Rush Hush-onah

Rather than rehashing the solely metaphoric back-and-forth between Votergasm.org and Rush Limbaugh yesterday, I'll just post any updates and you can read it over yourself.

RUSH LIMBAUGH ATTACKS VOTERGASM.ORG

VOTERGASM.ORG SHOULD THANK ME

RUSH LIMBAUGH FLIP-FLOPS ON VOTERGASM.ORG

I gotta give it to the guy. Listening to his convo with "Denise from Cleveland" had me rolling on the floor, not an easy feat since my floor is jam-packed with used condoms. Really, though, as a performance artist, the guy is a genius.

- Print and Play Presidential Debate Bingo. (And don't forget to refresh, as the squares change each time.) [thanks to Paul]

Lots of funny headlines today. Stay tuned...

A Long Needed Explanation...

Hello friends.

As you can see, I've been on a bit of a hiatus (and, at times, low-atus). I know that my loyal readers out there were concerned, and your e-mails and surprising personal visits at home and at work were all very much appreciated.

I'll get to the weird news in a minute, but in another bout of self promotion, it should be noted that Rush Limbaugh mentioned that other website of mine on his show today, including MY NAME three times. Frankly, I'm still swooning. Because, you see, I LOVE RUSH LIMBAUGH. I do!! Through the thick and the slightly less thick. He's a GREAT GUY! Sure, he was addicted to prescription pain medication... so was I! And I still make harsh and irrational judgment calls without doing any background research! Not to mention that the two of us are not exactly the perfect picture of American values and morality. We have more than just our spare tires in common.

So yes, this man's man who I am in love with mentioned my very name. You can read a transcript of it on his website. And I think there's been a misunderstanding!! Rush apparently thinks that I ALONE am going to have sex with everyone who votes on November 2. Now, while it is highly possible that Rush has been a major player in one of my several highly-acclaimed gangbangs (available at your local Uterine Wal-Mart), let's be serious: As much as I want to, it would be impossible for me to have sex with the over 15,000 people who have pledged!!! Wishful thinking, Rush, but the math just doesn't add up.

Lastly, it is a shame that Rush assumes we are a partisan site. I'll have you all know that, in fact, I've gotten hundreds of e-mails from conservatives loving the site (seriously!) for its humor value as well as its providing an opportunity to attend a fun party on election night. It's a year when there's a lot lot lot of serious shit to discuss, no doubt. Don't we all need a breather?? Sometimes tongue-in-cheek humor misses those whose tongues and cheeks are too busy spewing hateful nonsense.

Really, it's been a pleasure folks. And honestly, I couldn't have begged for a better publicity shout-out. But it should be known in this time of need that I could really use an e-mail or two telling me that I'm not a dirty, disease-ridden, morally depraved whore. And trust me, the amount of celeb pics I could've linked to that last phrase were so numerous, I'll leave it to you to fill in the skank. (Side note: God Bless the Fleshbot people for being fucking awesome.)

FINAL THING: I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a street interview on the Tony Danza show tomorrow or Thursday at 10 am on ABC. They stopped me on Broadway to ask me who my childhood crushes were. I said Scott Baio and Neal Sedaka. If you think that's retarded, wait for the rest. I'm pretty sure I admitted that my room was plastered in 227 posters.

DRUM ROLL: YOUR WEIRD NEWS ROUND-UP!

- First of all, and I've been waiting forever to post this, there's the Godfather Horse Head Pillow.




- Also, Doggles. They're Goggles for Dogs. Something tells me they'll only look cool on Japanese dogs. Also, check out their helpful chart comparing the benefits of doggles versus sunglasses for dogs.




- A "Pirate" was found naked on a roof. Apparently, this "pirate" had drifted ashore on sea, and the MAGAZINE he was using as a TELESCOPE ended up not coming in handy.

- In a final pleading with God to rid him of his misery, a 108 year old man has taken up smoking. Seriously, when I'm 108, I'm going to stitch myself a unitard made of ham, put it on, and eat it Mama Cass style until I drop.

- A study has show that living in the Suburbs can make you sick. Ha! I knew living in New York would pay off! Wai- Oh god, excuse me. I just shit a lung out of my ass.

- Speaking of smoking and asses, the Governator has banned smoking from prisons in California. You know, he should tell those guys that a GREAT way to get your mind off of smoking is latchhooking!!



