Thursday, October 28, 2004

Sick as a Blog

Good morning, all you fresh faced readers out there.

I write to you from the foyer beyond death's door, where I have taken residence for the past couple of days to overcome the latest illness to invade New York (besides hubris and necrophilia, or so they tell me.)

So while I catch up with my work, take a look at what I consider to be my greatest achievement to date: My Gothamist Interview. (This may be circular linkage for many of you. If so, catch up with the many weeks of hilarity missed on this blog in my archives. Or check me out at my brother's Bar Mitzvah, dancing with his mildly excited friend, Teddy Rosenblatt.)

Stay Sweet and KIT,

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Thursday's Show = Secret Sale

Those of you interested in purchasing tickets to the reading I'm doing on Thursday night, here's a special code you should enter on checkout that will lower the admission from $15 to $10: BUY SMARTTIX HERE. USE CODE: ARSCHK FOR REDUCED PRICE ($10).

CHICKENSCRATCH: A Pre-Election Reading, a night of election-related readings hosted by everyone's favorite Gavel Face, Chelsea Peretti. I'll be there talking about, along with special guests: Allison Silverman (Conan), Jonah Peretti (, Eugene Mirman (just click his name), Romesh Ratnesar (TIME mag), and music by Shonali Bhowmik. ARS NOVA (511 W. 54th St.), October 28th at 10 pm.

Monday, October 25, 2004

i need to lighten up.

Now, you're Monday Morning 'Sup-date:

- My Genius Crown Has Been Stolen!: By a 17 year old, perfect SAT scoring, crossword wrangling KID. He finishes NY Times crossword puzzles in under 4 minutes. That's funny, cause I can impound his face in less than 3.

- Shaun of the Dead: Loved it!! Here's a pic of me and friend Chelsea pre-show. No, that's not a snaggle-tooth, it's gum. Team America: Love the South Park guys, expected more from this puppet farce. Sneak into the first 5 mins, go home, watch the Brook Ellison story, and just cry for once, you hardened animal you.

- Steed All About It: A horse known as the "Running Reverend" has been baptized in South Africa to ensure a successful racing season. By the looks of it, he seems thrilled:

On second thought, is that Ol Dirty Bastard?

- Pony Express: In more horse related news, a Dutch man was arrest for cramming his Shetland pony into the back of his hatchback. And get this, he was taking his pony to Germany. Hey pony!! When they offer you the "soap" for your "shower", don't take it.

- Check out this short movie made by friends of mine, playing off of a slip of W's tongue in the last debate: McSteak.

- In a final bout of horse news: Schwarzenegger Shows Eco-Friendly Hummer. I think we all know what he's getting at here, eh, Maria Shrives?

- I want to open up a Dermatology Clinic called Pock N' Mole. That's all for today class. Now, to down a bottle of Pamprin and whiskey and call it a life.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Goo-hoo-hood Morning Everyone!

Thanks for bearing with my lack of blogging through this difficult week. Between my rowdy New Orleans trip, work and Votergasm related duties, (not to mention my nightly BoSox injections...) I've had to resort to taking in my sugar highs the old-fashioned way:

If ya'll happened to miss my appearance on The Al Franken Show yesterday, check it out here. You can thank that buttery smooth voice of mine to a reader's suggestion of drinking "Throat Coat" tea. Apprently it not only coats the throat, it also bloats the face. Or was that the 14 pounds of Saag Paneer I had before bedtime yesterday? C'est la vie.

But enough throat gloating! How. are. you?

We have a lot of stuff to catch up on...

- An "ancient" fungus has been discovered in a lab in India. If these scientists really wanna break new fungal ground, I'll Fed Ex my 2 year old Nike Rift's (worn at all times sockless) to their little Indian Stink Tank.

- Culinary De-fright: Guinea Pig on a Stick.

A young girl prepares to eat her pet, Squirmy.

- Sarcastic Quotes Alert: A "man" trying to "shoot" a "mouse", """accidentally""" shoots his "girlfriend." To confuse matters further, here's his girlfriend:

- CAN YOU JEER ME NOW? Charges have been dropped against a woman sued for speaking too loudly on her cell phone. Now here's where I empathize. I have a phone made of rubber bands and a battery I bought from a retarded Chinese person on the subway. You can often hear me screaming in aisle 7 of my local D'Agastino's (i.e. Faggy Chinos): "What?!?! No! Not ladder injection! BLADDER INFECTION! I HAVE. a. BLADDER INFECTION!" Now if that's a crime, lock me up and throw away the cranber-key. (Lord, I'm tired.)

