Thursday, December 30, 2004

New York Times and Misdemeanors

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The New York Times Real Estate column "The Hunt" profiles an 18 year old aspiring vinegar and water pouch who really puts the "unt" in "hunt". The article covers some basics about finding a roommate and getting an apartment (are you saying Craigslist has apartment listings?!?!), the only difference being that 1. Her parents are paying her rent; and 2. who gives a shit what else, her PARENTS are paying her rent!

She is foregoing college to pursue a failing singing career. She sings demo tapes for songwriters. When I hear demo tapes, my first thought is from my favorite Simpsons episode of all time "A Milhouse Divided." Kirk Van Houten, Milhouse's dad, is recently divorced. He is in the midst of romancing a woman named "Starla", when she craftily steals his car and tosses his demo tape out of the window. It is called "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" One of the lyrics is definitely "Can you spare me a glove of love?" Remember when The Simpsons were funny? (nostalgic sigh.) Where was I?

Luckily, Melanie was able to land a chubby aspiring Broadway singer/dancer as a roomate, which must give her confidence a boost now and again. Take it from me: A pic of my co-dweller. Seriously, a fat asian toddler makes you feel like Angelina Jolie even on your worst of days. (Speaking of which, has anyone ever used the headline "Jolie Screen Giant"? You heard it here first.)

Her mother insisted that she live in an area with "a Starbucks within half a block" of her apartment. I'll break that one down for you real easy. "Starbucks within half a block" is code for "No minorities within at least a mile." And if you're wondering why she's so "spoiled" and, yes, "cunty", a reader points out that her mother forbids her from riding the subway, so she takes cabs everywhere. People, I've seen newborn babies roll themselves onto subways. Babies! Strange but fictional!

In case you were wondering what hot beverage to throw in her face if you ever see her, she likes toffee nut lattes. My bitterness will henceforth retire for the remainder of the day.

Just 18 and Singing for Her Starbucks


Image Hosted by helps you start your mourning off the proper way, by learning that you're "incompatible" with ferrets and that 44% of men are turned on by "body odor." Oh, and when you get a second, take a quick gand at the most horrific natural disaster in recorded history.

p.s. My animal IQ is "pretty good."

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See Also: Media Bubble Bursting

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Bits and Pieces

- A giant breeding deer named Goliath died last week at 7 1/2. Well no wonder he was a breeding deer! Check out the size of that ballsack!

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- The Christian Aid has a new campaign called "Goat For It". Apparently, Brits have been buying goats for their relatives this Christmas season, although the goats are intended to help starving families in Third World countries. The opening line of this article is priceless:

It's hairy and smells and will butt you, given half a chance.

Good lord, that could decribe a number of things, including half of my co-workers and my Uncle "Cock-Eyed" Gene, who has gone missing, although I have a sneaking suspicion he's in the Witness Protection Program. When he would butt you, that's was a sign that you were about to be "whacked".

Here's "Cock-Eyed" Gene doing his best Winton Churchill impersonation. We miss you, Gene.

- The tabloids have spent months speculating that penguins are gay and now it's official. Penguins are gay. Well, helloooo - they're the only animal in the wild kingdom that are genetically structured to be in formal gear all the time. You show me a giraffe born wearing a searsucker suit, and then at least we'll be getting somewhere. Seriously, though, Queer Eye for the Straight Penguin? Awww! Little interior decorated igloos and flat front penguin pants? Pobracito.

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Let us watch as a queer penguin tries to play it "cool" and infiltrate a group of penguins he thinks are "stone-cold hotties." Alas, they turn their beaks up at him.

- In a seemingly related story, Rudolph was really Rudolpha. The scientific explanation is kinda boring and dumb (involving antlers and the like -- I mean, are scientists getting paid to research this fictional garbage?), but it finally answers the question as to what kept Santa happy when he was away from Mrs. Claus.

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A candid shot of "Rudolpha" downing some wine before Santa makes her "ride his sleigh". Let the shuddering commence.

- You can finally breathe a sigh of relief. Oh wait, no, hold on... nah, never mind, keep shitting your pants as usual.

- But cheer up, folks! Here's the BBC's list of "50 Things to Eat Before You Die". I'm proud to say I've eaten 41 out of 50 (including kangaroo). Now, does anyone know where I can score some savory guinea pig? Did someone say Mrs. Ford's third-grade homeroom class? I'm there.

Unrelated, but funny. Click on pic to read.

- Maxi-pad slippers. Nothing to see here folks. [with thanks to Jami]

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For when your feet finally become a woman.

