Tuesday, November 30, 2004

1 a.m. Gift Ideas

Check out this video/animated bit giving a Goyishe tutorial on Yiddish. [via Screenhead]


The best part: The impersonations are dead on and really not over the top or cartoonish. I was flashing back to grandparental scoldings like the kid in The Shining.

Here's a link to the book being promoted: Yiddish with Dick and Jane

Also Pt. 2: Another handy book, How to Survive a Jewish Mother (a real "metsiya" at only $0.75 used! Although I think I already know the answer to survival.)

Moore than we Bargained For

Did you guys catch Michael Moore on Leno last night. Here's a screen shot:

Really, though, did you see him? He totally cleaned up his disgusting, unkempt image. His hair was combed, and he was in a suit. Like a clean, really really big suit. He also admitted that Bush won the election fair and square. (Leno: How did Bush win? Moore: He got more votes. The guy is good, people.) So now the question is: Who is this man, and in what silo are they hiding the actual Michael Moore?

Side Note: Pat Sajak, Turning the Letters on Hollywood HYP_CR_SY.

My apologies for the amount of poor man's Photoshopping going on today. I have completely lost my mind at work, and have been singing my favorite Christmas song "Away in a Manger" all day long, out loud, but with my own made up words. Example:

Away in a manger, lies Jesus so small
He's crying so loudly and learning to crawl
I love him, baby Jesus, He looks just like his Dad
And he's wearing pajamas, he looks cute but he's sad.

Oh tiny small Jesus, in a Manger he lies,
with his small hands and small feet and small son of God cries.
I love him, Lord Jesus, in his manger away
Now let's smile and get presents on this glorious Christmas Daaaaay.

I'm also a big fan of "Jesu, Man of Joy's Desiring" (which should have been the title of the new Jude Law/Clive Owen movie Closer.) Point being, my mind is melting, so you should thank me that I haven't written more.

Unsubstantiated Internet Rumor Alert!!!

Can it be??

Ferrell and Hilton... an item?!? Abortedly, the two spent the night together. Their love child is so obvioulsy going to be Jonathan Lipnicki.

Farrell has 'intimate encounter' with Hilton

Hi Mom? You forgot to take me out of the trunk again.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Hanukkah Theme Parties Gone Bad

As I prepare for my upcoming Hanukkah Party (details to follow), a few themes crossed my mind. This should already be a hint that these themes are completely 1. Insane; 2. Mostly play on words (or, as I like to say, "Play on, words!"); and 3. Funny only to me. Here are a couple of Hanukkah Theme Parties that could either make or break the week my family likes to call "The Festival of Fights."


1. "Star of David Schwimmer" Party

This is actually a GREAT idea for a Hanukkah party! Gather your closest friends/stereotypes up in your gigantic Soho loft, make some lattes and just talk. A lot. Spice things up a crotch when your local Rebbe shows up to perform "60 Second Nuptuals" amongst you and your pals. Married, Divorced, Married, Divorced, ad infinitum, just like our beloved TV Friends. The longer you keep going, the funnier it gets. Please Note: No black people allowed.


2. "You Say Hanukkah, I Say Chanukah" Party

One side dresses like Paul Begala, the other side Tucker Carlson, as this rip-roaring party theme gets the gears turning Crossfire style. Because, let's face it, there is no definitive answer to the "How the fuck do you spell this ancient word?" question. Things get doubly ugly when real-life celebrity Jon Stewart shows up to call you and your nebbishy friends Dicks for trivializing the pain our ancestors endured thousands of years ago.


3. "Wo-Menorah" Party

Invite all of your closest gal pals over to trash talk all the assholes on J Date. Then drown your single life problems in heavily fried fatty foods and calls to your Mother. Other possible topics of convo: cats, The Bachelor, suicide pangs.


4. "Latkes and Latkas" Party

Everyone arrives dressed as foreign garage-nic Latka from Taxi while eating tasty finger foods (namely: latkes) and looking around with a wide-eyed enthusiasm. Not for the faint of heart, recommended for single people over 40.


5. "Gelt Trip" Party

Help perpetuate Jewish stereotypes with this coin-based theme. Every attendee receives 20 chocolate gold coins at the door. Everyone sits in a circle, and bets (coin by coin) on who had the worst, most traumatic childhood. Winner gets to eat the pot (i.e. all the chocolate). Could possibly be combined with the "Wo-Menorah" theme as well.


6. "Yawn-ukah and Drei-Dulls" Party

This is more of a mixer. Invite every single banker you know. Watch as people start to nod off and/or make-out with one another. Fall asleep after approximately 12 minutes.