- Check out this story of a man I'm officially deeming "My Idol": He received some junk mail with a "bogus" check for $95,000, deposited it in his bank account, and got away with it! At least, he almost did.

- A Hong Kongian man charged with drug possession showed up in COURT with a t-shirt that said COCAINE on it. What a genius idea. I've got CafePress working round the clock on a Scott Peterson t-shirt with the slogan "Wife Killer" splayed across it. I woulda said O.J., but that's so "Crime of LAST Century."

- Martha Stewart learns the ins and outs of microwave cooking, as well as prison vagina.

Martha Stewart and Some Random Pussy

- Headline of the Spay: "Fat Men - Poor Sperm." Other possible lead-ins.. "Brother, Can You Sperm a Dime?", and "The Obese: Can't Make Babies With Em, Can't Make Idiotic Fat Jokes Without Em'".

- Knife and Pork: Those wacky Muslims are at it again! Using machetes to slaughter pigs this time.

Piggie Smalls: But ees so cuuute! And (swallow)... delicious looking.

- Finally, the most hilarious gigantic fish picture I've ever laid eyes on. Anyone up for "Weekend at Bernie's III: Fish Outta Luck"?

Leave comments!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Upcoming Show

Another short announcement:

I'll be performing at CHICKENSCRATCH: A Pre-Election Reading, a night of election-related readings hosted by everyone's favorite Gavel Face, Chelsea Peretti. I'll be there talking about, along with special guests: Allison Silverman (Conan), Jonah Peretti (, Eugene Mirman, Romesh Ratnesar (TIME mag), and music by Shonali Bhowmik. ARS NOVA (511 W. 54th St.), October 28th at 10 pm.

In addish, I'll be appearing on The Al Franken Show on Air America Radio this Thursday at 1:30 p.m. Really looking forward to this, only one problem... my voice is shot! Any tips on how I can get it back to working order before Thursday? Is that enough time?! Should I overnight a Stephen Hawking talkbox to my office?

Fitter, Happier, More Productively Yours,

The Voo Doo Music Fest 2004

My weekend can be easily described in three delicate words that I truly believe will unravel my universe:


And he was nice! The good news is, I was so shitfaced I didn't even realize I was joking around with SLASH until after he departed. Even better!

There were tons of other bandie/musicy people there (industry speak, sorry), and while I respected many of them, have their CD's blah blah blah, I don't think I've ever been as starstruck in mine wholen lifen.

More to follow, just had to get this off my chest.

Friday, October 15, 2004

T Minus 3

T minus 3 hours until I have to wake up, pack and make my 7 am flight to New Orleans for the Voo Doo Music Festival. Why do I post at this late an hour, you ask?

Because, folks, it occurred to me that I have yet to bring up the Bill O'Reilly scandale. And rather than talk about how I've read the Complaint roughly 15 times, then smoothly about 4 times, and rather than rehash how pleased I was that this man was being humiliated, then really thought it over with the whole phone sex/vibrator/O'Reilly thing and stopped laughing, rather than all those things... I bring you this: A definition of FALAPHILIA. Any website that includes the word "Hummulingus" is automatically entered into my speedsmile. And yes, the fan mail DOES mention Baba GaDouche. A banner day for this blog, friends.

While I'm at it, I might as well bring up the funniest website I've ever laid eyes upon:

You see, I've never, ever been a Disney fan (save a Pluto Beta Max tape I had when I was 4, my ONLY tape mind you). But my friend Julia Langbein recently plugged her last name into Google Image search, and this is what she found:

It turns out "Langbein" is Norwegian for "Goofy" (all the more appropriate if you know Ms. Langbein, who may ring a bell as the salmon eating Finn drinking gimlets in the East Village with her tatas blowin in the breeze... moving on.)

This picture led us to do some further research, weeks and weeks of mind-numbing research. Then, today, we discovered this site: A List of Disney Character Names in Different Languages.

The best of the bunch usually involve Huey, Dewey and Louie: Kwik, Kwek, en Kwak; Tupu, Hupu ja Lupu; Hugo, Paco y Luis; Tupsi, Hupsi ja Lupsi ; and Knatte, Fnatte och Tjatte being our favorites.

