Monday, June 05, 2006

Deal or No Deal Starring Celine Dion

Last night, NBC outdid themselves in the "Make Michelle Pleased" department. I happened to be home, working on some other stuff (flossing), and switched the channel over to Deal or No Deal (the hit NBC game show hosted by Howie Mandel) for some innocuous background noise. Well, the Gods must be crazy, because last night, of ALL nights, Deal or No Deal was above and beyond a-may-may.

The contestant, Sherri, self-described as Celine Dion's biggest fan, was playing for $5 million (as opposed to the standard mill). Then, on top of all the season-finale-soulpatch-clad excitement, CELINE DION HERSELF surprised the contestant (live via satellite), and then stuck around with the fam (live via satellite) to give advice (live via satellite), and in general just make hilarious faces. I pieced together a recap of the show, but please keep in mind while reading: (You are now entering the sarcasm-free zone) I am a serious-town huge-time Celine Dion fan. Like, love her to death. Think she's a geen. And was super-jazzed to see and hear her for the hour and a half special (End of zone.) Enjoy.

Please welcome to the stage, a television screen with a live satellite feed of Celine Dion!

Hellew! Hellew every-rrrone! I am sew happy to be here!

Let's get the game moving along: Sherri, deal or no deal.

This is really the kind of question I need to leave up to family.... Celine, what's your take?

Ehm, it is hard for me to dee-cide, because I... How do you say eet... I have...

I have more money zan God!!!

So let me think about eet.... You are a school teacher... it is a deal for $170,000, nothing to sneeze at... and there is that whole 'I have more money zan God' thing...


"Patrice, open up the suitcase..."

It's only a dollar! Thank you Celine!!! THANK YOU!!

YAY FOR CELINE!! She truly can change lives! She is a miracle maker!

I told you, my chil-dran! I am all knowing! And did I mention?

I have more money zan God!!! So yew know ma advice is sound!

OK, so zat is the game, yes? It's been a pleh-zhour! Sank you so much for having me today. My papa used to call me zee magical harnless unicorn who makes drams come true. Sank you again!

What? Zee show is an hour and a half?


Somebody! Let me out of this horrible plazma shamber! I feel trapped! No deal!! Please (sobbing) no deaaaal!! Let me out!

(throat clearing) Sherri... the time has come again... Deal, or no Deal?

In unison: Please Sherri! Ask us!! We're your family!! We want to help you! She's from QUEBEC. She's married to a corpse!!! SHERRI!!!

This is a tough one.

Celeeeeeenay!! Over here!! It's your biggest fan, Sherri! Whaddya think? Maybe I should start a college fund for my children? Buy a new house? Or is it gonna be dog food and garbage bag shoes for me and my fam til we die? I'm so glad Celine Dion is here to make these decisions for me.

Thees ees hard... so much pressure. Sometimes it helps me to sing to think. "But when you touch me like this... and when you hold me like that... hmm hmm hmm... mmm... Cause I'm your laaaadyyyyy... and youu... hmm hmmm hmmmm"

No. Facking. Deal.

But don't forget! I am richer than most nations!! LOL!

Very savvy! Very savvy indeed. Let's see how that decision plays out for you...

...Open up the suitcase.... check insiiiiiide.... Aaaaand you'velosteverything.

My future!


I'm... I'm... ruined.

Celine... I... I trusted you. I trusted your eyes, your voice, your wild gesturing... and now I'm left with nothing.

Weeeeeell, you know, it's only a gahm! No big deal, rrright? Rene and I like to play gahms too! It's all the fun times. You can always get your own show in Vegas!

Every day, I wake up on a mattress made out of live Taiwanese boys, my head resting on pillows made out of diamonds and Liza Minelli dander, and I think: Good thing I have that show in Vegas! You know, if you work for the next 15 years, you could try to get some tickets, you would love it!

Howie: It's off to grief counseling for these folks. Thanks again for helping out tonight, 25-foot-tall satellite feed of Celine Dion. Nobody does it better.

Do not sank me! It was my plezh.

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