Friday, August 13, 2004

Subway Sandwiches: Last Stop, Barftown

Just this afternoon, I discovered a whole new one-two punch in the world of eating until you vom: 6-inch Turkey Subway Sandwich, followed by a bag of Sour Skittles. Let's put it this way: When Skittles whispers "Taste the Rainbow", THEY AIN'T LYING.

This feeling of sickness somehow led me to peruse Subway's Website. After dozens upon dozens of seconds, I've come to a few conclusions:

1. Subway Takes Themselves WAY Too Seriously

Example: To promote their new ground-breaking chicken sandy (chicken between bread with cheese), they use the slogan Mediterranean Chicken Experience. In the past, I have only heard/used this term in reference to getting railed by a Greek sailor. (Myknos, call me!) If they are referring to the "experience" of smelling their bread from a 10 block radius, then standing in a long line of 9-5ing zombies until the Middle-Easterner clad in rubber gloves looks you up and down, licks his lips, and asks you if you want "Pickles", then yes, I have "experienced" your sandwich.

2. Jared Needs to Gain All the Weight Back and Die

I cannot tell you how sick of this douche I am. Here's another example of me meeting an idol of mine, and getting it slapped right back in my face. I happened upon "Jared" at the American Idol auditions in New York (don't ask). The man is still pretty pudgy, greezy, and so pocked he makes Edward James Olmos' whiffled noggen look like Liv Tyler in Lord of the Rings. Moreover, he completely ignored me.

And now their promoting this healthy bullshit to kids? Their latest campaign has Jared shilling to children about the risks of becoming a grown-up Jared. QUOTE:
Also, watch for Jared, Cody, Isaac and Madison in SUBWAY® restaurants’ newest commercials, which are designed to draw attention to the issue of childhood obesity.

NEWSFLASH: My entire childhood I subsisted on Subway sandies and TCBY (The Country's Best Yogurt... or is it Tender Cry from Baby Yapper?). Point Being: look at me now. LOOK AT ME NOW.

ps. Good luck to those kids. Nothing like being used as an example in a commercial about childhood obesity. The good news is that extra layer of padding will probably serve as a good bone-buffer to all the schoolyard punches that have their name on it.

3. Cheap Merchandise

One. Two. Three.

And the ironically titled book about Subway's Founder: Finish Big.

When all is said and done, I'll still be in line, hypnotized by the aroma of freshly baked bread, and shelling out only $4.33 for a turkey sandy. Maybe it's the Sour Skittles that did it. Huh.

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