Stand-Up This Wednesday

NYC'ers:

I'll be opening up with some insanely hilarious stand-up (when isn't women's comedy, I ask you... scratch that) for my dear friends and sometime collaborators, The Wiener Philharmonic, for their new sketch comedy show "Wine Teeth." The info:

Wednesday, at 9:30 p.m (be on time!)
The Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St.
(btw Bowery & Lafayette)
A measly 7 bones.

Check out NY Times blurb here.

I still don't know what I'm going to wear! Any suggestions? Please choose from options below.



Side suggestion: I've discovered the best free entertainment New York has to offer... watching the people skating at Rockefeller Center fall on the face/asses. I did it for three straight hours yesterday, and it doesn't matter if the victim is 3 years old or 100, as long as no one is seriously injured, it's really good fun. Like America's Funniest Home Videos without the "Saggetiness", or Joe Pesci in Home Alone minus the "Culkinish" undertones, and completely worth the inevitable pneumonia of standing in the cold for so long.

Putting the "Goats" in "Scapegoats"

Are the Olsen Twins the New Jews? It appears so.

Olsen Twins Take Full Control of Media Empire

Also, I must share a forwarded e-mail that made my heart bleed with artificial sweetener. Not as "cutting edge" as what you expect from this blog, but cammaaaaan LOOK AT THEM! The text reads:

A lady found the fawn on her step (they think the doe might have been hit by a car) .. her Ridge Back dog is helping look after it. Once she has regained her strength (she was not in good shape when the family found her) they are going to send her to some friends who in the past raised two orphan deer and released them to the wild. Right now she is being bottle fed. Their dog (Hogan) has basically taken over. The fawn even shares his bed.


Sometimes, I feel like a cold little deserted deer on a doorstep. Or did I read that in a Ziggy cartoon? K, I won't ruin the rest of the shots with words.







Thanks to my roommate Sarah for the pics, and for bringing me Vitamin Water and Tigerbeat Magazine in my time of need.

Reminder

The good news is I've been officially brought on board over at TVGasm. My "secret identity" over there is (drumroll)... youcantmakeitup. Imagine that.

Check out today's recap, American Idol: New Orleans, Same Old Garbage. And just keep in mind that I wrote it while on a temporary death bed.

Additionally: I have decided that when I get engaged, I will officially change my name to Feyonce' Collins. Now I just gotta worry about getting a ring on this hand.

Puke, I Am Your Mother

You guys, seriously. I was poisoned. NO LIE. I ate some (shudder) instant indian food Tuesday night (even typing it makes me break out into a sweat), and spent all of Wednesday throwing up, moaning (sometimes, it just feels right), tossing, turning and altogether wondering if indian food was the end of me. Sadly, it wasn't, and I'm back at work today.



Also, for some reason, I was really emotional yesterday, and cried at the end of Kindergarten Cop, a movie I've seen roughly 147 times. But it's just when Mr. Kimball is shot, and all the kids are like "Are you OK Mr. Kimball?"... and when the bad guy kidnaps Dominique and then punches his mom in the face? ... (nose blowing)... I have emotional problems.


A large man in a tiny, tiny, tiny picture.

Here's something Schwarzenegger would have liked you to know about:

How to Kick Someone's Ass with an Umbrella



Also from BoingBoing, and eerily similar to Time Out Kids, I bring you outfits for your vacuum cleaner.


Cause nothing scares the dirt away like a 4 foot tall cat in a dress holding a fish skeleton.

Off For a Nap...

But first:



This picture had me dying laughing.

Yes, everyone, I have returned from my 10 day hypernation in Miami. I am rested, relaxed, and -- sadly -- pasty as ever. And if you have the opportunity to travel anytime soon, do yourself a favor and DO NOT take U.S. Air. They lost my bag ta-WICE (going and coming). Thankfully, I was reunited with my TJ Maxx clearance rack wardrobe and ziploc bag shoes in a showy, teary reunion.

And yes, postings will return to normal tomorrow, once I organize myself at my job. My mind is racing with things I wish to share, namely opinions on Oscar noms, top news stories, and the usual animal nonsensicals.

As I type this, I just saw a commercial where three girls are stranded on an island, and they lay out about 200 tampons (Annie brings up a good point, that it's probably more like 200,000 tampons) on the sand to spell out the phrase "SEND TAMPAX" to a passing plane. Now call me crazy, but don't you think it makes sense that the assholes would've used, like, coconuts to spell it out? Perhaps they just enjoy spelling out long phrases out in cotton vaginal plugs on sandscapes. If that is the case, touche. Good thinking, ladies.

