Entertaining Thoughts

1. My favorite new slang word for "doin it": French Omelette. It's an omelette with meat inside. AN OMELETTE WITH MEAT INSIDE!

2. If I were to have a band, I would name it "Post No Bills", just to stick it to the man. Or "Uterine Lining".

3. My Pret A Manger lunchbag has a slogan on the side: "This Bag Has Enjoyed A Previous Life!" As what? Another bag? That doesn't sound very enjoyable. Although I have been entertaining thoughts of my bag having been a very flamboyant Courtier in 18th Century France.

Princess Diana: Water You Crying About?

What better way to memorialize "The People's Princess" than with a "People's Super Awesome Fun Slide"?

A Memorial Waterslide/Open Sewer for Diana has opened in Hyde Park, much to the astonishment of those refined gentlepeoples of the British press (read: cause of her death).

Well, I hear that isn't half as bad as the 9/11 Bumper Cars. And yes, that joke could have been 100 percent more tasteless/funny.

Controversial 'Waterslide' Commemorates Princess Diana

See Picture of It Here

Chuck A. Pizza at Chuck E. Cheese

An angry mom in Macon, GA. got a little aggressive towards America's Creepiest Mr. Mice Guy. She accused the Chuck E. Cheese mascot of not paying enough attention to her child, and as a punishment, pelted the mascot with piping hot pizza. Good move, asshole. That's his whole thing, that he LOVES pizza, so what do you do? Throw pizza at him!

How do you discipline your child? By stuffing his mouth and ass with Snickers bars? God, I HATE idiots.

Angry Mom Flings Pizza At Chuck E. Cheese Character

Man Has Sex With Bird

Hangs Self.

WARNING: The site is called Vegan Porn, but I'm pretty sure it's work safe. God almighty, I hope it's work safe.

Man Hangs Himself After Being Exposed As Bird Rapist

Can't I Watch Supermarket Sweep in Peace?

I'll make this quick.

To Ball Park franks, the hot dog company that promotes their horse meat with a YUGE man saying the word "Girthy" over and over again, girthy girthy girthy, all the while drooling on himself and then closing this spectacle by taking big, meaty bite of your weiner: Let me be frank. I get seriously physically ill every time I see this.

A quick Google search: Apparently I'm not alone.

To Centrum, and your new "CARB ASSIST" vitamin. During your commercial, you twist the bottle around dramatically to reveal the title. For about 2 solid seconds, I thought you had a new product called "CARB ASS". And while I would be in your prime demographic for said product, I really don't appreciate being spoken to that way, by you, by your family, by all of your friends. I see the way they look at me, and I'm not going to take it anymore. Now get out!

Elephant Mannequin

A little busy this morning, so for the time being, take a gand at these haunting and suprisingly lifelike mannequin heads.

The first one says "I can't afford a facelift or a razor. And I may very well murder you slash grind on you in a Berlin disco," while the second one says "Ello! I star in a multi-million dollar cinematic franchise! I was an ugly kid, but in this last movie, I was pretty hot. Catch ya later!"

SCARY MANNEQUIN HEADS

Mary-Kate Olsen Get Well Gift Guide, V. 2

Fans, you asked for it, you have it.

As reported previously, Mary-Kate Olsen has been sent to rehab for her voracious cocaine appetite. What follows are some gift ideas to send to MKO in her time of need.



1. Tissue Box Cover
Lilting and feminine, she'll think of you every time she reaches for an Egyptian Cotton disposable hanky. Every recovering coke head's first choice. (trust me.)
---------------------------------------------------------------


2. Skip It
A.k.a. "The Ball and Chain of My Childhood", this is the perfect sport to keep those with "the shakes" occupied and happy for hours. Now, when she's "hopped up", it'll have a totally different meaning. And I'm sure she'd appreciate that.
---------------------------------------------------------------


3. Vazline
Keeps those nostrils moist, not to mention those teeth gleaming for lurking, blood-hungry paparazzi.
---------------------------------------------------------------


4. The Taboo Broadway Soundtrack
Because nothing says "Put Down The Fucking Coke" better than a shitty Broadway musical about Boy George and drug addiction. She has to learn her lesson somehow.
---------------------------------------------------------------


5. Razor Scooter
Stop cutting up white lines, and start scooting your way back to health! It'll really bring out the kid in her. Not to mention these things are so hot right now.