But delving deeper, it became obvious that we knew jack shit about Disney characters. For example, have you ever heard of a Disney character named Gyro Gearloose? You have? Then you must be this guy.

You see, apparently there's a whole Disney Duckworld world out there going unnoticed in the States. Well, no longer I say! End of story, the two of us were crying "hot hot tears" in our cold, dead offices. I hope to bring the same joy to you.

K I NOW OFFICIALLY HAVE TO GET TO BED! I'll be in Norleans til Monday, so no bloggaroo til toosday. I'll tell Cypress Hill hi from all you guys ;)

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Blind Ambition

Blind People. Can't live with 'em. But they can't see you anyhow.

This season, blind people are all the rage. It's the Official Disability of 2004. And I can see why - they've got a lot to overcome!

S.O.S. (Sans Ocular Strength)

Today's newspapers are chock full of blind items... and not the kinds that involve anal sex with Matt LeBlanc. A blind couple in Washington is breaking various idiot barriers by embarking on a worldwide sailing adventure. A blind sailing adventure!

Here's an idea: Their handlers, or whoever grooms and feeds these people, should put them in a boat, put that boat in a pool, invest in a wave machine and comically oversized fan, sit back, and have a time seeing every aspect of this sailing adventure LIVE! Where is the Fox channel when you most need them? C'Mon, like you wouldn't watch it.

But this season, blind ambition is not limited to the sea... blind people will be flying airplanes too! A blind Australian man plans on flying the width and breadth of Queensland to raise money for blind children. I guess "making phone calls" and relying on the goodness of people's hearts wasn't X-TREME enough for this blind pilot. What's next: A deaf man composing entire symphonies?!?

Here's a guy who should be blinded for being shockingly fucked up in the membrane.

Blind people are also on the shortlist of Minorities Who Run The Media.

On this season of America's Next Top Model, Miss Tyra Banks has really shed some light on the difficulties of being blind AND having an eating disorder. Amanda, a contestant who tearfully spilled the blind beans at the end of episode one to her fellow contestants (following an awkward face feeling moment: Contestant 1: What are you doing? AMANDA:(casually feeling her face): Oh, sorry, you have a little food on your cheek. Contestant 1: (scoffing) That's impossible. AMANDA:(has nervous blind breakdown).

The good news is, models thankfully have a good sense of humor. Check out this "makeover" that they bestowed upon blind Amanda.

I said "I'm a pretty BLIND girl, not BLONDE girl," morons!

Blind people aren't just hot models -- they can also make for some creative fashion designers. Check out these Grass Shoes seen in Milan. Smoking grass is said to releave the pains of Glaucoma and other sight-related maladies.

And what about this Braille Jewelery? Unsarcastically, I like it!

Ray of Light

Think this post is too long? Well it just. got. longer!

Coming to the big screen this fall is a movie chock full of so much Oscar buzz, I just got stung! Ray, the story about recently deceased blind man Ray Charles, stars Jamie Foxx as America's most loveable pianist. (Right after Elliot Gould, clearly.) I'm filled with antsy-sensation -- I'll be there opening night.

How about creating a twisted double-blind experiment of sorts, and asking this Blind Movie Critic (or BMC) what he thought of the movie? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 2 o'clock meeting at the Gates of the Underworld with the Lord of All Darkness.

Last blind item is more of a suggestion, really, to catch the Strangers with Candy episode Behind Blank Eyes, where Jerri learns what its like to be blind, replete with a monkey drowning a goose. Rather than asking for more details, just rent/buy the DVD. It's possibly the only thing in my collection I've viewed multiple times (along with Zoolander outtakes and a very special episode of Mr. Ed where he learns the meaning of friendship.)

And because you've made it through my analysis of how def blind people are, I give you this picture of some seeing-eye dogs.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Tails from the Cat Show

The Cat Fancier's Association really outdid themselves this year with the "Cat!Show" (the way it is spelled in their Pam!phlets). Lots to report.

