Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Recipe for an Exploding Heart


1 X-Large Dunkin Donuts Coffee (sans shrimponds)

3 Sweet N' Lows

14 Midol Caplets, Caffeinated

1 Morgue-Like Office

1 Bag Baked Doritos, "Cheese" Flavored

1 Computer w/ Internet Connection (the slower the better)

1400 Documents, Stapled in Groups of 2

To Make:

Chill office cubicle to 38 degrees below zero.

Stir Sweet N' Low packets into coffee. Take small sip. Burn tongue, and let simmer for 15 minutes. Imbibe half of the coffee while still boiling, then ingest 14 Midol caplets, making sure to nearly choke on at least 3 of them. Massage your lower abdomen for 5 minutes following, and alert your co-workers to your "horrible cramps."

Once finished massaging your abdomen, begin checking your e-mail every 2.3 seconds. It is essential that your e-mail be refreshed often and repeatedly.

Now, search around morgue-like cubicle for any shreds of fabric left lying around. Wrap yourself in said fabrics to bring your blood temperature to over 90 degrees. Follow this by chugging rest of lukewarm coffee.

Pick up 1400 documents -- these will need to be Xeroxed right away to assure maximum employee output. Note that the documents are stapled in groups of 2. A staple remover is an optional accessory, as they are incredibly rare and difficult to locate in an office setting. One may prefer to remove stapled with fingernails or teeth. While making the copies, wonder what fabric your extremely tight and unflattering pants are made out of.

Polyester, blend.

While the copies are being made, you may want to warm up your now numb hands in between the piping hot pages. You may also choose to huddle in a corner, rocking back and forth and weeping quietly.

Once the copies are finished, hand them to your superior -- and make sure to smile! When aiming for the perfect exploding heart, it is important to keep your attitude in check. When your superior asks if you've stapled the fascimiles in groups of two, shake your head, apologize, and return to the morgue.

Eat Doritos. Check e-mail. Repeat over and over again in succession.

Let 2 hours pass.

If you're still reading this, you may have made an error. Start at the beginning, and make sure to follow every instruction precisely.

Serves 1.

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