Mary-Kate Olsen Get Well Gift Guide

As most of you know, American's beloved doppleganger, Mary-Kate Olsen, recently checked into a hospital for what my sources have confirmed is an eating disorder. This sexy-rexy may be a billionairess, but she is still going to need some cheering up. Below are some suggestions that might make this little anorexic who has everything feel a notch or two better.

---------------------------------------------------------------
1. 6-Ply Cashmere Turtleneck
If there's one thing this little stick-bug is gonna need inside that dreary hospital, it's the warmest sweater money can buy. Watch as she pulls the sleeves over her hands while cupping a hot water with lemon. She may be sick, but she looks damn good!
---------------------------------------------------------------



2. 18K Gold "Hang In There" Necklace
Here's the perfect way to let Mary-Kate know "Hey! You'll pull through this! Just HANG IN THERE! Don't die on us, ok?"
---------------------------------------------------------------



3. Butter
To ensure her survival.

---------------------------------------------------------------


4. Gorgeous Thick Human Hair
No nourishment = major hairloss. Skip out on that bedazzled doo rag and opt instead for this luscious wig, perfect for those glamorous Hollywood outings and group therapy sessions.

UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE**
It's cocaine. It's not an eating disorder, she's in rehab for a rabid cocaine addiction.

Instead of tossing the above list to the wind, apply it to a friend or loved one who is undoubtedly riddled with self-hate. And stay tuned for an updated guide...

Barry Manilow - Crimefighter

Sheep Vest and Crotch Shot

A city in Australia plans on pumping Barry Manilow tunes, as well as other soft-core favorites, into crime-riddled underpasses and areas where drug dealers and other mufflegaggers tend to hang out.

The crime may go down, but I guarantee the suicide rate will go up.

Barry Manilow - Crime Fighter

My Apologies to the Burke Family...

...for even drawing this comparison.

The eery resemblance between Craig Kilborn and Chris Burke.

Cassa-Role Playing

Ladies, are you tired of meeting too many men, and then never knowing which ones ones are keepers and which ones are goners?

Try this handy little guide from the "Glamour Magazine" of the Florida Panhandle, the Pensacola News. In Dee Dee Ritchie's Pulitzer Prize winning article, "Judging a Man by His Cassarole", Dee Dee explains the ins and outs of your man's culinary dabblings.

Of Tuna Casserole:

Do I really even want a man who likes tuna casserole? As much as I love tuna, of the sea rather than of the can, I cannot gag down a bite of this dish. If a man eats your tuna casserole, it must be love because his taste buds are dead. It's a great litmus test.

I once made the mistake of judging my man by how long it took him to shower. Over 10 minutes meant that he was obsessed with his body and himself, versus paying attention to me, talking to me, bathing me, combing my hair, telling me how nice I look, etc. If the shower was over 10 minutes - he was OUT THE DOOR!

In the end, I had a very meaningful relationship with a man who I knew cared for me, but his body fungus had me saying "Smell Ya Later!"

It's A Beautiful Bouncing Product Placement

As I'm sure most of you now know, right now, in America, three babies are named ESPN (pronounced Espen). One couple even plans on naming their second child ESPN 2 (pronounced, I believe, as Espen Douche).

As a result, ESPN plans on filming a documentary about these tykes, because if there's one thing ESPN fans love, its watching semi-retarded parents clean a dirty diaper.

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. Yeah, that's it, naming my baby after things I'm a fan of!

My first child will be called "Babaganoush", followed by "Snackwells", "Camel Ultra Lights", and my beautiful little girl, "Abortion."

