Ear Candle In the Wind

So ever since my illness a couple of weeks ago, I've had about a gallons worth of fluid stuck in my right ear. The results are fascinating (to me). Going down the elevator can result in a sharp pain and pressure, followed by light-sabre-esque whooshing sounds. And sometimes, my hearing in that ear will just shit out altogether, the stress of which will lead my left eye to twitch, which double stressed me, rendering me into what the experts call "crazy face".

But rather than go to an Ear/Nose/Throat doc and plunk down my outragoues $50 co-pay, I've decided to try a new medical breakthrough called "waiting", where I just wait for the malady to cure itself. UnFORtunately, this whole deafness thing doesn't sit so well with me.

A friend suggested ear candling, a product that I used to obsess about. There can be nothing more satisfying than vacuuming hard-to-reach gunk from the depths of ones canals. Colonics aside, a few years back I went to Whole Foods to actually buy an ear candle... and having the saleswoman look me up and down, and then tell me that they don't sell them anymore because people were lighting themselves on fire.

So any cures? Has anyone ever candled? I see they still sell em online, but I worry that I will be the very girl to light herself ablaze in an effort to make my canals squeaky clean. Any tips would be appreciated.