Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Duke Lacrosse Player Dating Game

Earlier today, the North Carolina prosecution dropped all charges against three Duke University Lacrosse Players accused of raping a stripper last spring during a party. (No word if the Evite title was "Rape & Grain!"... anyway.)

Now that the charges have been dropped, the above three fellas are probably the only guys at Duke University to never have raped anyone -- making all three fantastic catches! Plus, since the stigma of rape was only lifted a handful of hours ago, we're guessing these hotties are single and looking... making them prime candidates in a little game we like to play every now and again called The Duke Lacrosse Player Dating Game! Let's take a look at our contestants:

Bachelor #1
: Reade Seligmann is a history major with a penchant for catchphrases, such as his famous "Reade my lips!", and his intriguing Myspace headline: "Raul owns this bitch! ***Inland_Empire***". (Seriously.)

Bachelor #2: David Evans, from Bethesda, Md., was the captain of the Lacrosse team, meaning he's a take charge kinda guy who doesn't take lip from anybody. He enjoys action movies and Mallomars.

Bachelor #3: Collin Finnerty of Garden City, N.Y. would like you to know he is not related to the older brother on Pete & Pete.

Let's get the game started!

Bachelorette: If you guys had could be any ice cream in the world, what flavor would you be?
#1: Beer.
#2: Tits.
#3: Isolation and fear for my future.

Bachelorette: Ok... Bachelor #1, which Disney character would you say best describes you?
#1: Beer.

Bachelorette: #3, same question.
#3: Is there a character named Aimless Rage Johnson? That would be me.

Bachelorette: Bachelor #2, what's your idea of the perfect date?
#2: Ummm..... (pause) probably keggerrr -- no, no, sorry -- tits. Definitely tits.

Bachelorette: OK, final question, to all of you: If I were stranded on a desert island, how would you save me?
#1: I'd make a raft out of dildos and boob implants. Then I'd float you and your coconuts to safety.
#2: (Snort) Uh, I'd probably discover a way to turn saltwater into beer, then funnel the ocean directly into my mouth, and have you run into my arms.
#3: I wouldn't save you, you backstabbing hooker. You'd probably accuse me of trying to drown you. Did you try to save me when I was being falsely accused of rape? Did you? No, no you didn't. You just sat at home applying for some dating reality show that no one will remember 10 years from now. But do you know who'll remember me in 10 years? Goldman Sachs, that's who. And J.P. Morgan. Merrill Lynch will remember. I'm... I'm ruined. My life... is ruined.

Winner: #2. We've got a great rack.

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