Thursday, November 04, 2004

Yasser, That's My Baby!

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Does This Dishtowel Make Me Look Arafat?

Well, it's official: The world's most lovable terrorist is in a coma, and very possibly already dead. I mean look at him: he's adorable! And looks scarily similar to mine own Grandfather (a Jew, no less!)

It seems like Arafat is only seconds away from greeting that big burial P.L.O.t in the sky (although ealier, eager reports had already proclaimed him dead). One daring columnist went so far as to put the ASS in Yasser, suggesting that he is dying from AIDS. Well of course he has AIDS. Who do you think has been propping him up these past coupla' weeks, Weekend at Yasser-style? (Thanks to Wonkette, the Post, and Trey Parker and Matt Stone for making these last jokes possible.)

In other news...

- Blind Date Rape: A woman watches Blind Date, only to see the man that raped her participating in its wacky, subtitled antics. Just when you thought the show couldn't get any less funny.

- I swear to God: After this election, Ken Jennings is all I got. Ken, do not lose, I beg of you. I've got 500 t-shirts bearing your likeness, and a few pennies to my name. Don't put me out of business, Ken. I... I love you, Ken Jennings.

- Ghana to the Crazy House: Ghanaians travel in droves to see this miracle Jesus image appearing on the marble wall of a church. In a related story, Nebraskans cause a near riot at a local Wal-Mart when the image of beloved sitcom star Brett Butler appears in the crotch of a stockboys underwear.

- I Boo: A boy finds an engagement ring in his Halloween loot. Well, that's what you get for trick-or-treating at NAMBLA Headquarters, dick.

- Another Point in the NAMBLA Column: Britains won't outlaw spanking.

- I'm having my license changed so that instead of "Organ Donor" it reads "Reality TV Star." Fuck science, I say.

- Don't Fuck With the Germans: A disgruntled German man shoots a patron at a local S&M Club for keeping him up at nights.

- And Finally: Juice boxes full of liquid heroine. Just typing that gives me Capri Sun flashbacks.

So much cursing today!! Siiiiiiigh need to relax.

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