Oprah-d to Be an American

Above: Oprah, Pre-Devil-Owned-Soul and Post-Op

Her friends call her "Woman with the Heart of Gold." Family members nicknamed her "Compassion" and "Mouthy." But to those who don't know her, she is simply.... "Oprah."

In an effort to keep her publicity down and to rake in an extra $17 bucks a day, Oprah took part in a jury for a murder trial that's been going on for the past few weeks. Says a fellow juror, "It was a lot of fun, it was like being on her show." Said juror will appear on Winfrey's show in a few weeks, no lie.

The deliberations ended yesterday, and Oprah was just bursting at her scarred seams. After grabbing the judges gavel and pretending it was a microphone, Oprah interviewed fellow jurors about things like their marrital sex-lives and one juror who lost three and one half pounds, far exceeding "Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Challenge". The camera then cut away to a pleased Dr. Phil, giving a thumbs up with one hand and shoving a burrito stuffed with cheese, buffalo wings and money into his mouth with the other.

At the end of the hour, the verdict was announced. Dion Coleman was found guilty of first-degree murder in the 2002 shooting death of 23-year-old Walter Holley. Oprah then left the courtroom to a media blitz, where she stated:

This is not good for the victim's family... This is not about Oprah Winfrey, the fact is a man has been murdered.

The earth then shook, knocking the media off their feet, as victim Mr. Holley rolled over in his grave.

In more news about Oprah Winfrey, she plans on spending an entire show dealing with the murder trial, and, undoubtedly, about not being able to get a breadless turkey sandwich (aka motherfuckin' sliced turkey breast) in the courthouse. Stay tuned next week when Oprah goes to the DMV to take her driving test, and runs over a small child in a state-owned '93 Geo. That's gotta be, what, like a week's worth of shows, no?