Can you tell I'm exhausted? I'll leave you with this.


P.S. Knightrider, fave show as child. Hasselhoff: Second Official Crush after Alf.

Simply Brilliant

Asian parents do not kid around. It's The Baby Mop.





Look how happy that baby looks. Such a punim on him. He just can't wait to buff that floor to a shine!

I return back to New York and regular postings on Monday (depending on how the major blizzard effects air travel...) So, rather than reading this fountain of knowledge this weekend, get off your touchas and see In Good Company. I couldn't stop grinning throughout.

Finally, yet another American Idol recap over at TVGasm. And I promise to stop being so "Yiddish" post-vacay.


It doesn't take much seychel to get your hands on a copy of this mishegas.

American iDull

Oh Praise the Lawd! Praise the LAWD! American Idol is back on!

I've written up a lil' recap of last night's episode for your perusal over at TVGasm. Disregard the spelling errors peppered throughout... I was busy getting drunk with mother when I wrote it.

Also, check out this link to see The Apple Store of the Future. [thanks dong]



And while we're on the subject, I've finally broken down and become part of the Free Ipod club. Apparently, by signing up, completing an offer (one of which is Blockbuster Online, which I've been thinking about joining anyway...), and then having 5 friends sign-up and complete an offer, you really do receive a Free 20 GB Ipod! It's legit, I swear! And I used a junkiy e-mail address just in case.

And if you sign up as one of my people, I will send you a personalized card with a special, unique message inside, and one of my signature MS Paint artworks. C'mon guys, this is too good to be true! So sign up. :)

And don't forget. I will always...

"Vacation": Day 4

Check out my review of Tasty Bite Indian Food on McSweeney's Reviews of New Foods.

Miami's treating me pretty well, thanks for asking. I spent about 45 hours at the outlet mall today, and was so blinded by the miles of garbage that I began grabbing clearanced items at random. The final product:



Not to mention my feet are feeling the pain:



Also, it's true: Retarded people are for real.

Another Reason To Breathe Easy...

...or cloggingly wheeze in an excruciating, uncontrollable lust for food.

The CDC Overstated Obesity-Related Deaths.

Also, did you know that Foofle (www.foofle.com) will reroute you to Google?

I say we start a movement where we talk on and on about how successful Foofle is, how lucky those young Foofle guys are, Foofle Image searches, etc. It really makes you feel above it all! "It" being success, of course. Who needs it?! Not I.

Golden Globes Roundup

I'm taking a long-awaited "vacation" this week, flying into my hometown of Miami, Florida for 9 days of pure, unadulterated boredom and solitude.

My week got off to a rip-roaring start at the baggage carousel, where I ended up being the last person waiting for a bag that wasn't actually in Miami. In fact, while I had no problem making my connecting flight (with enough time left to buy a "Great American Bagle", aka "The ROUND Wonderbread!"), my luggage -- a giant, red duffle with wheels -- was too busy gallavanting with the other bags to bother making it three gates down. So there I was, filling out paperwork at 1:30 a.m. for a bag full of "everything I own", aka black turtlenecks, jeans, and about 400 pairs of $1.49 Xmas underwear, which, tree or no tree, is too much of a bargain for a Jew like me to pass up. If it makes you feel better, I own about 20 yarmulke bras.



I must admit, it was kind of freeing, thinking about a luggage full of my clothing out partying it up in Charlotte without me. Free! Unchaperoned! Doing shots and dry-humping other orphaned bags without a care in the world! My bag and I have since been reacquainted, although it still refuses to look me in the eyes.

How is it that I haven't brough up the GOLDEN GLOBES yet!? A night where the "Hollywood Foreign Press" (put in quotes because my theory is it's a bunch of Middle Eastern guys looking to schmooze with the stahs) liquors up celebs and then hands them marble chairs legs and embarassing speeches.

I watched the entire show with my mother by my side. Here are some highlights of the night:

- While I love Natalie Portman (love perhaps being too strong a word), why did she/her stylists decide on such a shapeless, oversized dress? The poor girl is so skinny she spent the rest of the evening wrapped up in a man's sportscoat, even later on in the night at the afterparties. Alas, she is still gorgeous. I say next year we get this girl in a flannel, long-sleeved corset.


An Open Photo Caption to Emmy Rossum: Slip dress or no, You Will Never Be Portman.

- My mother and I got into our first fight of the evening over Angelica Huston. The debate was "Who Is Fatter?", my mother or Angelica. Winner: Mother.


