More Like Page Sex! Swish!

The closest thing I could find to a picture of Orlando Bloom and Claire Danes: A picture of Orlando Bloom and James Blunt.

Page Six has a real scoop in today's column: Angela Chase (i.e. Claire Danes) being bumped and ground by Legolas! (Orlando Bloom!) To wit:

DANCING DRACULA

ORLANDO Bloom snacked on Claire Danes' lovely neck during a dirty dancing session on Saturday night. The hookup happened on the dance floor at the Raisa Gorbachev Foundation party at the Althorp (Earl Spencer's) estate in Northamptonshire, England. We're told the "Lord of the Rings" hunk made his move after boogeying over to Danes during a performance by the Black Eyed Peas. "He was kissing her neck and grinding against her," reports our snitch. "He didn't seem to care who saw it." Guests included Mikhail Gorbachev, Denise Rich, Salman Rushdie and Nicky Hilton.

Now, as if that weren't scintillating enough, those last two names really threw me for a loop... Salman Rushdie and Nicky Hilton, seen together? At the same party? Doesn't this defy some sort of law of intellectual physics or something?

Then I got to thinking: What if the item was about them? What if...

WHY THE RUSHDIE?

SALMAN Rushdie snacked on Nicky Hilton's lovely neck during a dirty dancing session on Saturday night. The hookup happened on the dance floor at the Raisa Gorbachev Foundation party at the Althorp (Earl Spencer's) estate in Northamptonshire, England. We're told the "Satanic Verses" hunk made his move after boogeying over to Hilton during a performance by the Black Eyed Peas. "He was kissing her neck and grinding against her," reports our snitch. "He didn't seem to care who saw it." Guests included Mikhail Gorbachev, Denise Rich, Nick Lachey and Estelle Getty.

It's like a Mobius Strip of nooniness, really.

Also spotted bumping and grinding, but not reported in the item...


Quentin Tarantino and Lil' Uncle Sam.