7. The "How Do You Make Manischewitz Wine?" Party

Answer: Grab everybody by the balls.


Have a great holiday.

The perfect gift to give any child on whom you wish nightmares for roughly the next 20 years or so.

When Your Co-Worker is Away

A fun site. Brief, but fun.

Monday, November 22, 2004

I Give You What You Want, America

Well, Ziggy's first picture was such a success, I thought why not post the only other picture I have of these sweet slackjawed angel? I present:

Ziggy is indeed the best. (Although don't ever attempt eating food in front of her, as you will be met with the most pathetic, starved, wide-eyed dog face you have ever seen, accompanied by some unsavory lip smacking.) However, to fully understand the supermodel this dog has been up against for the past couple of years, take a look at her "sibling" or "housemate" Mookie:

Don't worry, though... Mookie, like most gorgeous creatures, notches in at zero on the personality scale. He was given away a few months ago, leaving Ziggy the sole (and soul) honorary footwarmer used during my visits. What can I say, the apartment is drafty.

Desperate Bloggers

Check out my recap of this week's episode of Desperate Housewives over at TVGasm.

There are a million characters on this show, and in order to follow them I practically had to map out an intricate family tree of 90's tv has-beens. I've turned into the John Nash of sub-par network television, and I like it. (p.s., by sub-par, I mean awesome, as I really do enjoy Desperate Housewives.)

Vanilla Ice in "My Pet Goat" the Musical

Please, forget for a moment about all of the country's hardships and the world's problems, and focus instead on this headline:

Vanilla Ice Reunited With Wallaroo, Goat

At first I thought I was hallucinating. That headline is to this website (or "blog") what Watergate was to Woodward and Bernstein, or what Taxicab Confessions is to HBO programming, i.e. groundbreaking.

But it's true. Apparently, last week two of Vanilla Ice's many farm animals, a goat and a wallaroo (or mini kangaroo), escaped his Port St. Lucie, FL backyard in an attempt to break free from the tyranny of "The Ice". The goat, arguably smarter than Mr. Van Winkle himself, nudged open an unlocked gate, and him and his pal made a run for it.

Well good for Vanilla and his pals, reunited at last. Cut to a montage of Vanilla and his goat running along a beach in slow motion, sharing a candle-lit dinner, and then spooning in post-coital bliss (the wallaroo looking through the window, hurt and angry).

I'm glad two illegally kept wild animals could get Ice's name back in the headlines. Now here's hoping that feisty wallaroo kicks the shit out of him.

Friday, November 19, 2004

She'll Be Grim Reaping the Benefits in No Time

Elizabeth Taylor is Not Afraid of Death.


Death, however, Scared Shitless of Elizabeth Taylor.

Thursday, November 18, 2004


D'ya ever wish this blog o'mine would just come right to life. Well. It. Can!

I'll be doing stand-up this Thursday, November 18.

Welcome To Our Week, a hit comedy show hosted by a couple of lovelies named Nick Kroll and Jessi Klein.

This week's line-up:

Yours Truly

Mike Birbiglia - Late Night w/ David Letterman, Carson Daly, Comedy Central 1/2 hour Special

Joey Gay - Law and Order, standup extraodinaire, documentary "The Owner Heckles"

Paul Scheer - VH1's Best Week Ever, Conan O'brien

The info:

RiFIFI (Cinema Classics)
Nov. 18th, 8pm
332 E 11th St between First and Second Aves


Shitting Image

So I come across this website called "Susan Scott", who appears to be an agent for celebrity lookalikes. Don't ask me how I did it...*

*I google image searched "Lionel Richie" and was met with this photo:

As you can see, the only thing this man has in common with Lionel Richie is the kink in his curl, and that is that. They hardly resemble each other!

I wanted to delve deeper. And Lord if I only knew how deep this cess pool of filth was, I never would have started. Here are some of my faves (note the lack of resemblance, except where noted):

Slap a pair of glasses and a Sgt. Pepper's Jacket on any old fag, and they'll call themselves Elton apparently.

Jesus is SIZZLING! And sporting quite the sharp goatee and sports shirt. You'd think the dick could've slapped on a fucking robe and some sandals for his HeyZeus snapshot.

ANTHONY HOPKINS. Finally, a hit!! Bone-chilling...

Next up:

Do I even have to say who? Mssr. DiCaprio. I have trouble buying this one -- look at his eyes!! They rival Schwarzenegger's turn in Total Recall.

Finally, the perfect lookalike to hire for your child's Bar/Bas Mitzvah.


Now, if I had to choose a Hitler here, I'd go with Miles Bromilow. The eyes, the grimace, the hunched shoulders... you know he's hiding a single testicle there somewhere.

