Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The Munchkin Policy

Get this.

So I go to Dunkin Donuts during lunch, as I do, to buy an XXL coffee for $2.00, and to "treat myself" to 2 Munchkin donuts, which I do about twice a week as a little reward for not having killed myself yet.

So I says to the girl, I says "Can I also get 2 glazed Munchkins?" As usual, she reaches for a bag, and then stops herself. "I'm sorry, we got a new Munchkin Policy."

"A new what?" my lower lip quivered.

"A new Munchkin. Policy."

A cartoon and scarily lifelike rendering of my face at this exact moment. Same glasses, hairstyle, etc. It's like my own personal ending Six Feet Under style, bad make-up and all, where I drop from a heart attack at a D&D in Saskatoon.

"What's the policy?" Would they not sell them to me because I was too tall? Too semitic? Too saddle-baggy?

"I can't sell you only two. I gotta sell you five."

"But that's the whole reason I get Munchkins, because I don't want 5, I just want a taste."

She rolls her eyes. "Well, it's 5 for $1, do you want them?"

"I dont understand -- how much did the Munchkins used to cost?"

"Twenty cents each." The people in line began to laugh, almost mockingly.

"Then why --"

"Because we lose money when we only sell 1 or 2! Now do you want them or not?"

My brain tried to add up the numbers and sense on an abacus made of Munchkins and Twizzlers. This was total horseshit! You know they send thousands upon thousands of Munchkins to donut heaven at the end of each night -- why must they torture me and my eating addiction so?

I so badly wanted to shout -- "Donut lie to me! I run a pun blog!" but instead, took 400 napkins and my coffee and walked out a changed woman. You would think these motherfuckers would stop their torture at shrimponds. But now, the Munchkin Policy will takeover as the thing that haunts me in my dreams every night.

Excuse me, I'm on the phone with my friend Rico, who's about to show Dunkin Donuts what old school dwarves like to enforce as their "Munchkin Policy". It may or may not include a Super Soaker.

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