Friday, September 23, 2005

Earning A Badge In Shit-Eating Grins

My my my, how my little Dakota has grown!

JKJKJK, she's just a little girl... A little girl with a heart of old. (Inspiration for your nightmares via DudeManPhat)

And just when you thought that Dakota Fanning had been squeezed for all of her melodramatic, retardedly-upbrought, De-Niro-Denzel-Britney-Murphy-Scene-Stealing ways, she pulls another trick out of her Hollywood bag that leaves the country begging for more...

Dakota Fanning's "Bag".


"I do... solemnly swear... to suck the life... out of all of God's creatures... using only my fangs... and the blessing of the Demonmaster... in order to sustain... a presence in Hollywood... or at least... a gig on VH1."

"Here's the number for my friend Jonathan Taylor Thomas. He likes 'em young... yeah... reaaaal young. Yessss, you'll do just fine. Tell him Madame Penny Trayshun sent you."

(through a tight smile) "Get my agent on the phone... yeah hello? It's Penny. Listen, you better make sure you sit me between the two fattest fucks at that convention, you got it? I'm talkin chubby... glasses wouldn't hurt either. And I dare you -- DARE YOU -- not to listen to me. I'll twist your balls so fucking tight you're sperm's gonna come out of your ass, you hear me you dickless shit?!"

Dakota Fanning posing with a copy of her latest straight-to-vid movie, "Chucky's Illegitimate Daughter."

Frankly, this does not come as a shock to me. Think about it, Dakota Fanning makes the perfect Girl Scout! I will now prove this to you using one of my favorite theorem devices, "The Numbered List":

1. She can be spotted from hundred of miles away when lost in the woods.

2. She's an excellent cook.

3. She can start fires with her mind.

4. Her socks are lined with smack.

5. She's the only white girl Robert De Niro considers family.

Congrats Dakota -- your star continues to rise! With thanks to Mr. T. Master, who, for one reason or another, oddly associates me with this little fucktard.

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