She'll really come in handy during those long, smokeless nights.

- See, other intelligent, morally depraved people are really making a name for themselves!

- A bear breaks into a nursing home. Turns out he was just there to visit his Grandma.




- Finally, I'm in the market for a new duvet cover. So I go to Ebay, as I do, when I see this: A man selling a used DKNY duvet with, and I quote, "unnoticeable brown stain marks, two white stain marks, some very small needle holes, 1 small tear and a 3" tear easily closed." People, it sold for 66 dollars! Seriously, one night at a Motel 6 costs less than half of that, with nearly thrice as many stains to peruse... and by the hour? Don't get me started, you make your money back ten fold!

A.O.Hell on Earth

I'm home in Miami this weekend visiting the folks. Because they read the blog, I can't get into the details of my trip. If interested in reading more about my dealings with the "rents", check out my other blog "Someonepleasegetmeoutofthishell.blogspot.com". You will notice no links in this post since, due to the AOL my father insists on using, by the time I google the appropriate websites and pictures and work my magic, the camera will cut back to the chair I'm sitting in 105 years from now, where a dusty skeleton wearing my glasses will appear to have replaced me. So please, Google funny pictures and anecdotes at your own discretion.

On a lighter note, I did see my 10 day old niece Danielle, who I must say appears to have inherited the highly sought after "Collins Genius Gene."

One saving grace here in So Fla is the local news, which never fails to deliver. Example: In a promo commercial, we see the picture of a man's horribly scabbed stomach, with the voiceover saying "This man thought he had found the perfect hiding place from Hurrican Frances.... until he was attacked by two pitbulls."

Just finished watching the Emmys (not including an hour-long special I took in about Henry the VIII and his wives that was UN-believably good). Couple of things off of the top of my head:

- Listening to Jeffrey Wright of Angels in America fame begin to talk about the AIDS epidemic at the same time as the "Wrap it Up" music began to swell into its glorious horn-ucopia. Innaaappprrrooopprrriiiaaattteee.

- A saggy boo to Allison Janney for winning (so sick of her). Also, cheers to her for causing the most hilarious/embarassing moment of the show. Janney chose to be the bigger man, inviting her fellow nominees to the stage with her. I watched in horror and delight as only D-lister Marissa Hargitay took her up on her offer, being the ONLY ONE to walk onto the stage, while the other three noms sat firmly planted in their thousand dollar gowns. Hargitay was practically spewing vinegar, acting lik such a douchebag. Really, if you missed this, I feel sorry for you. I DIED LAUGHING.

- "Kudos" to Arrested Development. Not only for winning, but also for fueling Larry David's trademarked "Angry Fire." And a "chocolate covered granola bar" to Chris Rock for the funniest line of the night ("Who in the hell is Elaine Stitch?").

One final note of self-promotion: I will be appearing on an internet radio talk show Monday to talk about Votergasm, which I've been living and breathing for a couple of weeks now. You can listen to me! (Warning: Hearing my voice may ruin whatever notions you have of me sounding like a lilting rose. Really, picture Brad Garrett of Everybody Loves Raymond singing The Best of Nina Simone, and then reading a passage from The Book of Obscure References that Nobody Cares About.)

The info: I'll be on Renegade Talk Radio from 12:30 to 1:00 EST/ 9:30 to 10:00 PST. The show is called Blunt, and apparently there are no FCC regulations. Will I drop the F-Bomb? Tune in and find out! In the meantime, I'll be back on Tuesday.

Shofar, Sho Good

To all my Jewish readers out there: Happy New Year! To the rest of you: It's Thursday. And to the French: Happy "Bash a Jew on the Head" Day (a.k.a. "Every Day").

It's the new year, Year 5765 according to the Jewish Calendar. I was going to wear this awesome fuschia off-the-shoulder dress to synagogue last night, but then decided it was sooo 5764.

And now, some Jewish New Year's Resolutions:

1. I will quit smoking herring.

2. I will tone my touchas.

3. I will stop kvetching about bopkes, and avoid tsures at all costs.

4. I will spend more time with my mispoche.

5. I will throw out my beloved shmates and avoid looking like "such a shlepper" (thanks mom).


On to our top stories:



- The Slappiest Place on Earth: CNN.com reports that Michael Chartrand (above), the man recently arrested for fondling a 13 year old while dressed as Tigger, has been arrested again, this time for allegedly shoving two people while dressed as Goofy.

