Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Real Holiday Conspiracy

The country has been in a mini-panic lately over what to call that green spruce tree used to celebrate a certain holiday in December. What used to be called a "Christmas Tree" (or, affectionately, "Christy"), now, according to the U.S. Government, must be referred to as a "Holiday Tree."

Now I've heard many different terms used for trees over the years to celebrate the holidays ("Hanukkah Bush", "President's Day Timber", and the "Kwanzaa Trellis"). But "Holiday Tree"? More like "Ridiculous Arboreal Statue."

I thought the whole debate was behind me, until recently when my roomates (Christians, religiously, as well as both of their names) decided to put up a miniature Christmas Tree in our kitchen. Even though I'm a Jew, and even though I wear a Menorah hat in the wintertime to keep warm, I had absolutely no objections to the Christmas tree... after all, I love Christmas! At least... I think I do. It's possible I just love that catchy Macy's commercial ("Hey Mr. Jingle, La la la la la la, la la la la la la all your troubles away!"). Anyway, I've never gotten a "Yom Kippur" bonus in my life (save for the bonus of atoning my sins and losing 4 pounds), so financially speaking, Christmas is awes.

The beard also helps with insulation.

Anyway, the miniature tree was decorated, placed on our kitchen table, and admired...

Then... A miracle of miracles.

That night, when I went to close the lights, I noticed the absolute strangest thing. The lights.... were they... no, it couldn't be. And yet, there it was.

The lights were little stars of David.

See for yourself.

Lights on:

Lights off:

Lights on:

Lights off:

Clearly, us Jews were up to something. A little something called "winning the debate." For you see, readers, you may think you have a Christmas tree in your living room, or in your front yard, or knitted into a tasteful red and green holiday sweater. But when the lights go off, and when no one is looking, much like the Looney Toons character and WB Icon Michigan J. Frog, your tree is a huge, huge Jew-tree.

I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you.

But don't blame me. Blame this family.

The Rosensteins. They're behind this entire plot to Jew up Xmas.

I mean, would these faces lie?

The answer: clearly.

Happy Holidays to All Creeds!!

Except this one.

(For more Jewish conspiracies, check out Josh Neuman's book "The Big Book of Jewish Conspiracies", as well as

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