Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Blind Ambition

Blind People. Can't live with 'em. But they can't see you anyhow.

This season, blind people are all the rage. It's the Official Disability of 2004. And I can see why - they've got a lot to overcome!

S.O.S. (Sans Ocular Strength)

Today's newspapers are chock full of blind items... and not the kinds that involve anal sex with Matt LeBlanc. A blind couple in Washington is breaking various idiot barriers by embarking on a worldwide sailing adventure. A blind sailing adventure!

Here's an idea: Their handlers, or whoever grooms and feeds these people, should put them in a boat, put that boat in a pool, invest in a wave machine and comically oversized fan, sit back, and have a time seeing every aspect of this sailing adventure LIVE! Where is the Fox channel when you most need them? C'Mon, like you wouldn't watch it.

But this season, blind ambition is not limited to the sea... blind people will be flying airplanes too! A blind Australian man plans on flying the width and breadth of Queensland to raise money for blind children. I guess "making phone calls" and relying on the goodness of people's hearts wasn't X-TREME enough for this blind pilot. What's next: A deaf man composing entire symphonies?!?

Here's a guy who should be blinded for being shockingly fucked up in the membrane.

Blind people are also on the shortlist of Minorities Who Run The Media.

On this season of America's Next Top Model, Miss Tyra Banks has really shed some light on the difficulties of being blind AND having an eating disorder. Amanda, a contestant who tearfully spilled the blind beans at the end of episode one to her fellow contestants (following an awkward face feeling moment: Contestant 1: What are you doing? AMANDA:(casually feeling her face): Oh, sorry, you have a little food on your cheek. Contestant 1: (scoffing) That's impossible. AMANDA:(has nervous blind breakdown).

The good news is, models thankfully have a good sense of humor. Check out this "makeover" that they bestowed upon blind Amanda.

I said "I'm a pretty BLIND girl, not BLONDE girl," morons!

Blind people aren't just hot models -- they can also make for some creative fashion designers. Check out these Grass Shoes seen in Milan. Smoking grass is said to releave the pains of Glaucoma and other sight-related maladies.

And what about this Braille Jewelery? Unsarcastically, I like it!

Ray of Light

Think this post is too long? Well it just. got. longer!

Coming to the big screen this fall is a movie chock full of so much Oscar buzz, I just got stung! Ray, the story about recently deceased blind man Ray Charles, stars Jamie Foxx as America's most loveable pianist. (Right after Elliot Gould, clearly.) I'm filled with antsy-sensation -- I'll be there opening night.

How about creating a twisted double-blind experiment of sorts, and asking this Blind Movie Critic (or BMC) what he thought of the movie? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 2 o'clock meeting at the Gates of the Underworld with the Lord of All Darkness.

Last blind item is more of a suggestion, really, to catch the Strangers with Candy episode Behind Blank Eyes, where Jerri learns what its like to be blind, replete with a monkey drowning a goose. Rather than asking for more details, just rent/buy the DVD. It's possibly the only thing in my collection I've viewed multiple times (along with Zoolander outtakes and a very special episode of Mr. Ed where he learns the meaning of friendship.)

And because you've made it through my analysis of how def blind people are, I give you this picture of some seeing-eye dogs.

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