My friend Atara and I rolled up to Madison Square Garden, and were instantly gratified. There were people protesting Iams Cat Food, holding signs proclaiming that "10 Out of 10 Cats Prefer Not To Be Tortured." I don't know about that... this little guy looks pretty stoked:

Back to the protest. Next to the picketers was a woman sitting in a cage, wearing a striped jail uniform and a paper cat mask. The thing was... these guys were hilarious! No one was taking these "angry protestors" seriously, evident in this pic, where a complete stranger began laughing his ass off. (Click on pics to enlarge)

And all of a sudden, here we were! The place we had dreamed of all week! A huuuuuuuuuge line full of fucking maniacs!

Within 15 minutes, my entire neck broke out into fever blisters. Fever blisters of anticipation! After about 30 minutes of mullet-watching, we made it past the guards. Not sure if you were aware, but the Cat!Show has a very tight door policy. First, you gotta show a little skin in order to get past the intimidating, no nonsense bouncers.

One trend immediately noticeable about these Cat Show people was that they LOVE their Bedazzlers. You would think, in a metropolitan city like New York, the Cat Show would be full of fairly sophisticated cat lovers who find these kinds of shows so novel, so quaintly country. Sadly, this was not the case. The majority of people there were wild old single women who cradled their cats like Elijah the Profit with your first born.

Although that's unfair. There were men there too.

So! We enter the Garden and I am completely flabbergasted. There must have been a million people there! All the cats were in their cages, lined up in aisles like at the supermarket, which theoretically you were supposed to walk down and view the cats. But this was impossible with the amount of people there. We walked down one aisle, and were so overwhelmed by the over-the-top outfits and stench of cat urine, we nearly booted all over a prize-winning persian. But alas, I did manage to snap this adorable picture of three white cats all sleeping on top of one another.

But wait a minute... what's this? There, in the back? Could it be...

THE DEVIL? Right here at the NYC Cat!Show! Who knew!!

The perimeter of the room was where the judging was taking place. It was a very cold atmosphere, made all the colder by this group of people who were, no joke, staring at a ROW OF EMPTY CAGES! It was magical.

We made our way to the back of the room... and... could it be! There he is! Mr. Lou Hawthorne, CEO of Genetic Savings & Clone! He was on stage, giving a speech to about 30 drooling corpses, discussing the benefits of his corporation. Let me say, simply, the buzz wore off quick. My joy soon turned into sympathy. This poor guy! Here he is, breaking all kinds of scientific barriers and CLONING HOUSE PETS! And where is he! At the f.u.c.k.i.n.g. c.a.t.!.s.h.o.w. talking to people who were very likely mentally ill (and yes, the neon sign of a huge flashing arrow is pointing to me as I write this). Here is a crappy picture of Lou speaking. It was at least as depressing as it looks.

After 10 minutes or so, we HAD to peace out, I couldn't take it anymore. And what a good move that was! Because, ladies and gentlemen, I met the Meow Mix Mascot!! Take a look at this picture, and (as Chelsea generously pointed out) try to figure out which one is made of plastic:

Note: The manic-panic in both of our faces.

I tried to sympathize with the poor man/woman inside the costume, saying "Oh, you poor thing. You poor poor thing!", which I think is charming, but he/she probably didn't like to hear. It didn't help when I draped my arm around this gigantic cat, only to feel that the head of this mascot was PURRING. So, not only did this poor soul have to be in a hot, huge cat costume, it was also a vibrating cat costume. Which, on second thought, is probably not so bad.

But we were still on a mission. We had seen the CEO of Savings & Clone, but now, to the cloned kittens! Seriously, we had only been in that main room for like 20 minutes until the two of us were like "We have to go. Right now."

Now is the point in the story when we hit what I like to call THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY. The Highlight of the Day was right by the front entrance. There was a huge poster of Colin Powell holding this black cat with yellow eyes. My first instinct was "Huh! That's funny! Colin Powell is showing a cat here! I never would have guessed."

On further inspection, we realized that this was not Colin Powell's cat, rather a CAT NAMED COLIN POWELL. Fascinating. I was then handed a postcard and a certificate proclaiming me an honest to god viewer of some black cat named Colin Powell.

I had to learn more. So I find this article about Colin Powell (the cat) and it turns out he was cat of the year in 2003 (sorry I just couldn't bring myself to give that last phrase Initial Caps). And he met Colin Powell (the man). Nice. Then I hit this paragraph:

Hauck, explaining later how Colin the cat got his name, said, “We name all of our black cats after prominent African-Americans.” The cat’s parents were named after musician Isaac Hayes and author Jamaica Kincaid, his grandmother after Rosa Parks, the integrationist.

