Friday, October 22, 2004

Goo-hoo-hood Morning Everyone!

Thanks for bearing with my lack of blogging through this difficult week. Between my rowdy New Orleans trip, work and Votergasm related duties, (not to mention my nightly BoSox injections...) I've had to resort to taking in my sugar highs the old-fashioned way:

If ya'll happened to miss my appearance on The Al Franken Show yesterday, check it out here. You can thank that buttery smooth voice of mine to a reader's suggestion of drinking "Throat Coat" tea. Apprently it not only coats the throat, it also bloats the face. Or was that the 14 pounds of Saag Paneer I had before bedtime yesterday? C'est la vie.

But enough throat gloating! How. are. you?

We have a lot of stuff to catch up on...

- An "ancient" fungus has been discovered in a lab in India. If these scientists really wanna break new fungal ground, I'll Fed Ex my 2 year old Nike Rift's (worn at all times sockless) to their little Indian Stink Tank.

- Culinary De-fright: Guinea Pig on a Stick.

A young girl prepares to eat her pet, Squirmy.

- Sarcastic Quotes Alert: A "man" trying to "shoot" a "mouse", """accidentally""" shoots his "girlfriend." To confuse matters further, here's his girlfriend:

- CAN YOU JEER ME NOW? Charges have been dropped against a woman sued for speaking too loudly on her cell phone. Now here's where I empathize. I have a phone made of rubber bands and a battery I bought from a retarded Chinese person on the subway. You can often hear me screaming in aisle 7 of my local D'Agastino's (i.e. Faggy Chinos): "What?!?! No! Not ladder injection! BLADDER INFECTION! I HAVE. a. BLADDER INFECTION!" Now if that's a crime, lock me up and throw away the cranber-key. (Lord, I'm tired.)

- Check out this story of a man I'm officially deeming "My Idol": He received some junk mail with a "bogus" check for $95,000, deposited it in his bank account, and got away with it! At least, he almost did.

- A Hong Kongian man charged with drug possession showed up in COURT with a t-shirt that said COCAINE on it. What a genius idea. I've got CafePress working round the clock on a Scott Peterson t-shirt with the slogan "Wife Killer" splayed across it. I woulda said O.J., but that's so "Crime of LAST Century."

- Martha Stewart learns the ins and outs of microwave cooking, as well as prison vagina.

Martha Stewart and Some Random Pussy

- Headline of the Spay: "Fat Men - Poor Sperm." Other possible lead-ins.. "Brother, Can You Sperm a Dime?", and "The Obese: Can't Make Babies With Em, Can't Make Idiotic Fat Jokes Without Em'".

- Knife and Pork: Those wacky Muslims are at it again! Using machetes to slaughter pigs this time.

Piggie Smalls: But ees so cuuute! And (swallow)... delicious looking.

- Finally, the most hilarious gigantic fish picture I've ever laid eyes on. Anyone up for "Weekend at Bernie's III: Fish Outta Luck"?

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