Monday, August 16, 2004

Michelle's Olympic Round-Up

Above, an Italian gets down with his new lady friend.

Kalimera! Or, as they say in "America", Good Morning! I've got a horrible case of Olympic Consumption (a tad more serious than "Olympic Fever" -- also a nod to the Athenian Olympics from yesteryear, when a "fever" was never just a "fever"... you either had "Bronze John", "Yellowjacket", or "Dropsy of the Brain").

I spent the entire weekend literally glued to my TV (I was fixing a cracked terracotta planter, and went for the volume button... never mind), leaving me with no choice but to watch the 2004 Olympics for 55 consecutive hours. What a spectacular spectacle! Of course, in true bored-idiot-fashion, here are my opinions.

1. Phelps is On the Way

Let's begin with water sports. Namely, Michael Phelpssch. I know this guy is a genius under the water, has a perfect swimmers body, huge flipper feet, etc. But my hyper-judgmental side cannot help but squirm every time this guy is on camera. The guy is mothafuckin cocky as all getout. Really, he's like giant cartoon rooster Foghorn Leghorn, minus the looks and charisma.

Secondly, how can a man with a perfect body, abs of steel, etc., be so unappealing?

Australian hunk Ian Thorpedo, even with that tre'-femenino reo-tard he wears, has charisma and sex appeal. Phelps on the other hand, when interviewed, contorts his mouth in such a way that I gotta pull a giant plastic tarp over my head, Gallagher-style, to block any stray spittles. Notice in his 300 commercials, rarely is he required to spray any S's (i.e. spots for AT&T and not Thprint.) Guarantee you this guy gets crusty white mouth corners in the morning, and who wants to wake up to that? On the other hand, clearly I would.

My friend Sarah has come up with an interesting theory: The reason he looks good in the water is because he tucks his ears into his bathing cap. More on this breaking story as it develops.

Did you see him on the podium? He has got to be the worst fake National Anthem singer I've ever seen. His lips remained still, while his cold, clammy tongue moved up and down in his mouth, animatronic style. I was so parched after watching him, I polished off three Leadership Vitamin Waters. That's nearly 8 dollars! Sure, I started my own company soon after, but still.

I tell you who I like -- that Vendt guy. Silver medalist, bounding over lane markers to winner Phelps in a show of true emotion, he just has a way about him. He's got a lovely speaking voice, a nice gentle manner to him, and is painfully good looking (like I actually feel a void in my personal life when watching him. My gut hurts. Is that weird? I should buy a cat, huh? Well, thanks, asshole, but I don't remember asking you.)

2. Gymnastics

Pretty boring on the whole. America was fucking it up as usual. And really, those male Gymanstics Twins? Isn't there an Antiques Roadshow taping they're missing right now?

I will say, and I just can't help myself, what is up with those little Chinese girls? I mean, all of the gymnasts are clearly small and malnourished, but these Chinese girls -- they looked like sea monkeys! Even the announcers couldn't help themselves, explaining that one little girl who looked NINE was actually 16. At least, that's what her communist bastard handlers would have you believe.

3. Table Tennis

Women's = boring. Men's = slightly less boring. I watched it for 4 straight hours.

4. Actual Olympic Events That Would Make for Interesting Gay Pornography

Lightweight Coxless Heat, Team Jumping Final, Equestrian Team Dressage, Men's Doubles: First Round, Horse Inspection 2, Men's Fly Semis, Backstroke - Heat 1, Men's Rifle 3 Positions Qualification, Men's Team Sabre Finals, Handball Ceremony, Pommel Horse Semis, Anal Windsurfing, Mens Double Trap Qualification, and the Bareback Bottoms Finals.

5. Sometimes Judo, Sometimes Jew Don't

Didja hear the one about the Iranian Judo champ who refused to fight against the Israeli? What's wrong, guy? Afraid to get your ass kicked by a guy who's good with money, a little nebbishy and runs the American Media? That's what I thought.

So there you have it. I'm a little heartbroken that NBC has decided to air the Synchronized Diving Finals during the day, and Badminton and Weightlifting at night. But I'll get back to you with more of the Athens action tomorrow.

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