Blogger's Block: 5 Easy Ways to Inspire a Post
"What to write? What... to... write... whattowrite?"
As my regulars may have noted, yesterday was an unusual no-posting day for Ms. Michelle. The reason is a rare but all-to-common disorder that I'm dubbing Blogger's Block (clever, I know). Believe it or not, it's hard to come up with relevant, humorous kit and kaboodles 5 days a week, especially when your only paycheck is a couple of hate mails and knowing that you're a single Google search away from getting fired. As the title would have you guessing, sometimes you just can't make it up.
But if this blog is a labor of love, then I consider each post a shiny, newborn miracle of God, and the archives like a showcase wall of jar-encased placentas. And while sometimes labor can be long and painful, other times I just find ideas being shat out of me like a litter of kittens.
This morning, nary an idea in mind, it hit me: Why not write a post about how I inspire myself to write? The double purpose is genius: it will give you lazy people something to read and me something to do. So here you have it: Five Easy Inspirations for a Blog Posting... and cue Karate Kid music... and here we go:
By far the most obvious inspiration. In my case, blogging is to me what thrice-an-hour, 5-minute Virginia Slims breaks are to my co-workers: essential for relieving stress. Some of you may be happy at your jobs, and for that I congratulate you. I, on the other hand, am treated like a slave, and my work here is taken for granted. I am also the only employee under 56 years old (and, yet, still not the fastest runner!) But here on the blog, we're all friends! And sharing work tales from the dark-side is tops on my list!
For example: (and this is absolutely true): Last Friday afternoon, post-5 p.m., I was in the bathroom applying my "stage face"...
... my boss enters the bathroom, frowning as per yoozh (in fact, the only expression I can easily recognize on this woman is her trademarked dirty look), and goes into the handicapped stall. (I know, I know). From the stall, a voice: "You performing tonight?" "Yes." I responded meekly. The response of someone who's been beaten down into submission, surely. "Where?" "Oh, just some little theater in the Village."
Then, a question for the ages, the italics indicating a sharp rise in the pitch of her voice, and (need I remind you) asked from the toilet: Michelle, what's your ULTimate goal?
Michelle: Well... I'm not...
Boss: Hold on! Hold on!
Ladies and Gentlemen: The toilet flushes.
And before you even go there, why don't you ask the gaping soul cavity in my chest if it think I made this up or not, and maybe you'll have your answer.
The point is, soul cavity or not, the anger/joy of your workplace can no doubt inspire you to sharpen those blogging fingers and get to-a postin'.
Second on my list of inspirations are animals. Not much to say here, but much to see indeed:
Google provides an unlimited venue for inspiration. Google image search, in particular, is the bane of my existence. Making sure your work-safe filter is on, plug any word into the Google search field, and golden coins of comedy will begin spewing from Google's generous mouth. Take, for example, GI-searching kittens", which will give you this result, and the inspired caption that follows:
Gerald had finally done it! He's proven what scientists have struggled to understand for years. If you try hard enough, you can, in fact, see your own brain.
Here's another one:
See? See how inspiring that was? Or this picture:
I wish I was dead.
This one is not used by me personally, but I've seen many other blogs fueled by depression. Take Rosie O'Donnell, for instance. (Please!)
5. Weird News Stories
CNN.com and Yahoo both have Odd or Weird News stories. When all else fails, and you can't reach your true inner voice, posting some of these articles will keep your readers coming back for more. For example:
Police Seize Viagra-Fueled Horses
See, funny on many levels. First, because horses have huge shlongs, so laced with viagra, they are literally dragging their "peckers" through the dirt. Second, why would a horse be on Viagra? Is Sting in town? All questions that can be answered with a well-informed blog posting.
But before you get too "cocky" with your weird news, make sure you check all your sources. For example, recently a fan e-mailed me this story, an alleged BBC News article entitled "Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight".
Now naturally, my scalp tingled with a Head & Shoulders like anticipation. "This is gonna be great!" I mouthed to myself from the flourescent-lit death box I work from. Yet it seemed too good to be true. Sure enough - a hoax. The story isn't real. Although, I'd bet there are some midgets in Cambodia sleeping with one adorably small eye open tonight.
I hope that my suggestions help in the long run, my little cockapoos! In the meantime, my work here is done... unless I am so moved by anger a little later today that I decide to post my opinions of Britney and Kevin's reality show "Chaotic"... Unless. Oodles of Toodles!