A Picture is Worth a Thousand Turds

You Can't Make It Up is primarily concerned with my semi-literate rantings about life, the world, idiots, animals and fatties. But I thought it would be a nice change to take a second to focus on the visuals.

I was combing through my extensive digital photo collection, and came across some pics too good not to post. Just sit back, relax and enjoy these images... ofcoursewithaddedcommentarybyme.



Here is what I came across last week during a delightful stroll through "Democracy Plaza." I am not sure what tragedy caused the pile up. It seems like the mannequins just gave up and quit.



Here is an extreme close up.

Speaking of mannequins, check out these glasses for sale on Ebay from the "80's Hit Movie MANNIGAN." Something tells me Meshach Taylor played a prominent role in that one too.





Here is a small food sculpture I made out of desperation one day at work. The pieces are made from rice crackers and for the pupils I used magic marker. Note the expression on my new best friend's face. I am very satisfied with my job.




This dog is a friend of the family. His name is Ziggy. When he walks around New York, people actually stop and say "Look what an ugly dog that is." Pobracita. Stay tuned for Ziggy on the new season of "America's Next Top Model."




This is a fake Scrabble game my mother and I played one night in Miami after smoking half a bucket of crack. The crack is always better at home, isn't it? (Click on pic to enlarge.)

Fake Scrabble is simple: You cannot use any real words, English or otherwise. Some notable plays include LOIXERS, GROIB, FLART, GICKLE and WEAMY. My mother's particular favorite was FONF (add umlaut over the "O".)




Evil geniuses and my creators, on the rooftop of the Met.





Here is a picture of me while I was filming "Cold Mountain" in Romania. Jude kept screwing up his lines, and if you squint, you can see how angry I'm getting. He made up for it later... in the form of a hot oat meal.


This next picture needs a little background. I travelled to London in February with my dear friend Lang to visit some people and see the sights. So I devised a plan in case we ever got separated, or couldn't find each other, or if some emergency happened, etc... Since we were without our cell phones, the only thing to do was have a meeting place. So I told the girls "If anything ever goes wrong and you can't find the other, meet in front of the National Gallery." Our friend Carolyn who we were staying with lived a little far out of the city (the word "Zone" was involved), so I figured the National Gallery was a nice and central emergency locale.

Well, apparently I repeated myself one too many times for my very independent, risk taking friends, and as usual, they mocked me. So "Meeting in front of the National Gallery" became a sort of catch phrase for the trip (along with "Some more meat pie, please." and "No, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get raped."... awkward smile emoticon.)

So now that you're on the inside of our little joke, here is a picture of me waiting expectantly for my lost friend. This picture is clearly staged. Nevertheless, you casting agents out there: Note the sadness on my hangdog face.




"Where are they?"

I have very nice friends. Here is me looking cold and alone from afar:



"I hope they didn't forget about our plan!"


Finally, a lovely shot taken by my friend Tina from the very same roof my parents stood on at the Metropolitan Museum. Your computer wallpaper can thank me later.



This post was exhausting. No more extreme photo posts for at least a year.