Monday, May 22, 2006

End Of Slang Request: "Making Out"

You are not this classy, bitch. Nor this gilded. Move on dot org.

I'd like to make a proposal. I am really starting to get sick and tired of people using the phrase "made out." As in "Hey, how was your night last night? What happened with that guy?" and "Oh, it was fun, we made out."

Now, don't get too hasty here. I'm not suggesting that the term "made out" be obliterated altogether. After all, making out is a blast. Who doesn't like a little making out now and 24/7? Even the term "making out" is fine, when it connotes two people engaging in long-term kissing/heavy petting (side note: heavy petting is my all time least favorite term ever.) Because you are: Making out just fine for yourself, with no risk of catching an STD, a fetus, bird flu or SARS.

Gerald's first trip to the heavy petting zoo was life-changing. For the rest of his life, he would only be able to work up his arousal mechanism with the smell of bacon present. Family brunches were awkward, to say the least. As was his eventual marriage to a kosher woman.

But this latest trend in 20-something slang has skewered the word into a territory that, frankly, the gossipmonger in me will not stand for.

Lately, friends will throw down the "make out" card with wild abandon, even when more than just middle school "making out" is taking place. If you tell me you're making out with someone, I picture retainers getting caught, spit being swapped, and at the very worst, a couple of herpes germs getting passed here and there. "Making out" does NOT describe anal in a satin-lined heart-shaped bed with a Greek sailor in town for the weekend and his goat, Menelaus. (Brendaaaaa, I'm talking to you). "Making out" is not an all-base-emcompassing description. At least with the sometime juvenile sounding "Hooking up", you can't immediately rule out abortions. But don't play all prim and proper when you're as dirty a whore as we ALL are.

Unless you're banging this guy, and then please, save all details for your Hello Kitty trapper keeper diary.

I know what you're thinking: Why Michelle? Why do you care? Is it any of your business even at all? The answer is this: Of course it's my business. How am I to retain my status as a fantastic advice giver and girl with a vicariously happy and bustling social life without knowing the intimate details of my friend's love lives?

There's nothing more embarassing than this conversation, which I've had all too often. "How is {insert name of random dude}?" "He's great, he's great." "You guys still seeing each other?" "Yeah, we make out." "When was the last time you saw him?" "Oh, he's here right now. He moved in last Tuesday. I gotta go hose off the rubber sheets -- T T Y LLLLL."

"We've never been happier."

So please, for the sake of my social sanity, just fess up and dish already! Thank you.

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