A drunk Angelica Huston with husband Horatio Sanz.

- Later on, we got into another fight over the lead actor in "American Family". My mom said it was "Whiffleface" Olmos, and I (stupidly) disagreed. One Google search later, and I was out $5. I don't know... I always thought he was bigger and... more... whiffled.



- At one point, the camera cut to Dustin Hoffman whispering into Warren Beatty's ear. My mother says "I bet he's telling him 'You're going to shtup a winner tonight'", referring to Annette Benning's undeserved accolade. One more check in the "Now I Understand Why I'm a Maniac" column.


- Misheard in the E! Post-Show: The host asks Mick Jagger and Ringo Starr's partially-aborted twin "So, will you two party tonight?" I misheard it as "So, were you too farty tonight?" Yesses on both, clearly.

- Can someone puh-leeeze give Ray's Regina King an award? Surely Cecil B. DeMille watched 227.

- Overall, very pleased with all of the winners (esp. Leo!), and loved all of the looks tonight. Most notable looks were Charlize Theron, Javier Bardem, Mariska Hargiaty's husband (who IS that man?) and Teri Hatcher's hand-braided Donna Karen gown, which I lurved. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go suffocate myself with my dog-eared copy of Bridget Jones' Diary.



p.s. Due to parents' dial-up connection, I'm gonna have to take it easy on embedded links this week. OK, fine, one more.

Red Carpet Showdown

The Today Show dropped to a new low today, with Katie the Couric-ly Lion interviewing red carpet alums "Joanlissa Rivers" and Star Jones to talk about their upcoming "Red Carpet Rivalry" at the Golden Globe's this Sunday.

What was interesting about this, other than the sheer circus that is their appearances, is that Star Jones refused to be interviewed alongside Joan and Meliss. First Katie interviewed an always charming Joan (with Melissa fulfilling her role as "parasitic fetus"). Once they were done, Katie moved to an odd looking Star, a look I can only describe as "obesely gaunt", who explained that she wouldn't do a group interview with Joan because they "have different styles." I'm guessing Joan likes to drink her blood out of a goblet, while Star prefers to drain it directly from the cow's neck.

In a related story, World's Largest Blimp takes off in Japan, a country full of the World's Tiniest People.

Evil Hash A New Name

And thy name is: Darth Tater.



I'm not a huge Star Wars fan, but this is so adorable, I just might have to get it. Look at his little orthopedic black Reeboks! [via]

Also, see this photo album for some other wacky Mr. Potato Head adventures.

Did You Nazi The Tabloids?

An actual conversation I just had re: Prince Harry's Nazi Costume.

Me: So did you hear about about Prince Harry?
Friend: No. What?
Me: He wore a Nazi uniform to a costume party, and now people want him to go to Auschwitz.
Friend: What? That's terrible! Nobody should go to Auschwitz!
Me: Not go, like metaphorically. They want him to visit.
Friend: Ooooh. (pause) That's a good idea.

Anyway, apparently this kid is a fucking idiot. Now Prince Charles is requiring him to visit Auschwitz. And who knows? Maybe next year he'll go to the costume party dressed as Elie Wiesel.



Although something tells me he'll probs dress as a rosacea-inflicted privileged idiot. He would've been a prick, but his mom passed, so, you know...

Keeping It Real Estate

The finest banner ad ever? You best say yes. [via LYD]



My grandmother once had a switchblade like that, which she would pull out menacingly from her support ho, flip open, and then rapidly begin dicing potatoes for her world famous Goulash.

Search Terms of Endearment

While You Can't Make It Up has its share of fans, every day millions of people end up here by way of a search engine. Most of them are jonesing for some Tara Reid Franken-breast snapshots, others wish to learn more about England's anti-bullying bracelet. Sometimes it will be someone yearning to catch a glimpse of Carly Patterson's cameltoe or a crotch shot of british actress of the same name Michelle Collins (to which I genuinely apologize... hopefully my own crotch shots didn't disappoint.)

But every once in a while, I will come across a search term that really makes me wonder about those commoners out there.

What follows is a list of the most cringe-inducing, head-scratching, ball-adjusting phrases that has brought random people to this here site, along with some thoughts on each.

Can pizza make my anus itchy? (Anyone have an answer for this guy?)

A Pic of the Mexico flag for a report that i can make bigger and can change were i want to put it (I am first hit on this one! But one wonders why there are people out there making retarded chimps write papers on Mexico.)

Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without (What's that? Sorry, it's hard to hear you over the buzz of the needle tattooing this phrase onto my pectoral, Eve-style.)

Milo and otis cats killed during filming (A misconception. Don't let the blatant cat-abuse in this movie lead you to believe any were killed.)

Matthew Lillard Fan Club in Deutschland (I'd make a crack, but on second thought, the Germans deserve this one.)

"Olsen twins before they were famous" (This amused me up for a number of reasons, as the answer to that query is clearly "When they were an unfertilized egg". They’ve been famous since the day their slimy ape-heads popped outta their momma's vag.)

i want word for word on how to make drug ice (The word is: Cube Trays.)

Face Up To The Fact That You Are Who You Are, And Nothing Can Change That, Belief (Pardon me while I have a nervous breakdown, and eat myself into a babganoush-induced coma.)


You said it, Billy [via]

fuck cancer rubber bracelet (Heart-warming.)

turds (See above.)

Snoop Dog + Ovarian Cancer + Necklace (By far, my FAVORITE term! It really leaves you guessing.)

“powdering” “baby powder” torture (Someone, please call the authorities and have this person arrested.)

“The Bachelor suicide” (One can dream.)

Would You Like Cries With That?

Missouri resident Ann McDonald has just added her name to the long list of "Redneck Coincidences", by giving birth to her "bun in the oven" underneath the Golden Arches of -- you guessed it -- McDonalds. No word yet on who the father is.



Historically, this is the second birth taking place at a Missouri McDonalds, after Ronald's mother tried to unsuccessfully flush his freshly born body down the toilet, following her doctor's botched "McAbortion".



The good news is baby and Mother are doing just fine. Here's a picture of the little tyke feeding from his mother's now trademarked "All Beef Meat Teet".



Sadly, the milk will eventually turn sour for Baby McDonald, when in 30 years or so his mortal enemy, the future King of Hamburg, will do everything within his power to stop this menacing burger mogul from fast food domination, even if it means turning against his own family.


A metaphor gone too far.

Tumor Has It

Drudge brings us breaking news:

A report has come out showing that cell phones DO, in fact, cause brain tumors... not to mention dirty looks from elderly people.


Keep it down, you little bitch.

Now, is it just me, or is this "breaking story" about five years old?

Anyway, I don't buy it for a second. Check out this little girl: She's had a cell phone since the age of 5, and she's just fine.


Hello? What, Grandma? I can't hear you...
My TUMOR won't stop singing Air Supply!

Getting All Computer-y On Yo Ass

I've installed a new feature that should make reading this blog a crotch more enjoyable.

Look to your right. See that little box on the sidebar? Once you click that little box, all of the links on this page will open in a new browser. Hence, you don't have to keep clicking the "Back" button, rather you can just close the new window and keep reading.

Yes, I know most of you are smart enough to figure that out on your own. But my parents read this blog, and sometimes they need a little hand-holding when it comes to all things related to the "$1500 Solitaire Game Console In the Den."



A Collins family portrait, taken in 2003 with my father's digital daguerreotype.

My Morning Coffee...

...really works wonders on me. Reaaaaally it does.



And an update to an item brought to your attention yesterday:

Mississippi library officials are reversing the ban on Jon Stewart's America.

So, if you're a Mississippi local, head over to your public library, turn to page 99, focus intently on the nude Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and beat it off as the day is long.


Hott U.S. Judges! 9 of 'em... All of them guilty - of being too hott... and it's free!! Click Here for More Sin-formation!!

The Gates of Hell Have Opened, My Children

Do you feel the ground quaking beneath you?

It's Shakespeare. And he's violently spinning in his grave.

Kathy Lee Gifford, Playwright

An exerpt:

In the bowels of a small theater in a seedy section of town, Kathie Lee Gifford is being a little naughty.

"So I'm having a little vino," she says sweetly. (Ed. Note: Cackled) "So sue me."

OK, OK. Take it easy, Mrs. Gifford.

In the bowels, indeed.

Mississippi Book Burning

Mississippi libraries are banning Jon Stewart's best-selling book, "America", from hitting its shelves, due to some of its racy content. Officials also announced that they will be dropping the traditional "Dewey Decimal System" for something that "sounds less dirty."

Thankfully, Mississippi libraries will still be stocking books that will be somewhat useful for locals, such as this handy guide on how to meet Mr. Right, tips on welcoming newcomers to the area, and the "Tolstoy of the South".


Immediately after the announcement, a library official excused himself to "eat his own crap."