According to Chartrand's top attorney (Harvard Law grad no less!):

Goofy is always playful," Kaufman told the Orlando Sentinel. "Of course he was goofing around because he was Goofy!

Did I say "Harvard Law"? What I meant to say was Barvard Law. In Indiana. Lesser known, and waaaaay worse.

So this is how he plans on defending himself?! By saying that the character is "Goofy"? What's next? Will Dopey smoke a blunt with some 8th graders behind the Haunted House? He's "Dopey", ladies and gentlemen! Cut to Winnie the Pooh hurling bear feces at innocent cry-standers. He's Winnie the Pooh, for God's sake! And don't even get me started on Snow White and her Adventures in Nose-Candy Land.

Take my advice: Keep your kids a good 15 feet away from Disney's Latest Characters "Molesty" and "Get-in-my-Vanny."

Also noteworthy, check out the man behind the mask. Yeesh! You're telling me Disney officials didn't know this guy was a child molester/shover in advance? Is this what Disney characters look like unrobed, sans giant rubber head?? Check out some of the faces behind Mickey, Pluto, and Cinderella (in the wee hours).

- The Thomas Jeffersons: Movin' On Up. Check out the latest hotness that is the New Nickel.

- Driving without a Ricense: The Yukon. Barren landscape. A man stops his truck to celebrate Canada's win in a hockey tournament. His wonderdog knocks his truck into drive, and takes off. This story was really just a vehicle for me to post this picture of a frightened dog attempting escape:



- New York's Top Baby Name is Emily, narrowly beating out New York's second and third choices, "Little Bastard" and "Hurry up! The train is here! Come on, stop dragging your feet! Let's go!! Stop whining, NOW. Uch, GOD, why did I have kids?!?!"

- NYers Take Note: No matter what you hear, it IS in fact OK to be drunk and high while serving jury duty. No word yet on if my boss allows similar behaviors in my foam-walled asylum. Still no word yet on whether I give a shit.

- The award for most intriguing title of the day goes to: Lay Down Sally Slapped by Team Mate. When Sally says she likes to row, she means it in every sense of the word.

- This News Article says: Beer In Moderation Could Be Good For You. My Bloated FUPA Says: Please... No... More... Beer.

- And for all those single gals out there: YOY! Really, this is how I picture myself looking in heaven. On second thought, this pic is making me mildly-slash-very uncomfortable.

Ivan the Terrible... Terrible Headline.

See also Free iVans.

Kudos to people keeping their sense of humor during these pressing, destructive and life threatening times. [via Steve Garfield]

Sprain in the Ass

I don't know how it happened, but I managed to wake up with a sprained wrist a few days ago. I have a feeling it's from resting my bosom's girth upon the fragile, delicate meeting of my arm to hand, and waking up to a blue shriveled dead limb the next morning. (Best thing ever: When you wake up to one completely numb arm, your other arm can hold its unfeeling hand and pretend it's that of your fake boyfriend's. Worst thing ever: When the feeling comes back to your arm, but not to your heart.)

P.S.: Possible Rosh Hashanah gift for me: The Japanese Boyfriend Pillow. For serious, it has an alarm clock where the arm "gently wakes you." Hoping they add the feature where the arm "slaps you hard across the back of the head" to snap you back into reality.



Aaaaanyway, now my wrist is slightly sprained/pulled, and it's hell on earth people. Even the smallest of gestures (used to tell a barely amusing watercooler story or flip the bird at the back of a co-worker) brings a shooting pain to my body. Life as it was is no longer.

But I must. Keep. Going.

- Tipping the Jails: A New York man is arrested after not tipping the required 18% gratuity for his party of 9. (See an update here.) Really though, if small tips were enough to send you to jail, my Grandfather would be on Death Row. (Ever try to sneak in an extra couple bucks on the table behind the bad tippers back? Yeah, they really don't like that.)

- Speaking of unfair jail time: Inmates at an Indiana prison are now allowed to keep pet cats in their cells. Apparently the cats lower their stress, keep the inmates subdued, and are nearly invisible when smuggling tiny bags of heroin from cell to cell in their tiny kitty intestines.

- And just when you thought I was through with funny jail stories: Elderly people: You can't live with em. You can't suffocate them in their sleep for their insurance policies. Luckily, their feet are in prime position for some good old fashioned bucket kicking. Where was I? Jails, right! A busload of elderly tourists got lost in an Australian prison yesterday, after thinking it was a Truck Stop. Now that I think about it, truck stops and prisons have a lot more in common than you would think. (Picture guy-on-guy humping.)