Tony Parkin ain't bad, but wait a minute... those eyes... they look so... familiar.

Wait a minute! That's Leonardo DiCaprio! On second thought, great casting. He'd make an AMAZING Hitler.

Back to Hitler, I MUST find out why Hitler lookalikes even exist, and in what capacity they are used. People, join me in the search to find these gentlemen's contact info. I can smell a documentary from a Miles away.

Ms. Scott's tagline on her website reads: Beware of Imitators. She meant that Hitlerally.

Timmy's Wish

Check out this film. It's under 10 minutes long, and if you're at work, DEFINITELY plug headphones in.

As a warning, the film is real dark, but I have faith in my readership... you guys can handle it.

After watching the film, come back here and leave comments on what you thought. Then I'll follow up with my opinion:

Timmy's Wish


It Can't Be.

I just got an e-mail attaching this picture. The author writes that this is a current picture of Jaleel White, aka Steve Urkel:

This can't be, can it?? It doesn't really look like him, does it?

Either way, I'm digging the confident pose and skin-tight ensemble.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Things That Made Me Laugh Today

- Remembering eating at a restaurant called AbraKebabra in not one, but two Irish cities.

- I'm visiting a friend in Boston for Thanksgiving. She tells me "Oh, my Uncle is going to really love you!" I say "That's great... Is he single? LOL" (It was an IM conversation.) She says "No, he's brain damaged." And I'm all "Perfect! ;)" And she's all "No, seriously, he was hit by a car when he was 3. He can't speak English. He's actually brain damaged" On second thought, that is a definitive :'(

- This picture, taken in 198-why?:

- Thinking about the Anna Nicole Smith video, then re-enacting it for a coworker.

- This year's 10 Worst Toy List. Note the "Dress Me Up Paz" Penguin. Innocent looking enough... but behind that yellow poncho and raincap lurks a child killer.

- Finally, this picture. Notice the smaller inset photo. This is like the Magnavox TV of hilarity.

The 2004 Award for Most Obscure Ebay Title Heading Goes to...

Embalming Video Not Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich

It continues...
While you are enjoying that Virgin Mary cheese sandwich why not watch an excellent embalming video?

This is a rare find and it's been used as a training video in mortuary schools and in the ARMY.

Finally, an answer to that age old question: What do you get the creepy, ne'er-do-well, recently divorced and fired neighbor of yours who spends hours in his backyard sharpening his hatchet and plotting revenge who has everything?

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


Clay Aiken and Mischa Barton: Related?? Here are two snapshots from early stardom, back in the days when Mischa used to drink coke and not snort it:

Check them out now: Pout and About!

What I would GIVE to see Clay guest star on the O.C.!! Maybe he could be the pool boy for Luke's Dad or something.

See also: Adam Brody and Michael Jackson.

Are You For Eighty-Six?

Breaking News:

The FDA has just issued a warning about RU486: Apparently, it can kill your fetus. So women out there, please note: If you are preggers and want to keep the lil' tyke around for a while, do NOT take RU486.

This message has been brought to you by Red Bull.

Red Bull: Causing spontaneous puking and birth defects since 1997.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Star Jones: Larger than Wife

- CNN has some fun with the Star Jones wedding, publishing this headline: Star Jones Ties Knot -- In a Big Way. Nice way to tie in her obesity, CNN. She will be taking her husband's last name, changing it from Ms. Star Jones to Ms. Star HugeEffeminateGay. USA Today also gets in on the Star-bashing.

UPDATE!: CNN.com seems to have changed their headline! The new headline reads Star Jones celebrates star-studded wedding. Boe-ring. See the old headline here.

Clearly Ms. HugeEffeminateGay's publicist was on the line ASAP, since God forbid the word "large" or "big" is used to describe anything related to this woman.

- The Post's Cindy Adams, when not inventing laws related to her dead dog Jazzy (i.e. Jazzy's Law, no relation to Jude), remains at the crux of the Middle East crisis and uncovers the secret plot to kill Arafat.

The lovely Cindy Adams with the recently deceased Jazzy, and some sort of gigantic phallus pillow.

- Remember all that Blind Movie Critic business I brought up recently? Well here's his official website. He rated Ladder 49 over pretty much everything else, so you know he's good. Interestingly enough, no review for Ray or Scent of a Woman... seems like someone has issues with his own kind, no? Next up: A deaf review of Elton John's latest single (hint: It's awesome!)

- Most Misleading Headline That Doesn't Sound Like News, Just Something Kinda Sorta Dirty: Trojan Horse Boxes.

