Friday, July 07, 2006

World Cup Aftermath: Soccerplayers + Overtime = Sweaty Hotness

I gotta admit -- I wasn't too involved in the World Cup madness that's paralyzing the rest of the world. It's very hard for me to watch a sport with any interest unless it's a playoff or finale of some sort, where everything matters and it's all or nothing. So I didn't protest this Tuesday when friends wanted to watch the World Cup Semifinal between Italy and Germany at a local Irish bar in Portland, Maine called "Re Ra." I'll pause so you can repeat that name a couple times. Roll it around, get comfortable with it. Done? Great.

There we were at Re Ra's, with prime seating in front of the plasma screen. I was more jazzed about the possibility of meeting a lonely, homesick Irish fisherman looking to score -- soccerly speaking of course -- but would settle for a couple of dirty martini's (yes, still drinking them) and eating artichoke dip with my fingers (which I did with style and grace) (JK I looked like a monster).

The game was aaaaabsolutely amazing. I wasn't sure who I was rooting for. On the one hand, I love touring both countries, and even though I have a couple of tiny issues with Germany, the teams cancelled each other out, fascist-history wise. I kind of went into the game deciding to root for the underdog, but not knowing who was the underdog, ended up rooting for Germany...

...If only because I was in love with their coach, Jürgen Klinsmann, which translates loosely into Jeremy Irons. If you say shit about his resemblance to Michael Bolton, I'll find you, and then kill you.

One thing that became very obvious early on was that Italy's team was very very dramatic. Like a tiny German elbow to the face would cause nearly an hour of kneeling on the field, sobbing, waving your arms at God, then at the German team, cursing in Italian (seriously, we could see their lips utter "Fongul" a number of times), pounding the ground with their fists, then shaking them again at God. This happened roughly 384 times. It never got any less amusing. Especially when they brought out to the field Italy's best known soccer player, Roberto Benigni.

"I love you! I want to make love to you! Mia madre! I want to make love to all of you!! From a-behind" -- Roberto Benigni's last words in the Italian soccer locker room.

My celebrity analogies do not end there, people. One Italian player named Mauro Camoranesi was a preeeeetty big asshole. He would refuse to help a German up, nor would he accept help off the ground from an opposing player, and pretty much looked like he was gonna murder every single person in the stadium. He also wore his hair the same way I did every day in seventh grade: The half-pony tail/half-bun look.

Like so.

Then it hit me: He looks like someone. Someone I know. Personally or otherwise.

He's the spitting image of Uma Thurman.

Exhibit A.

I told my friends, and they enthusiastically agreed. This is how Mauro Camoranesi came to be known in my inner circle as "Bunuma." If you watch the game on Sunday, be sure to refer to him that way. Bunuma. It did occur to me later that Mauro Camoranesi actually looks a lot more like wildman guitar player G.E. Smith, but as there were no catchy nicknames, I decided to keep this tidbit to myself.

Exhibit B.

The best part of the game? No doubt watching the limber acrobatics of the athetic world's most flexible men.

Print these out, make a flip book, and by God I swear, you have yourself "The Slater Dance."

It's the first shimmy that literally has me laying on the floor, clutching my womb and crying.


If you're in New York Monday night, you must must must check out Nick Kroll and John Mulaney's show "Oh Hello" at the UCB Theater. Seriously, you haven't laughed in like years. You look ashen.

79th Street Television, WOLO TV, presents The Oh Hello Show, a monthly talk-show/sitcom hybrid broadcast live from the Upper West Side apartment of George St. Geegland (John Mulaney) and Gil Faizon (Nick Kroll): two divorcees in their mid fifities who have a new lease on life and a deep love of Alan Alda.

Special guests include a box of After Eight Thin Mints, Gil's son Joel and of course legendary New York rock/pop-jazz artist Boogie Weinstein. New drink recipes are always included! All this and not much else. Indoor show features rest rooms and air conditioning.

Starring: Nick Kroll & John Mulaney
Featuring: Dave Hill & Bobby Moynihan

The Oh Hello Show
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater
July 10 9:30 PM
Buy tickets here!

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