Grandma Miriam: "I'll Cut You, Bitch!"

- Pacifiers could teach babies how to eat. I don't know -- my own mother skipped on the pacifiers, instead lulling me into submission using mouthfuls of marshmallow fluff, and on good days, pork chops. I turned out fine! Or did I?



- Now, nerds can discover the wonderful benefits of radio... (If the picture below isn't compelling enough for you to click on this link, you're wasting your time here.)




- From the NY Post: "A Santiago, Chile artist's new pieces are all made of meat, including a scene from 'Little Red Riding Hood' in which the wolf, whose ears are made of bacon, is hiding under covers made of ham..." Journalism at its finest people. I'm not being sarcastic.

- Hot Off the Dresses!: 'Slutwear' Is So Last Year on New York Runways. Still a very popular choice on New York sidewalks, though.



Captain Hooker: Not Seen on the Runways

- A recent study has shown that Americans get plenty of sleep and watch too much TV. What?! That's ridiculous!! Why I... i... (snoring. snoring.) Huh? Wha? (hard blink.) Oh hi. Oh look, The View is on! (watching tv. small smirk. watching some more. wondering how Star Jones lugs herself into work every day. then, more sleeping.)



Star Jones and a Joy "To Behold" Behar

- Yet another pointless study explains that it is not the size of your nose, but in fact the size of ones nostrils, that determines a persons sense of smell. Either way, keep your first born away from this guy:

You Can't Make It Up's SEXIEST ANCHORMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD Goes To...

See Related: PLAYGIRL Chooses KEITH OLBERMAN AS SEXIEST ANCHORMAN OF THE YEAR

Guarding Stress

OK, OK. I realize that my posting this past week was abysmal, completely uncalled for. Well, my work has finally caught up with me people, and in order to keep supplying myself with enough boxes of instant indian food to survive, I cannot get fired.

But, because it's Monday, and because I love you all, here are some little ditties that will hopefully get you through your day. Please forgive some of the more colloquial entries.

4First off, my morning commute was made all the more exciting this morning by the woman I was sitting next to. Wearing skin tight spandex pants, a cocked mushroom cap and gold-rimmed sunglasses, she seemed engrossed in some sort of do-it-yourself book. Intrigued, I took a peek at the cover. It was titled "Men Cheat, Women Experiment" by Natosha Gale Lewis. My neigh-whore was on page 129, and written atop every page in about 48 pt. Arial Bold font was the chapter title: BEWARE OF DOG! It took up over half the page.

I wanted to know more about her story, who she was, her past, that would get her to read a book such as this. One thing was for certain: No doubt men across the Tri-State area were still nursing the indelible wounds left by such a fabulously manicured vixen. She adjusted her cap, snapped her book shut, and left just about every person on my car wondering who the hell she thought she was.

4Secondly, and shortly, do not, I repeat DO NOT purchase Paper Mate Tandem pen, which is both a pen and highlighter in one. Its barrel is so cumbersome, its like learning how to write cursive with a kielbas. I.e., very uncomfortable. And 5 dollars no less! Here is a picture of a man getting my goat:




4To kick off Oprah's 19th season, she awarded every member of the audience with a brand new Pontiac car, after friends and family wrote in about all of their car troubles. Hey, friends, someone want to start a letter writing campaign to Oprah for me? I don't want to drop any hints, but it rhymes with Bass Bimplants. Imagine what an awesome Season Finale that would make.

4In other personal news, I was very nearly attacked by a Pantsless Old Man downtown on Friday. Ladies, listen up: If you see a P.O.M. in your vicinity, do yourself a favor and DO NOT offer him some pants, new or used. He doesn't want pants, not your pants or anyone's. But please know, from me to you, that you have a good heart.

4The title of this one should explain it all: Doing Hard Time In Monkey Jail. Really, though, the idea of little effeminate monkey gangs = ADORABLE.




4Side note: My grandmother once went to a zoo in Austria, and one monkey, who until then had been completely calm and collected, took one look at her and flipped it's little chimp lid. It began hurling tomatoes at her, literally going apeshit on her ass, and only chilled out after she had left. When she returned to test the monkey waters a little later(she was one feisty ol' broad, that Grandma of mine), again the monkey threw tomatoes at her. It was Monkey 2, Grandma 0 in this Evolutionary War battle.