- Finally: A solemn farewell to the star of Law & Order Jerry Orbach, who passed away today from prostate cancer at 69 year old. Hopefully now I'll be able to figure out the difference between him and Richard Belzer.

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

A Million to Pun

The pun blog has been getting a lot of media attention these days. The NYT Sunday Styles section recently declared "Last season's Manolo's are this season's pun blog!" Yeah, I don't get it either, but check out our latest genius postings nevertheless. Listening to Astrud Gilberto while reading the puns out loud as a greezed up Latin man fans you with giant ostrich feather is a fun way to spice up an old post, or so they tell me.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Aisle Be The Critic

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This is a new and possible one-time only feature here called "Aisle Be The Critic", where I share some thoughts, ramblings and incoherent opinions about the latest cinematic fare. Let us begin the journey.



Before ya'll start straightening the judgment tie on your gavel asses, please understand that I forced my friend to walk into a random Phantom theater just to catch a glimpse of what could be cinematic genius. And our luck! We entered the theater right as "Music of the Night" began. Sigh. Do not see this movie. The man playing Phantom has a singing voice that mimics what Kermit likely sounds like after a generous helping of orange juice in the morning, i.e. throaty, weird, and with zero power.

Final Word: Phantom of the Slopera.

Charles Nelson Reilly Says:

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The Aviator, on the other hand, really delivered a great product. Let's start with Leonardo. Do you know that this guy nearly ran me over on his bicycle on 66th Street and Broadway, with Giselle not far behind? Well he did. I was clearly so star struck that you could've ripped my lips off and stuck em in the spokes to create a catchy "motor" sound I think Leo would have liked. Well, no hard feelings, DiCappy! You delivered a fine product in The Aviator. I found the movie thoroughly entertaining, beautifully shot and overall enjoyable. But back to Leo: Can you believe that this guy is 30? He could still pass as the little kid on Growing Pains, I swear. My only gripe with the film was DiCaps' believability as a 50ish southuh-nuh - his close-ups were all peach fuzz and sprouting pubes. Am I actually supposed to believe that this "man" had an affair with Kate Hepburn, played by a toothy Kate Blanchett?

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Overall, The Aviator is worth your time, and it wouldn't kill you to sneak into Phantom afterwards either (although I didn't.)

Final Word: Aviator-de-Force

Charles Nelseon Reilly Says:

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You guys! Sandler is in a new movie, and, awwww, he's grown his Jewfro out!

Shame I didn't last to see his Spanglish debut. The first 10 minutes of the movie are spent with a young spanish girl reading her Princeton admissions essay aloud, describing her mother's struggle as a "Mexican" maid trying to "make it" in the "States." The truth of the matter is it's a "Penelope Cruz lookalike" who is not "Mexican at all" and somehow gets a "job" working for Tea Leoni as a... "maid." If I were Lupe Ontiveros, I'd be making a very angry call to my agent right now. Other casting misfires include an annoying, chubby little girl who, sadly, can't act. Example:

Tea: (annoying, hyper-active, hardly believable mother, after saying something racist) Gulp!

Chubby, Homely Daughter Who Has No Business Being in Movies not Cause of Weight but Cause of Bad Acting: Double Gulp!! (winks at camera.)

At this point, I grabbed my friends arm, and 10 minutes into the movie, we were "Spang-gone"!

Final Word: As my friend Becca put it: Get me out of this shitbox.

Charles Nelson Reilly Says:

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Meet the Fockers, 8:40 p.m.

The best part about going to a new movie on the same night - double the previews!! And ladies, if you go forth with this plan, bring a change of underwear, cause the "In Good Company" preview can ruin even the best of women.

As a big fan of Meet the Parents, I found it difficult to convince anyone to see Fockers with me. But after Spanglish, you could've hooked electrodes to my lids while playing Kathy Lee's Carnival Cruise Line Commercial on Imax AND repeat, and I would've been giggling like a Teletubby on Meth.

To put all these cutesy critics in their place, here we go (throat clear): Meet the Fockers is fucking hilarious. It's not a "focking good time." It's a FUCKING good time. Dustin and Barbara were drop dead funny. Ben Stiller was his old self. My only gripe is they cast some sort of demonic baby robot that reeeeeally made me uncomfortable. It's like, Look Who's Talking already called dibs on breast feeding jokes. There has to be another way.

