Thursday, August 18, 2005

A Day In The Life Of Undercover Hilton

Page Six had an item that caught my eye on the train this morning. It reads:
Paris Hilton is now so famous that she can't go out in public without being mobbed by fans, so she's taken to wearing a disguise. Sources say the hotel heir-head had a professional makeup artist spend three hours the other day transforming her with a prosthetic nose and a red wig, until she was completely unrecognizable. Then she took her two brothers to Disneyland.

So convincing, and yet still, so erotic.

Well what else is an overexposed talentless nobody to do?

Interested, I decided to delve further... and what I found will shock and almost definitely please. In an effort to stay “under the radar” and avoid being mobbed by hordes of torch-carrying rebellioners, these days Ms. Hilton will not leave the house until she is completely and cleverly disguised. Now, here, we here at You Can’t Make It Up (read: me) have landed our hands on some top quality paparazzi shots of Paris masquerading about LA on errands and such in some very clever get-ups. Let's douse our feet in baby's blood and take a walk in Paris' shoes, shall we?

Paris begins her day with a leisurely stroll through the market. Did someone say Kashi? Looks like her L.L. Bean quilted car coat just did.

Ms. Hilton returns home to unwind with her true love… the mighty bass. Listen as the sweet orka tones wail and cry while the heiress grieves through song. What had she done to deserve this life? Yo Yo Ma’s sex tape, “Bendover’s Cunt-certo Number Sex”, didn’t ruin his career! “Why must the public be so hard on me?” she whispers in the confines of her bag.

Later, Paris straps on a fatty suit and meets up with her two cousins for a quick splash at the YMCA pool. The chlorine there was famous for killing unwanted children. At least that’s what Raven Simone told her.

Next, it’s off to Rodeo Drive for some undercover spending! Little known secret: Fred Siegel loves blackface. On her way home, she’ll have her teeth knocked out by a group of Compton kids.

Every once in a while, Paris has to go au naturale to let her skin take a rest. She looks as pretty as the day she was born, no?

Finally, Paris dons a custom-fitted Dolce & Gabbana Vagina Costume for some truffle mojitos at the Roosevelt Hotel. The night ends up being an utter clitastrophe when an eager Gilbert Gottfried body slams Paris into the pool. The super-absorbent labia nearly cost her her life, but thankfully she made it out alive, and remained anonymous. The vagina costume, on the other hand, was ruined for good. Looks like she'll have to borrow Meredith Viera's next time.

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