4Cat Toilet Danger: Ay No!

4I quit smoking 3 weeks ago and am up to half-a-pack of Orbit Gum an hour, in other words a loss of $0.19 a minute. This should inspire a whole new letter writing campaign to Oprah's cronies.

4V.E.C.S., or "Very Exciting Celebrity Sighting": Not so much because of the star power, more so due to the proximity to my apartment. On my very corner, actor Richard Kind. Long, unsatisfied sigh.



4Finally, very exciting news: Votergasm.org, the "Youth Movement" for which I am the spokeswoman (and I'm ALL spokeswoman, honey), has received its first mention in print in today's San Francisco Chronicle. See the article here (last paragraph.) Stay tuned for more press tid-bits in the coming days...

Rain: Train, Go Away

There are days, and there are days. Today began like every other. Startled awake by Tom Jones blasting from my stereo (side note: download his cover of Portishead's "All Mine" ASAP), I slipped my arms through two holes I cut into a Hefty bag, knotted my accompanying twist-tie belt, and was ready to conquer New York City. All would have been OK, had it not been for one tiny, small inconvenience taking place outside: THE APOCALYPSE. The sky had opened, friends, and rain was reigning the city, transforming roads into above-ground sewers and me into one helpless hussy. And, as per yoozh, the trains weren't running. Sometimes I think Jerry Lewis is raising money for the wrong cause.

Sure, the Starbucks latte I threw back took the edge off. But I was soaked to the bone, hefty bag and all -- apparently the 8 inch diameter of the cardboard umbrella I bought from that half-dead Chinese woman wasn't enough to block out the downpour.

At this point, I did what any unhappily-employed girl in her right mind would do when the trains aren't running: say "Am I retarded?", go home, put some sweatpants on, watch Maury Povitch and have a good cry.

By 11, ready to finally work, I re-emerged from my lair of unwatchable programming to an overcast sky and a yuge crowd of pissed off West Sidahs. The trains still weren't running. But to my bosses, sticklers for proper attendance and punctuality, even this wouldn't be a good enough excuse. "Couldn't you have hang-glided your way downtown off the George Washington Bridge?" one would inevitably ask. I even debated being dragged balled up on a small bodyboard behind one of the two insanely packed buses that passed, a la the hotly disgruntled Keanu Reeves in Speed.

But I'm a hoofer and a shaker, so I walked my ass down to 42nd street, about 4 miles, to catch the train. Not such a bad walk, but in heeled boots, a blister's paradise. After being man-handled and pan-handled on a subway car as hot as a desert crotch for around an hour, I finally arrived at my job, bleeding, hobbling, sweat shpritzing from the pores not yet caked with city dirt. It was 1:00 p.m.

"What took you so long?" someone hissed, while throwing a stapler at my face. "I need copies made."

Sometimes I ask myself if it was worth it.

Votergasm 2004

It being Labor Day (happy, happy), blogging will be put on hold until tomorrow.

In the meantime, head over to Votergasm.com, a website that aims to combine two of the freedoms that make America the best country on earth: voting and effing. Take the Votergasm pledge: Citizens withhold sex from any non-voters, while American Heroes will only bone another voter on the 2nd and will withhold sex from non-voters for the next four years. Sure, it's asking a lot, but c'mon... Do it for your cuntry.

Pledge taken, head over to the Ass or Trunk section (keep your eyes peeled for yours truly.) Warning: this website does, in fact, feature some models wearing "Manties".

Get the word out and tell your friends. It can only help your chances come Nov. 2nd (literally).

Labor Pains

Happy Labor Day Weekend! Let's get to it, I ain't got all day.

4FIRSTLY, an uncomfortably long air-kiss from me to President Clinton, who is in the hospital for quadruple bypass surgery. The upside? I hear his nurse has a little bit of a crush on him. The bad news? Here's his nurse:


Oh, President Clinton! Are you... are you having a leg cramp?! OK, why don't I go ahead and massage it, that should take care of it. There you go... (whispering) there you go.


4Joan Rivers claims she hasn't had that much plastic surgery. Have you seen her lately? She looks better than ever -- and tre' au naturale!


Before and Laughter.

4Urine Great Shape: Drinking a cup of urine a day will help you rid yourself of disease and loved ones.