Final Word: Meet the Pretty Funny Sequel

Charles Nelson Reilly Says:

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No movies today. I had a lovely Christmas lunch at my friend Annie's Aunt and Uncle's house. Her uncle's name is Dick Gay. I kid you not. Had to post it. Great family - If the Gay's are reading, hello and thanks! Here's a pic of my and my CFF (Close Friend Forever) Annie:

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A Giant Robot and a Girl in a Brown T-Shirt.


The Life Aquatic w/ S. Zissou, 5:00 p.m.

Let it be known that Rushmore is one of my top films of all time. Royal Tennies is in the top hundies.

The Life Aquatic, on the other hand, was one of the most muddled, clumsy, pointless, blandly acted films I've seen in a long time. Look, Bill Murray's "Sad Sack" character is winning, but it comes so naturally to him, and it's been done before. It really gets me that people just automatically tag him as a genius in Zissou. It looked like he was sleepwalking through it. And Owen? You're sweet, even if the gossip rags say you're a sleazebag with fried hair. But, cherished darling, you cannot do a Southern accent for your life, so da-rop it. Hey Wes? Where's Luke Wilson this time? My sight has got a sweet tooth, and I need some eye candy. Work on that.

Highlight of the film: JEFF GOLDBLUM!!! Can the guy do any wrong? Not only is he hilarious, he's also approx. 6 foot 8, 73 years old, and buff as shit. He makes Jack LaLane look like Jack LaBikePath! Now do you see why this will be my last movie roundup?

Final Word: Take My Life Aquatic, Please.

Charles Nelson Reilly Says:

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And to all you Jeff Goldblum fans, here's a picture (snapped by a hounding friend of mine, I'm so above that ;) of him in the stands of the Giants-Steelers game from last Sunday. He looks concerned. Jeffy, if you need to talk it out, call me. (Click for large version.)

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Thursday, December 23, 2004

My Swamped Ass

I have a couple of ditties lined up for posting later on tonight, but until then, I will "Liev" you with a certain thought, a certain memory of a certain dream I recently had, that has been really getting me through my day. Vague? Yes. But trust me. I can't get into anymore details without this post turning into a capital NSFW! LOL! ROTFL! sigh. brb. (footsteps running away.)

As a sidenote, if you haven't seen him in The Daytrippers, go out and rent it this weekend.

Give a Dog a Clone

As many of my long term readers may remember, a couple of months ago I harbored a minor obsession with a company called Genetic Savings & Clone, and their CEO (or Cloning Extra-Ordinaire) Lou Hawthorne. Then, I went to the NYC Cat!Show and had second thoughts about spending my life travelling amongst a group of devotees who make drug-addled carnies look like your local Starbucks Barrista. I.e., these people were fucking nuts, and I just slowly backed away and moved on to greater things. Although I will say that the Genetic Savings people were extremely nice and helpful, and even sent me a free t-shirt! (Which, when I clone myself two sizes smaller, will look great.)

But check it out!!! They have successfully cloned someone's housepet!

Aww! His name is Little Nicky, which is cute, cause it's kind of like a little devil cat, which I'm sure a lot of people in the Bible belt would argue for anyway... Speaking of which, hilarity:

(This is another example of me thinking I've come up with a genius plan, i.e. "Bible Belts", only to discover I'm too late. Don't even bring up last week when I thought that "Tequila Mockingbird" was the most genius thing/name/bar I had ever invented, only to have a friend Google search it and slap me across the face with 89,900 results. I wanted Tequila Myself.)

Back to the clones, here's a picture of a woman with way too much money on her hands, holding her $50,000 cat. And no it's not a Jaguar. Or a Bengal tiger for that matter. And really, for $50,000, you think they could've cloned a natural cat smile onto his face instead of this permanent shitting the litter box expression the Lil' Nikolai seems to be wearing:

In related news, here's a picture of a cat in a shelter. I won't post it directly here, cause it's depressing, and hey! It's almost Christmas! And it's a damn cat behind kitty bars, serving jailtime for the simple crime of being born.

Anyway, here's hoping Little Nicky is a bigger success than the Sandler bomb of the same name, and a touch less retarded than Sandler himself.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

We All Scream for Generosity

Tom Cruise: When he's not making awful, mediocre to highly-enjoyable films or defending his entire drop-dead gorgeous/bat-shit crazy belief system, he's whipping Goodfella-like wads of cash out of his wallet and donating it to Go-Kart victims. Actually, 100 $50 bills (literally taken out of his wallet... who totes around a hundred $50's anyway? Oh... oh, I see.)