LOUD COUGHING. WHAT! Is it just me and my hyper-sensitivity, or is that like, really insulting? Then I do a little MORE research (and yes, I'm wearing a visor), and I come across this picture of another one of their cats.


Yes, it had to be done, and side note, I'm Jewish so Eff Off.

Long relieved sigh. We were out of there, leaving to go see the cloned cats Tabouli and Baba Ganoush. But not before we got our hands stamped.

Our last stop: Clones. We made our way into a separate area of the Garden, where a young woman was speaking to a group of about 50 people about the clones and how they "work". And then she pulled the little kitten Baba Ganough out of his cage... Yoy! Only 4 months old, and so. cute! Only one problem. He had been awake all day doing these presentations, and could not stop meowing. Little kitten meows. And the girl couldn't get 2 words out without the kitten looking up at her ("Meow!") and the audience, in unison, going "Awww!" It was a vicious Meow-Awwing cycle that no one, not even this twenty-something in a Savings and Clone t-shirt, could stop.

AND THAT WAS IT! Rest of day recap: Went to Macy's, had an epileptic seizure in their Junior's Department, saw "I Heart Huckabees" (loved!), and then had nightmares about...

Finally, I'll leave you with this ad for an automatic litter box in the Cat!Show brochure.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Moychandising! Moychandising!

Fans and newcomers,

I've spent the past couple of hours obsessing over a new feature here at You Can't Make It Up... MERCHANDISE!!!

Now take a deep breath... I haven't sold out altogether. None of the merch promotes this blog (how can you have a website with "blogspot" in the URL?), however some of them reference older posts. If you have a particular picture in mind that you'd like to parade around your neighborhood, don't hesitate to e-mail me at

So, the link to the merch is

Some slogans: A dog t-shirt that says "Puppy, Ciao!" as well as some Edie McClurg material you won't want to miss out on. Also some slutty t-shirts that say "Captain Hooker". And there's even a trucker hat! (Internal monologue: Groan.) ENJOY!!!

(Hey guys, what about a dog t-shirt that says "Poop Doggy Dogg"? No? I see.)

Let's Cut to the Chase, Shall We?

No time for small talk.

- Austria can now claim to be the maker of both the World's Largest U.S. Governer and World's Largest Coin. They come in a paltry third when it comes to World's Largest Mass Genocide. Tsk Tsk Austria.

- Scientists have discovered a new Giant Ape species. Wait a minute... That's no ape.. that's my Uncle Morty!

- A zoo in Alaska is building a $250,000 treadmill for a fat, lazy elephant that weighs in at 9,120 pounds. It turns out the elephant just got through a bad break-up. It just sits, eats and waits by the phone.

- People in Singapore vie for the Title: World's Biggest Useless Retard.

- Incubusted: Incubus arrested at airport. I don't really care at all, just wanted to use that title. That or In-Cubustody.

- In a Pulp Fiction like caper, an 11 year old maniac was arrested after threatening her babysitter with a baseball bat, then tossing that aside for a shovel (good move), then a BB Gun (getting warmer), then a machete (bingo!). ALL THINGS FOUND IN HER BACKYARD. Hey babysitter! Next time you want to not get murdered, try not accepting babysitting offers from this family:

- A Pimp Name Generator. Mine is Magic Tickle Collins Silk. I also got President M. Sweetness. Aww.. I'd be an adorable pimp.

- Doctor's in Europe have been given a guide to translating the slang of their British patients who "complain of sore "lugholes" or say they're feeling "jiggered" and can't stop "gipping."" Don't get me started. After my third baby, my lughole killed for days!

- Finally, while I remain yours most non-partisanly, my very partisan friend Chelsea asked me to post this recent Memo out of the White House. Enjoy!

Stay Tuned for Monday, when I'll have loads of angst to dish out, as well as a full report (with pictures) from the CAT SHOW! Sigh.

Thursday, October 07, 2004


Look what's coming to town this weekend!!!

It's Tabouli and Babaganoush!

I couldn't go to the show, could I?? That would be insane, no? No, don't answer that, it would be insane.

BUT LOOK AT THEM!! Not to mention Lou in his cat shawl.... me-OW!