4Also of note: Robots can break laws???

4Definitely Not Kosher: Austen Gullete, of Louisiana, has a pig problem on his hands... his sister caught him porking their pot-bellied Taiwanese pig "P-Pie". Once discovered, Austen fled into the woods, but physical evidence found on P-Pie (vomit) proves he's guilty. P-Pie is being rehabilitated at the local veterinarian with pillow talk and cigarettes.



4Clear your twisted mind with this video of a dog rolling down a car window in record time.

And a wonderful Labor Day to you all!!

Oscar Buzz

Thanks to Drue for the pic, and Punrise Punset for being a continuous source of inspiration for me.

Post Haste

This post would've been up sooner, but I was instructed to reorganize the ENTIRE library while the other soulless, half-dead workers smoked their life away in front of my building. It won't be long until they're grim reaping the benefits.

4Whaddya get when you cut 50 bras in half? One hundred yarmulkes. Whaddya get when you sew them back together? See for yourself.




4Feeling retired? Head over to Florence, Oregon, voted best place to retire in the U.S.. Locals frequent The Duomo Fried Chicken Hut, and catch the latest in cutting edge cinema Galleria Uffizi 48 Theater Megaplex/IMAX. Afterwards, head to the River Arno Watering Hole, unless you're a Guinea, and then stay the hell off of their property.




4The Museum of Sex has been removed from the RNC's list of discounted attractions. The Museum of Pleated-Khaki-Wearing Sexually Repressed Men with Outlandish Fetishes has been added in its place.


Likes to ride unicycles backwards while you read him love sonnets and pee in his mouth.

4Locals in Reno are trying to get in the record books for making an 8,000 pound burrito. Not the record for World's Largest Burrito, but for the World's Largest Synchronized Diarrhea Attack.

4Hey fellas, looking for an easy way to get out of a relationship? Have your lady friend try this Poison Bracelet on for size!

4E PLURBUS POO-NUM: Doctor's in Thailand were performing surgery on a man, when they discovered 4.2 pounds of loose change in his abdomen. The doctor reported that the man is "in safe condition", without a hint of irony.

4A man has his penis bitten off by dog. Police warn to steer clear of this rabid beast, picture below:


Hey pal, that's no chew toy.

4And finally, the worst Personality Test I've ever seen.

RaNCid

Let's begin with an open letter to CBS: Can you please pick a time, one muthafuckin' time, a week when Amazing Race 5 fans (holla!) can catch the new episodes?? I swear, every week, New York has a new time slot for this bullshit. I wasted an hour of my life watching Trading Spouses yesterday (cut to me at the end, crying my face off), until I got the obligatory post-Race wrap-up call from dear Mother, and nearly blew a gasket. A gasket of rage.

Moving on, I caught Schwarzenegger's speech at the RNC yesterday. He looks great. Although he should really consider travelling to Beijing in 2008 to compete in some Equestrian dressage with that wife a his. Hey Maria. This Guy called. He wants his face back. Satisfied sigh. My work here is done.

Or is it? Clearly, Schwartzy has no need to go to the Olympics, as his speech was chock full of bronzed mettle. But in between random movie catch phrases ("To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: 'It's not a tumah!'") and misty-eyed recollections of coming out of the Republican closet, well... he just didn't seem to be making sense.

Example:

The President didn't go into Iraq because the polls told him it was popular. As a matter of fact, the polls said just the opposite. But leadership isn't about polls. It's about making decisions you think are right and then standing behind those decisions. That's why America is safer with George W. Bush as President.

My ears blinked really hard when they heard this one. Is this supposed to soften my cold, dead heart to Bush's radical decision making? Did Al Franken get a hold of his speech before air time? (Clearly, he didn't, as the speech would have ended with Schwarzegger furiously masturbating while screaming "I'm the Govahnatah! You are Govahnated!" ... or something like that... awkward throat clear.)

Best part of the night had to be the Bush Twins coming out to introduce their Mother. Watching them stammer their way through a terribly written speech (really, they should have been reading it off of a three-way-board, sci projy style), I couldn't help but feel really good... about myself. Chelsea Clinton threatened me a little bit, a little too full of herself. "Look at me! I'm a ballet dancer! I went to Oxford!" she taunted continuously. These girls... now these are girls I can feel superior too! And, you know? That might be just enough to swing my vote. (Insert infinite JK's here.)