- My Beaver is Jealous: Beavers find a bag of stolen money and weave the money into their dam. This sounds like just the time to whip out my beaver costume and put it to good use, work my way into Beaver society, and then once I've got the loot, make some extra dough weaving my way into children's nightmares.

Ol' Dirty Bastard: RIP in the Dirt, McGirt

Well, Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka Big Baby Jesus) really put the "Dead" in Deadbeat Dad yesterday, dying at the age of 35. He reported breathing pains while in his studio, collapsed and died before paramedics could save him, shocking baby mamas everywhere.

Besides having 13 kids, only 3 of which he claimed his own, Mr. Bastard was famous for his "wild and crazy" antics, such as smoking crack rock, wearing bullet proof vests, and making terrorist threats. No word yet on whether the White House plans on sending any reps to the fyoon.

So, as a final goodbye to one of hip-hops most groundbreaking artists and lowlives, play one of my personal favorite Wu Tang songs, Gravel Pit, in memoriam.

(soft whistling)
(somber) Check out my Gravel Pit.
(sniffle) A mystery... unravel it.
(quiet sobbing) Remember what Old Dirty said:
I'll fuck yo ass up!

A good man. Ol' Dirty Bastard, dead at 35.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Jury Has Verdict in Mark-Paul Gosselaar Case

Boy, NYPD Blue has really butched him up from his Saved By the Bell days, no?

The verdict will be out by 4 p.m., meaning that at 4:05 p.m. a wife-killer will be set free. I know it, I just know it.

Check out the resemblance... these two are separated at stillbirth!


Thursday, November 11, 2004

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Turds

You Can't Make It Up is primarily concerned with my semi-literate rantings about life, the world, idiots, animals and fatties. But I thought it would be a nice change to take a second to focus on the visuals.

I was combing through my extensive digital photo collection, and came across some pics too good not to post. Just sit back, relax and enjoy these images... ofcoursewithaddedcommentarybyme.

Here is what I came across last week during a delightful stroll through "Democracy Plaza." I am not sure what tragedy caused the pile up. It seems like the mannequins just gave up and quit.

Here is an extreme close up.

Speaking of mannequins, check out these glasses for sale on Ebay from the "80's Hit Movie MANNIGAN." Something tells me Meshach Taylor played a prominent role in that one too.

Here is a small food sculpture I made out of desperation one day at work. The pieces are made from rice crackers and for the pupils I used magic marker. Note the expression on my new best friend's face. I am very satisfied with my job.

This dog is a friend of the family. His name is Ziggy. When he walks around New York, people actually stop and say "Look what an ugly dog that is." Pobracita. Stay tuned for Ziggy on the new season of "America's Next Top Model."

This is a fake Scrabble game my mother and I played one night in Miami after smoking half a bucket of crack. The crack is always better at home, isn't it? (Click on pic to enlarge.)

Fake Scrabble is simple: You cannot use any real words, English or otherwise. Some notable plays include LOIXERS, GROIB, FLART, GICKLE and WEAMY. My mother's particular favorite was FONF (add umlaut over the "O".)

Evil geniuses and my creators, on the rooftop of the Met.

Here is a picture of me while I was filming "Cold Mountain" in Romania. Jude kept screwing up his lines, and if you squint, you can see how angry I'm getting. He made up for it later... in the form of a hot oat meal.

This next picture needs a little background. I travelled to London in February with my dear friend Lang to visit some people and see the sights. So I devised a plan in case we ever got separated, or couldn't find each other, or if some emergency happened, etc... Since we were without our cell phones, the only thing to do was have a meeting place. So I told the girls "If anything ever goes wrong and you can't find the other, meet in front of the National Gallery." Our friend Carolyn who we were staying with lived a little far out of the city (the word "Zone" was involved), so I figured the National Gallery was a nice and central emergency locale.

Well, apparently I repeated myself one too many times for my very independent, risk taking friends, and as usual, they mocked me. So "Meeting in front of the National Gallery" became a sort of catch phrase for the trip (along with "Some more meat pie, please." and "No, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get raped."... awkward smile emoticon.)

So now that you're on the inside of our little joke, here is a picture of me waiting expectantly for my lost friend. This picture is clearly staged. Nevertheless, you casting agents out there: Note the sadness on my hangdog face.

"Where are they?"

I have very nice friends. Here is me looking cold and alone from afar:

"I hope they didn't forget about our plan!"

Finally, a lovely shot taken by my friend Tina from the very same roof my parents stood on at the Metropolitan Museum. Your computer wallpaper can thank me later.

This post was exhausting. No more extreme photo posts for at least a year.

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