Seriously, though, I will be happy to name my child "CBS". All it's gonna take is for Les Moonves to drop that slut Julie Chen, pick up a phone, and make it happen.

Couple Names Son ESPN

Whatever Happened To: Edie McClurg?

America is in desperate need of a funny fat woman. Roseanne Barr (big fan) is passe, Rosie O'Donnell is obviously the worst (not counting Another Stakeout, which is primarily funny thanks to the genius comic stylings of Dreyfus/Ethtebeth), and Mama Cass, while never necessarily a comedienne, is most definitely dead.

Then it occurred to me... Whatever happened to Edie McClurg?

Edie McClurg was an icon, one of many faces that has faded post-1989 (Rick Moranis on Line 2). And why? McClurg's brand of humor was unique, from syrupy sweet southern charm to a two-faced bitch on wheels. From Grace, the plucky secretary in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, to Bonnie Brindle, on Small Wonder, to the annoying yet loveable Patty Poole on "Valerie" cum "The Hogan Family".

And how is Hollywood using this genius? In straight-to-video thrillers such as To Kill a Mockumentary and the 2003 sleeper bomb Fish Without A Bicycle (which I hear is almost as good as Goddamn, Parrot, That's A Sweet Ride!)

Well, I, for one, am appalled. From hereforth hencewith, I propose banding together to form the "I Needie More Edie" Campaign. I'll be the President. The t-shirts alone will clearly be snatched up by Urban Outfitters, and my talk show circuit run would be ginormous (Can anyone say Livin It Up with Ali and Jack? I can.)

Who's with me? Write to MichCollinz-mail@yahoo.com, and let's make something happen, yes?

Plug Your Headphones In

For those of you workin' a day job (holla!), I highly suggest plugging your company headphones into your computer to get a listen to this hilarious commercial out of the East.

Kill Bill Commercial [via Engadget]

He Looks Just Like His Father

Brace yourselves. It's gonna be a long week.

An Iranian woman claims that she has given birth to a frog, reports newspapers in Iran. Doctors speculate that the woman may have been impregnated whilst swimming in a dirty pool in Iranshahr, in Southeastern Iran. I bet the Club Med there is really suffering.

Apparently, though, this woman isn't alone. The BBC reports that in the long and rich history of amphibian-human impregnations:

One of the most famous was the 17th Century case of Catharina Geisslerin, known as "the toad-vomiting woman" of Germany.

And I thought that time I harfed up a live baby chick was bad! It was definitely cuter.

I would LOVE to see this couple on Judge Joe Brown, or any other inane daytime Court drama:

"Ya Honor, his baby is 3 years old. He does not pro-vide for me. He was never there for his son!"

Cut to: The other podium, where a live frog sits, defenseless and silent.

"I mean, look at him! He cannot even hold. a. job. And he's bad in bed! Worthless, Ya Honor. WORTH. LESS."

Cut to: Frog. Looking hurt.

Iranian woman 'gives birth to frog'

Because No One Else Will Bring It Up, Pt. 2

Scott Peterson and Ben Affleck: Separated at Girth

For an even better pic, check out Peterson (aka "The Nadia Comaneci of Liars") on the cover of the Post.

Because No One Else Will Bring It Up

The Uncanny Similarities Between Michael Jackson and Adam Brody

Martina Navratilova Has Really Let Herself Go.

Zing!

Seriously, Wimbledon has really fallen through the cracks here in the U.S. I've heard little to no coverage -- other than the Venus Williams scandale. Less of Michael Moore, More Action on the Court. Thank you for your time.

Wimbledon News

A Bug's Strife

While working at a sporting goods store in Johnson City, NY, a 23-year-old man found a spider, doused it in lighter fluid and threw a match at it, in an attempt to kill it. The fire quickly spread to the surrounding merchandise, and burnt half the store down. No word on how the spider is recovering.

I totally hear this guy's pain. I am psychotic about bugs! (play a clip of Country John from the Real World SF singing "True Story!")

