Ass Monkey, That Funky Monkey

And now, readers, I will reprint one of my favorite sentences ever to be published, courtesty of Rush and Molloy, regarding the torrid love affait between Michael Jackson and his chimp, Bubbles:

Bubbles dropped out of sight several years ago, prompting rumors that Jackson's father, Joe Jackson, shot the chimp after he caught him in bed with his son.

Can you imagine what a hilarious, Perfect Strangers-like scene that would have been? Joe walks on on Michael and this ape, runs for his rifle, and just blows the monkey's brains out, all the while Michael, pants-less, pleading for this father to get a grip? Part of my wished I could've seen it first hand, and then another part of me wants to grap a nearby melon baller and just neatly carve out the part of my brain that read this article in the first place.

Jacko-and-chimp tale:It gets hairy [via Gawker]


Why so flush, Mikey?

Frankly, does this come as any surprise? Check out this stuffed version of Bubbles the Chimp -- you show me another Chimp dressed like the captain of the Love Boat, and I'll show you a bleached, hairless, barber-poled-wang android who likes to give it to him alllll night.



Taken from Michael Jackson's Pets, which also features one of Jackson's lesser known play things, Muscles the Snake.


Dear God, I don't even wanna know the kinds of pickles Michael got into with this thing.