Thursday, September 29, 2005

New Yorkers, I Need Your Help

About two weeks ago, I was bitten in the "batty crease" by a practically stray dog on the corner of Sullivan and Houston. The grip of his jaw was mighty but swift, and he managed to leave a good 2 inch long gash along with an aura of bruise around it, thus ruining my future career as an ass model.

As I may have mentioned, the "homeless artist who resembled Lou Reed and lived in a van" flipped when I told him I called the police, untied his dogs, and took off running. He eventually came back with his "license" and "dog's papers" (fish story if I've ever smelled one), and the officers assured me everything would be OK.

Now, I won't know if my central nervous system is shutting down for another 3 days - 5 years, hence I'm living every day like it's my last. So in between hour long marathons of unprotected sex and snorting heroing off the sharp end of rusty nail, I've also been doing a lot of thinking.... about that dog... That dog, that got away with battery, living the swanky life somewhere in what I'm guessing is a pretty sweet van in Soho. If it was a van in, say, the Upper East Side, revenge would not be necessary as that dog would already be living my nightmare.

I thought any attempts at locating him would be futile, as the police refuse to return my calls, even to say thank you for the pot of jam I sent over.

However, after some crafty internet scrounging... I was able to locate a picture of said canine. Don't ask how, don't ask where, just answer me this: DO YOU KNOW THIS DOG? I must find him -- we have some talking to do.

Don't let his sweet demeanor fool you.

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