Cruise entered an ice cream shop in Virginia, where he's filming Speilberg's War of the Worlds, and saw a sign on a jar asking people to donate money to a little girl who got pretty effed up when her Go-Kart flipped over. (Which amazes me, as my parents used to ALWAYS warn me about those lil' danger-mobiles, and I never took note. Speaking of which, stay tuned for me in the upcoming videogame Halo 3.) Good thing it wasn't fellow Scientologist and new Jenny Craig spokeswoman (seriously) Kirstie Alley, cause you know sister would've spent ALL the cash on Hulk Pops.

"It's the next best thing after a real man." --Kirstie Alley

All in all, a real heartwarmer of a tale. It's hard to make fun of Tommy when: 1. This really does seem to be a selfless, generous act, and 2. His Google Image Search produces these kind of results, which are Not Safe For Work (esp. if you work with these guys.)

Artificial and Borderline Autistic Intelligence

How I ran as a kid, and how I still run today.

Also, how I dance.

On second thought, one of my many nicknames as a child was ASIMO...

Pardon me just a second, I gotta go buzz Denzel, Manchurian Candidate Style.

Girl, I know you just didn't buzz me. I am bizzay, Ms. Ladyfriend, you need to wait! Yes, I understand, you think you're a robot, I get it, WE ALL GET IT, now can I please go? (mouth smack) No, I ain't gonna come over there and bite the chip outchore back! Damn!

Must See Related: The Tard Blog

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Christ-mass Produced


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"Stop with all the buying already!"

No matter -- nothing's gonna ruin my excitement about his upcoming stint on "Pope and Faith."

Thursday, December 16, 2004

The Westminster Blog Show

The always reliably entertaining Screenhead really delivers today, with a hi-Larry-Appleton-us website called Savemouse, a blog hammered out by a neurotic, coked-up dog. It's written in a doggie-style language that will have you pulling your retarded person decoder ring out of the pantry (if you don't have one, click here), but the pictures alone make a quick stop worth your time.

Help Me Decide America

Happy Holidays everyone. You may have wondered why my posting has been so weak/non-existent today. The thing is, it's Christmas, aka "bonus season." So I have a little extra cash (really, not that much extra) and of course my flank is on fire from the hole its burning in my pockets.

So now the real question is: What do I do with this money? And it's been boiled down to two things: 1. A phatty boombalatty mp3 player; or 2. A trip somewhere.

Now, I don't plan on getting an Ipod, because I have issues with the battery not being replaceable. I was thinking along the lines of Iriver. And as far as my trip goes, I'm hoping for Budapest, although that would definitely require a little fundraising on my part.

So what's the right answer here?!?!?! I need your help. Please speak up in the comments section with your opinions. I mean travelling is fun, but so fleeting. I'm leaning toward mp3. Or I could just always get an abortion for that unwanted "baby" I'm carrying. Whichevs. I'll worry about "it" later.

Thanks friends.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Yet More Cheery Holiday News from CNN...

Holiday Prediction: More Drivers, More Deadly Crashes

Now, is that a holiday prediction, or just a logical one? That's like saying "Holiday Prediction: Increase in Travel means Airports More Crowded."

In any case, thanks CNN. I'll try not to die before New Year's.

Related: If You're Bad, Santa Leaves You a Lump of Cancer

You Twin Some, You Birth Some

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Chill Inducing.

Twin Sisters Deliver Twins on the Very Same Day

Number the Stars

Bar Code Art

Also included on this site: Other materialistic and consumer-driven faces, such as Bill Gates, Oprah and Jesus.

And about that headache you probably have right about now: Don't mention it.

Amazing Spousal Abuse 6

Oh Lawd, Lawd, LAWD! Did you catch The Amazing Race last night? Well, if not, let me update you: Typical race stuff, Senegal, slavery, savory sausage making, you get the idea. And, of course, spousal abuse. Wai - whaaaa?

Jonathan and Victoria. The two craziest looking slash acting people I've ever laid eyes on, well, after another famously ugly/abusive couple. Hey, now that I think about it, check out the resemblance!

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At the end of last night's episode, after a serious meltdown on Victoria's behalf, he hit her. Some say shoved, some say pushed, some say he hit her body, others say her backpack. Either way, what the fuck was CBS thinking when they chose these people, and why aren't they being thrown the fuck off?! Maybe their next "Detour" should involve climbing up a mountain in Tibet to have couple's therapy with some cross-legged guru:

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Crazy Like a Bikerfox

Bikerfox. Please, for the love of God, check this guy out.

BIKERFOX [via Lindsayism]

He's a biker, he's an actor, sometime model... and something tells me full time Orthodox Jew/granola maker.

