Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Rash-Tacular Slang

See? Even Asians have lip hair!

A few months ago, I presented a list of slang words that I hoped would make it into the everyday English lexicon. One of those terms, "Hilarie Clinton" (as in, "the ageing sequences in Brokeback Mountain were Hilarie Clinton"), have succeeded in being used about 4 times a day... by me.

Today, I'd like to introduce a genius term, concocted by good friend and online Scrab-partner, Lindsay Reinhardt.

So last week I had an event to attend in the evening (Juvenile Diabetes Ball, or Diajew Neediesblah, or something about the poor, I forget), when I noticed under the bright, unforgiving fluorescence of the bathroom lights at work a couple of..... that I seemed to be growing... a... a lady-stache. Some unnattractive yet delicate whiskers adorning my upper lip.***

***These are things women rarely to never to discuss out loud, and definitely not with the opposite sex, along with that time you accidentally shit your pants in Jamaica, and the time you ran out of tampons and rubber-banded some Q-tips together with a scrunchie. One phenomenon that I had never heard spoken about, to anyone, by anyone, is finding your long head-hair stranded in the crack of your ass after a shower. In fact, I think I was drunk when I said this out loud once, and to my delight, all the girls I was with started laughing, knowingly. Clearly, an epidemic yet to be jotted down in some toilet-paper-cum-chick-lit novel that I would gladly write for the right price.

You know these two were pulling navy rope out of their asshole, but God forbid they tell each other about it.

Back to the asparagus broom growing out of my face. I tell Lindsay about my "lady problem", and debate whether or not I should get a quick waxing before the event.

Her response was brilliant: "Don't do it," she tells me, "or you'll get a rashtache."

It took nearly five minutes of silence while my brain tried to wrap around its genius.

"Rashtache." I repeated. Its brilliance overwhelmed me. Rashtache - the redness left on one's lip following a hair removal, that resembles a moustache made of rash.

Me, a week after I burn my lady-face-hairs off with hot coals.

Refusing to believe that any of my friends were smarter than me, I Googled it, only to find out... that Lindsay invented the word!

So congrats to her, and please, ladies, RASHTACHE. Say it out loud. It feels right. Use it. I better hear that shit thrown around on the next season of Laguna Beach, I swear to God.

p.s. I thought of a new character today, a woman who writes terrible parody songs, and her name is Weird Sally Yanklechotch. Working feverishly on her oeuvre as we shpiel.

(sung to Billy Jean) "Silly agent cast Danny Glover (beat) In the role that I was boorrn to play (beat beat) But I'm not black and I can't act."

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