What to do what to do...

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Morning Radio Appearance

Well, it's nighttime. I've just burned off the top layer of my facial epidermis with Noxema's Triple Clean Astringent. Now just two more steps left to complete my nighttime routine: sing my pet Horse to sleep, and strip the paint off a soon to be determined piece of furniture.

Just wanted to remind you readers out there that I'll be doing a small stint on KROQ LA's Kevin and Bean Show tomorrow at 12 PM EST/9 AM PST. This is all great prep for my upcoming television appearance on "TBD". Due to the FCC crackdown, I gotta make sure to censor my sailormouth's instincts. I've also planned out my outfit for my big TV debut. Here's a picture... whaddya think?

I look like I'm trying too hard, right? Oh well. My other thought was wearing a hard-core, in-your-face tee with the following image emblazoned on the front:

But who DOES, right?

And, because I tend to be chatty late at night, have I mentioned that I'll be travelling to New Orleans next weekend to be a "talent wrangler" at the Voodoo Music Festival? So I'm all jazzed and shit about who I'll be "wrangling"... and this evening I learned the answer. CYPRESS HILL. I have to follow CYPRESS HILL around for a while and show them to the stage. I was lobbying for a more palatable option (sadly, Celine won't be playing this year), but alas. Here's hoping I can partake in some of the munchie noshing.

Yawn, mouth smack x 2. I'm spent. Nightcap in place, I bid you all good night.

Feeling Clonely

Guys, listen up. I've found my match. LITERALLY!

So I'm reading the NY Postest with the Mostest yesterday, when I come across an article profiling the CEO of (sit down for this one) Genetic Savings and CLONE. I looked around the train and met eyes with people to laugh and share the joke, then realized I was reading the paper silently, to myself. Eyes on your own paper.

The article goes on: Lou Hawthorne, CEO, is revolutionizing the world for delusional rich people, and giving them the option of cloning a dead (or living) pet. Thus answering the question "What do you give the maniacal pet lover who has everything (except for their recently deceased cat)?"

There is, of course, one small, tiny catch. The website instructs interested clients with the procedure for properly cloning your pet (in case of emergency): If your pet has been deceased for 1 - 2 days, immediately put it in your refrigerator, but do not, I repeat DO NOT, make the age old error of putting your dead cat in the freezer. Freezers just will not work in this case. Once you've safely nestled your cat between yesterday's dinner and some old tuna salad (sniff, Snowball loved tuna!), you are ready to begin the healing process. Seriously, I can see the commercial now: Kid comes into the kitchen with his soccer pals and opens the fridge. "Let's see... Soda, Purple Stuff, our dead cat... Sunny D! Alright!"... and the dead cat winks at the audience.

I'm not dead, asshole!

What really gets me is the site has instructions for what to do if your cat has been dead for THREE to FIVE days. (Once again, beginning at the fridge). First of all, anyone who's had a dead cat lying around for 3 to 5 days does not deserve another living, breathing one, because they are obviously shitfoam at the mouth crazy. Secondly, if the cat has been dead UNBEKNOWNST to the owner for 3 to 5 days, should we give this neglecting careless human another shot? Chances are, the reason it's dead is because the owner wasn't around for 3 to 5 freaking days! Really, Mr. Hawthorne, I expect better.

But how can I chide a man who names his first two cloned kitties Tabouli and Babaganoush after their Alpha Clone, Tahini ? As you readers know, I am obsessed with Israeli salads AND kittens! Really, as I was reading this article, I had this odd feeling in my gut that this is the man I was destined to marry -- and check him out... he's adorable! (Although I do wish those kittens would remain permanently affixed to his shoulders.)

And just think about it people... with this cloning technology, I could live the rest of my life forever swathed in fur! Tired of the brown one? Honey, clone me a calico shawl this instant! I have a ball to attend! (Click for illustrative pic... not me, but you get the idea)

By the way, is it me, or do those kittens seem utterly scared shitless? Look at that tiny kitty paw clinging on for dear life! Pobracita!

Also, Mr. Hawthorne was clearly cloned from Howie Mandel, which I find to be a disgusting and utterly unfunny joke.

Anyway, if you know Lou Hawthorne (or better yet, are him), tell him to take a break from snapping adorable pictures of himself and retrieving dead cats from fridges, and give a call.

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