Thursday, April 07, 2005


Goooooood Moooorniiiiinggggg!!!

First off, my apple-ologies for not writing sooner, but there were a couple of things holding me back. First being my sinuses made my eyeballs feel like popping out of my head. Second, my hearing made everything VERY LOUD, so I chose instead to keep my head down most of the day, and finally, that when I was so moved as to at least give a link or two just to keep you coming back for more, Blogger decided to completely shit out on me. And so you have my reasons.

But not today! Today I'm feeling a hair less ill, am still deaf somehow, but I've got spirit to spare!! Thanks in large part to this video (courtesy of Chelsea) that I watch about 7 times a day (no lie) and LOVE. This video is redefining special effects on a small financial budget, thanks their other budget, the budget of love, which clearly this man is overflowing with. Please watch it.

Nice knee-kerchief, asshole. Way to respect the dead, Punky.

Next up, THE WIZARD OF CLAWS. This website was given to me with the following explanation: Apparantly this company, in an effort to breed the tiniest pups around (note that one is barely bigger than a $20 bill), removes the puppies from their mothers belly before they're completely baked, so that they remain miniature! What better way to quit drinking coffee than to put a little puppy in your mug, I ask? No better way.

And speaking of puppies, Showdog Moms and Dads (or Dads and Dads, depending) on Bravo, anyone? Have you ever seen a German Shephard get raped? What about an artificial dog vagina? If the answer to these questions are both no, the this show is a yes, yes, yes!

And speaking of babies, have I mentioned that my doctor convinced me I was pregnant on Monday for a whole 25 minutes? Even though the odds were not in my favor, suggestion can be a very powerful thing... no WONDER I have no appetite and feel nauseous... someone's oven is stuffed with a bun, girl! My doctor, it should be noted, is a non-board certified chimney sweep, but nevertheless, he has a sixth sense in his bones about illness. I'll never forget the time, this past Monday, when he made me lay down and pressed against my lower abdomen asking me it "it hurt"... Well, yeah... KINDA! Stop pressing down on my baby, doc!

Following my 25 minute fantasy of quitting my job and travelling cross-country with my baby in tow, the nurse stuck her head out of a door about 48 feet away from me to yell "You can go, honey! It's negative!" Well, obviously.

But then, this morning, I see this on MSN:

So perhaps the rumors are true? Man, if I were pregnant with Heath Ledger's baby, I'd be all (sung obnoxiously) "Meeeeeaaaaal Tickeeeeeet!" But don't worry gentlemen, this runway of mine is still cleared for takeoff, although you'll note how poor my metaphors are post-illness.

Finally, do you think Nokia realized that putting this woman's image on the back of their camera/video phone would make her look like a tongue-pierced pirate? Or perhaps Whitney Houston after a trademarked Bobby-Brown-Brow-Beating?

So, readers, more to come! But thanks for all of your support in the meantime.

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