Thursday, January 13, 2005

Search Terms of Endearment

While You Can't Make It Up has its share of fans, every day millions of people end up here by way of a search engine. Most of them are jonesing for some Tara Reid Franken-breast snapshots, others wish to learn more about England's anti-bullying bracelet. Sometimes it will be someone yearning to catch a glimpse of Carly Patterson's cameltoe or a crotch shot of british actress of the same name Michelle Collins (to which I genuinely apologize... hopefully my own crotch shots didn't disappoint.)

But every once in a while, I will come across a search term that really makes me wonder about those commoners out there.

What follows is a list of the most cringe-inducing, head-scratching, ball-adjusting phrases that has brought random people to this here site, along with some thoughts on each.

Can pizza make my anus itchy? (Anyone have an answer for this guy?)

A Pic of the Mexico flag for a report that i can make bigger and can change were i want to put it (I am first hit on this one! But one wonders why there are people out there making retarded chimps write papers on Mexico.)

Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without (What's that? Sorry, it's hard to hear you over the buzz of the needle tattooing this phrase onto my pectoral, Eve-style.)

Milo and otis cats killed during filming (A misconception. Don't let the blatant cat-abuse in this movie lead you to believe any were killed.)

Matthew Lillard Fan Club in Deutschland (I'd make a crack, but on second thought, the Germans deserve this one.)

"Olsen twins before they were famous" (This amused me up for a number of reasons, as the answer to that query is clearly "When they were an unfertilized egg". They’ve been famous since the day their slimy ape-heads popped outta their momma's vag.)

i want word for word on how to make drug ice (The word is: Cube Trays.)

Face Up To The Fact That You Are Who You Are, And Nothing Can Change That, Belief (Pardon me while I have a nervous breakdown, and eat myself into a babganoush-induced coma.)

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You said it, Billy [via]

fuck cancer rubber bracelet (Heart-warming.)

turds (See above.)

Snoop Dog + Ovarian Cancer + Necklace (By far, my FAVORITE term! It really leaves you guessing.)

“powdering” “baby powder” torture (Someone, please call the authorities and have this person arrested.)

“The Bachelor suicide” (One can dream.)

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