Friday, August 20, 2004

Michelle's Olympic Round-Up 3

I've really started getting into my Round-Ups. I took notes yesterday while watching. Then took out my "To-Do" scroll and added No. 1436: Get a Life. Hey, you know what they say, don't dish it if you can't take it.

1. Carly Patterson: Breaking a Svetlana

Carly Patterson -- a petite blend of muscles, spunk and a very poor grasp of the, like, English language. She made history yesterday, becoming the first woman since Mary Lou Retton to win the All-Around Gymnastics Gold. While I confess that I did break out a tear or two following her win, I just can't help but feel a little short changed. She was technically perfect, but she failed to move me during any of her routines. There was little elegance, little grace. She was like a speeding bullet. For me, it was missing something.

The Silver medalist on the other hand, Russia's Svetlana Khorkina, is truly a piece of work. She's a steely cold bitch, a lean, mean tumbling machine. Taller then her competitors, more world weary, devoid of any perkiness whatsoever, I was crushed when she lost yesterday.

NBC's mini-bio of Khorkina was genius. It began describing a totally bullshit situation at the 2000 Sydney Olympics, where it was discovered, after her two horrendous vaults, that the vault she sprung off of was not at regulation height. A primped Svetlana looked into the camera and said "I want to win the Gold as much as I want to mother a child." The irony is she clearly won't be able to birth a child due to zero percent body fat, and the Gold is forever gone. Poor Svetlana! Maybe she can learn to accept the Silver like an adopted child from a crack-addicted mother.

One possible reason for her loss... her music selection during the floor exercise. If you're having trouble remembering it, let me help you out: Picture yourself stuck in an elevator in Moscow, then being beaten to death with a hammer and a sickle. That's muzaktly what it was like.

I have to give it to Carly though. Her podium performance was one of the best yet, mouthing almost all the words to our National Anthem. Really and truly, thank you.

2. Aaron Peirsol's Gold Medal Debaucle

Following Piersol's win in the 200M Backstroke, an anti-American bastard of a judge tried his best to disqualify Aaron following a completely legitimate underwater turn.

The DQ was overturned. Apparently, the judge was supposed to file his complaint in English but didn't. His complaint was stated as follows: Achtung! Suchen nur nacht ergebnissen auf lochen de Deutschland! (Don't try translating, it's nonsense. It's primary purpose is to make fun of the Germans and how unforgiving and strict they are.) It's just a shame that some crazy asshole had to overshadow such a tremendous feat.

3. Aaron Peirsol's Visible Ass Crack

Oh, Dear God, thank you.

4. Ostriches

True, not involved in the Olympics, per se. (See above pic.)

But please check out the pics on this website, and specifically THIS ONE. Oh, and also see this.

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