Tuesday, February 14, 2006

What You Miss When You're At Work

“I been workin' here at the D.Q. for about, um... eight months? Seven? I don't know, somethin' like that, it's fun. Just do the cones... make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n... put stuff on 'em, 'n... see a lot of people come in, a lot of people come to the D.Q... burgers... ice cream... anything, you know? Cokes... just drive in and get a Coke, if you're thirsty.”

-Libby Mae Brown, Waiting for Guffman

**Awkward Segway Alert**

As some of you more glove-tightening, telephone-cord-strangeling stalkers out there may have noticed, I wasn’t up to the blogging challenge yesterday, finding it instead much more pleasant to stay at home with a cold while the shoebox known as my apartment was buried within 27 feet of snow.

I, of course, dug a tunnel to make sure the delivery guy could get through with Chinese food. (Or, a Greek salad, as the case may be.)

The best part about staying home sick, of course, is being able to watch daytime television. I felt it my duty to report back on some of the most retarded things I’ve ever seen on TV. Here’s a highlight reel:

An advertisement from everybody’s favorite perverted gym coach, Dr. Phil, telling Paula Abdul that she has everything. . . except a man. And you thought he was going to say “functioning medulla oblongata.”

Paula Abdul, aka the robot maid from “Small Wonder.”

Some what were you missing while you were healthily toiling away at your no doubt dead-end, pointless job? Well, on Regis and Kelly, following 20 minutes of soul-crushing banter, P. Diddy came out to discuss his new “Sean John” fragrance.

I’m guessing it smells like stale lyrics, acne, democracy, and baby oil.

Moving on to The Tyra Banks Show. You know, I never disliked Tyra as the host of America’s Next Top Model. Sure, she was two-faced, and sure, much of the time even my Lil’ Orphan Tyra Decoder Ring couldn’t figure out what the fuck she was saying, but even still, I was neutral on the subject.

Upcoming shows this week include Carnie Wilson and Janice Dickinson. It's like writing out your own death warrant, I swear.

But honestly, her talk show has thrown her into the endless pit of celebrities I am soooo tired of. Yesterday, on “Tyra” (or, as I prefer to call it, "Tyra-na-bore-us Rexic", or better yet, "Please, For The Sake Of Humanity, Re-Tire-a"), she had on each and every member of the last “cycle” of Top Model, each individually talking about the personal struggles that all tall, pretty, skinny girls have to overcome. One of them wasn’t super-rich as a child. One of them was “depressed”. One of them was a lesbian. One of them didn’t have a dad in her life. Honestly? Tyra? ENOUGH ALREADY. WE GET IT. WE ALL STRUGGLE. Eeeeeeeeverybody struggles! YOU MORE THAN ANYBODY. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE HORRIBLE LIFE YOU LEAD. Now seriously please get your self-righteous ass out of that plush seat and into a $10 billion dollar bikini like you were born to do, and just shut your goddamn, self-righteous pukehole already.

On Family Feud, the assistant from Home Improvement quizzed one woman on “A city that is famous for it’s music…” On the board, New York, New Orleans, and Detroit. Her answer? HARLEM. My answer? Someone seriously save a spot for me on Family Feud, because I think I might be able to win a million dollars against these Rain-Mans.

"Hundred people surveyed, top 5 answers on the board. Name a fruit that grows on a tree."
"Hundred people surveyed, yeah, a hundred people... hundred, hundred people surveyed. Top 5 answers on the board, yeah."
"People's... People's Court is on now... Hundred people, People's Court. Judge, Judge Wapner. Top 5 answers, yeah, Judge Wapner."

Stay tuned for my Olympic coverage!

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