Sunday, January 16, 2005

Golden Globes Roundup

I'm taking a long-awaited "vacation" this week, flying into my hometown of Miami, Florida for 9 days of pure, unadulterated boredom and solitude.

My week got off to a rip-roaring start at the baggage carousel, where I ended up being the last person waiting for a bag that wasn't actually in Miami. In fact, while I had no problem making my connecting flight (with enough time left to buy a "Great American Bagle", aka "The ROUND Wonderbread!"), my luggage -- a giant, red duffle with wheels -- was too busy gallavanting with the other bags to bother making it three gates down. So there I was, filling out paperwork at 1:30 a.m. for a bag full of "everything I own", aka black turtlenecks, jeans, and about 400 pairs of $1.49 Xmas underwear, which, tree or no tree, is too much of a bargain for a Jew like me to pass up. If it makes you feel better, I own about 20 yarmulke bras.

I must admit, it was kind of freeing, thinking about a luggage full of my clothing out partying it up in Charlotte without me. Free! Unchaperoned! Doing shots and dry-humping other orphaned bags without a care in the world! My bag and I have since been reacquainted, although it still refuses to look me in the eyes.

How is it that I haven't brough up the GOLDEN GLOBES yet!? A night where the "Hollywood Foreign Press" (put in quotes because my theory is it's a bunch of Middle Eastern guys looking to schmooze with the stahs) liquors up celebs and then hands them marble chairs legs and embarassing speeches.

I watched the entire show with my mother by my side. Here are some highlights of the night:

- While I love Natalie Portman (love perhaps being too strong a word), why did she/her stylists decide on such a shapeless, oversized dress? The poor girl is so skinny she spent the rest of the evening wrapped up in a man's sportscoat, even later on in the night at the afterparties. Alas, she is still gorgeous. I say next year we get this girl in a flannel, long-sleeved corset.

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An Open Photo Caption to Emmy Rossum: Slip dress or no, You Will Never Be Portman.

- My mother and I got into our first fight of the evening over Angelica Huston. The debate was "Who Is Fatter?", my mother or Angelica. Winner: Mother.

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A drunk Angelica Huston with husband Horatio Sanz.

- Later on, we got into another fight over the lead actor in "American Family". My mom said it was "Whiffleface" Olmos, and I (stupidly) disagreed. One Google search later, and I was out $5. I don't know... I always thought he was bigger and... more... whiffled.

- At one point, the camera cut to Dustin Hoffman whispering into Warren Beatty's ear. My mother says "I bet he's telling him 'You're going to shtup a winner tonight'", referring to Annette Benning's undeserved accolade. One more check in the "Now I Understand Why I'm a Maniac" column.

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- Misheard in the E! Post-Show: The host asks Mick Jagger and Ringo Starr's partially-aborted twin "So, will you two party tonight?" I misheard it as "So, were you too farty tonight?" Yesses on both, clearly.

- Can someone puh-leeeze give Ray's Regina King an award? Surely Cecil B. DeMille watched 227.

- Overall, very pleased with all of the winners (esp. Leo!), and loved all of the looks tonight. Most notable looks were Charlize Theron, Javier Bardem, Mariska Hargiaty's husband (who IS that man?) and Teri Hatcher's hand-braided Donna Karen gown, which I lurved. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go suffocate myself with my dog-eared copy of Bridget Jones' Diary.

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p.s. Due to parents' dial-up connection, I'm gonna have to take it easy on embedded links this week. OK, fine, one more.

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