Monday, December 13, 2004

If You're Bad, Santa Leaves You a Lump of Cancer would like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

But sleep with one eye open, you little prick.

Study: Christmas Deadliest Day for Americans [via CNN]

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Food Vibrations

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You know that feeling where you get more than what you paid for? I think it's what the experts call "feeling fantastic." Well, I just went to Dunkin Donuts to get a 72 oz. coffee, because I am a shadow of my own self, completely wiped with exhaustion. You might recognize me if you work in lower Manhattan: I'm the glassy eyed girl vaguely resembling/walking like Treebeard from Lord of the Rings.

So forgive me if this post rambles. I go to D&D (Genius Idea Alert! Anyone want to open up a store called "Dungeons and Donuts"? It'll be a theme restuarant where, get this... a Dragon, ok? Serves you donuts.) to buy one of their trademarked bucket of coffees. Now this Dunkin Donuts, I should add, isn't even its own store. It's like part of an Arby's. So you need to average in the customer service you normally expect from Dunkin with that of an Arby's, and you'll understand why I was doubly please. Did I mention I'm exhausted?

SO! The woman behind the counter pours a little cream (like I ask her to) into a giant cup and goes for the Hazelnut coffee, which I'll address later on. She pours practically an ENTIRE coffee pot full of liquid in the cup, looks at it, and pours it into the sink. She tries again, pouring me another bucket's worth, then right back in the sink. She tells me "There's something wrong with the cream, do you want milk?" I say "Sure, that's fine." Finally, I get my 36 oz cup. But don't you get it! I practically got 100 oz's of coffee for a dollar!!!

IT GETS BETTER. I normally never indulge like this, but I also got two Munchkins, the small donut holes that give you a little flavor but not all the grease of one big donut. And the girl... she gave me 3! But I only paid for 2! What. A. Day.

Never mind that the coffee is completely undrinkable. It's almost sour. Maybe when they say "Hazelnut", they literally mean there's some guy named Hazel steeping his LeBallsac in some boiling water "backstage." Game Set Match: I probably won't be going back there. But what a way to say goodbye, no?

In other food news: So a few friends and I threw a holiday party on Friday night, and it was a big success. Sure, the people were fun, and there were drinks and merriment and spectacular magic Star of David 3-D glasses...

But what I like to think made the party a success were the Dr. Praeger's Potato Pancakes that I baked/force-fed to people. Now, I don't know who this Dr. Praeger fella is, but if the man spent 10 years in medical school and ended up going into the latke-making business anyway, well, friends, this has to be one mean-ass pancake. Any of the party people in the house want to back me up on this?

And Finally...

Check out TVGasm for my 400 page recap of Desperate Housewives this week. What a show!

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UPDATE: I just reread this post, and realize it's 98 percent incoherent. So, to make up for it, here's a Japanese Lap Pillow.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Do's and Don'ts of 2004

1. DO have a food taster handy if you find yourself eating in a Ukrainian Restaurant.

From George Clooney to Mickey Rooney.

2. DON'T go to Sephora with time to kill before an event. I recently made this mistake, and between my greediness and the makeup free-for-all, I basically gilded my face in glitter, gloss and low self-esteem.

No, that's not me, asshole, but you get the idea...

3. DO have an unhealthy obsession with Google Image Search, which will pull up gems like this picture of a clown painted on a cat's asshole:

4. DON'T drink on an empty stomach. It has occurred to me that I should never get drunk around strangers... what my friends might find "endearing" (endearing like a retarded ape in highwater pants), others find "intimidating" or "borderline psychotic" or "chatty".

No one likes a chatty gal.

5. DO nab a spot aboard the Space Station in order to reach goal weight before 2005.

Awkward laughter: "I'm astro-not really hungry right now."

6. DON'T tell your ignorant, hateful, immigrant Grandparents that you're working on a "side project" that is, in any way at all, related to the word "sex".

"Hahahaha... we're cutting you out of the will"*

*(Note, not my actual grandparents.)

7. DO hire an Estate Attorney.

8. DON'T highlight your hair the night before your birthday using any product with the word "natural" or "essence" in the title because you think you need some extra flair. It will cost you $200, a day off of work and a coupla handfuls of bleached hair. And honey, you got flair to spare!

I hear you on that one, friend.

9. DO buy a Mr. T Pez dispenser.

"I pity the fool who don't take a delicious candy out of my dispenser!"

10. DO send the Pope my regards.

11. DO install a "revolving man-door".

12. DON'T make long, tedious lists as a way to kill time at work.

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