Tuesday, October 04, 2005

An Offer You May Choose To Refuse At No Consequence To Yourself Or To Your Family

For the past week or so, I've had an unbearably painful and loud cough. It was really more of a hack, where you could hear the hollow insides of my strained lungs. It made for great fun at work, where me and the 120-year-old secretary across the office would practically communicate via coughing: 1 cough for "fuck off", 2 for "please die already" and 3 for "actually, it is I who is dying." This weekend, it was so bad that I remained in bed, swearing to consume no less than 10,000 calories while expending none whatsoever. Then, late Saturday night, it hit me: This coughing may be the first sign of the rabies virus. Sure enough, a Google search later, and my fears were confirmed: my coughing was probably not a result of my recent smoking ban, rather the rare and deadly disease RABIES. I squirmed. Out of nowhere, my brain throbbed. "That's the encephalitis" my conscience reassured me. "No biggie, its probbies your brain swelling" it continued. "Better call your 'rents and wish em' 'Laterz!'" Not only was I rabid, but apparently my conscience subscribed to Sassy Magazine.

If I were alive during the Civil War, my title would no doubt have been "General Malaise".

My "rents" were not so reassuring. I managed to catch 3 hours of shut-eye, woke up early in the AM on Sunday, and went in for my rabies shots.

The story is highly entertaining, and may or may not involve some soft-core nudity on my part. (Laguna Beach is soft-core, right?) But rather than blow my wad on this blog that pays me nothing (notice the Google Ads at the top? In 4 days I've earned six cents! i.e. six pennies, or 3 "tuppins". 4,892 years from now, and it's dinner on ME people), I'd like to make an offer to any prospective book publishers and/or newspaper/magazine people-thingies.... (editors?) It's first come, first serve to get your hands on my exclusive rabies ordeal! Limited time offer, as I may or may not still drop dead in a matter of weeks! Think of how HOT the story will be then!! If interested, e-mail me at igivehandjobsforcrack@yahoo.com. It's 100 percent real, I kid you not. I was sure Alfonso Rivera would have had dibs on it, but alas, I secured it in the nick of time.

Finally, catch me live and in person at St. Luke's Emergency Room on my upcoming tour called "Muppet Rabies", on these dates:

Rabies Have Never Been So Adorable!!

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