One time, I killed a small spider in my bathroom, first by dousing it in perfume (thanks for nothing, Dolce and/or Gabbana), then by unloading half a bottle of hairspray on it and freezing it to death. Then there was the time I killed a roach using bug spray, and airlifted it to my toilet using double-sided tape stuck to the bottom of a small grocery bag, a la Jamie Lee Curtis' helicopter stunt in True Lies.

Worker Trying to Kill Spider Starts Fire

Hasta La Vista, Puppy

Look, Arnold. I'm a fan. Grope all the women you want, spout slurs against jews, I just can't help but liking you. I've always found your antics to be sweet, endearing, and overall unthreatening.

But you are really cutting it close with this one.

Arnold wants to repeal a state law requiring shelters to keep stray dogs and cats for six days until they're put to sleep. The new law would give the lil' pups and kits only three days until their little souls float up out of their bodies, cartoon style.

But stray's really do serve a purpose!

I think all Arnie needs to soften up and reconsider is a warm chai latte, a cashmere throw, and a little movie I like to call The Adventures of Milo and Otis.

And seriously - can someone please massage Bob Barker's heart back to the "ON" position so we can get a spokesperson up in this peace?

Schwarzenegger Wants Strays Killed Faster

Michelle's Favorite New Yorker Cartoon Ever

Pump, Pump, Hiss, Hiss, Oh What a Relief It Is

From the files of "I'm Gonna Be Sick. No Really.":

The Smoking Gun reports that a Judge in Oklahoma has been disrobed, so to speak, for using a male enhancement pump, shaving and oiling his nether region, and pleasuring himself. Pretty standard stuff. Pause, 2, 3. All while sitting on the bench.

My god -- can you imagine? "Keep that up (pump, pump), and I'm gonna put you (pump, sigh, pump) in CONTEMPT (pump) of the (hiss, hissss) COURT!"

Here Comes The Judge

New York Post-Partum Depression

My regular New York Post hocker on the Upper West has been MIA. The result? I've been gouging my eyes out using the fragmented sentences that make up AM New York (Named New York's Worst Newspaper 2004 by You Can't Make It Up.)

I remember with fondness the funny headlines and celebrity snapshots. The feel of the pulpy paper in my hand. My blackened fingertips, calloused and cut, my biceps stringy and hard from the heft of its news. Horses Cloned Via D.N.Neeeiiigh? You said it, Posty.

Following is a link to an article from a few years ago describing in pitch-perfect Post prose a man arrested for stalking Serena Williams. An excerpt:

In the interview, Stromeyer said his wealthy family and friends helped him finance his stalking, and he charged $15,000 on his HSBC credit card. "Please thank the bank," he said, smiling. "I couldn't have stalked without them."

He calls tennis "the game of kings."

"It is a graceful game that reveals the personality of the players," he said. "Serena is a dancer. She is the ballerina of tennis."

He said he fell in love with her two summers ago when he first saw her playing on TV. "She has this perfect tuft of hair. I had to watch her in person," he said.

There's nothing I can add to make this any funnier, so just read the whole thing, will ya?

I'm a Sweet Stalker [via Chelsea Peretti]

Hot Toddies with Hot Boddies

In what may be the most cringe-inducing article of the week, ABCNews.com reports:

Somewhere in Germany is a baby Superman, born in Berlin with bulging arm and leg muscles. Not yet 5, he can hold seven-pound weights with arms extended, something many adults cannot do. He has muscles twice the size of other kids his age and half their body fat. DNA testing showed why: The boy has a genetic mutation that boosts muscle growth.

Something tells me this kid would kick Tobey Maguire's ass in an alley fight. Now that I think of it, I'm guessing an average 5-year-old would kick Tobes' ass. Poor Tobey. Poor, weak, lisping Tobey.

I mean, did you guys catch his interview on Leno the other night? He speaks so. slowly. It's like seeing a turtle watching Meet Joe Black in rush hour traffic. THAT'S HOW SLOW IT IS! Oh god.

Fall From Grace

A Grace only a mother could love.

Some of you may have noticed that my usual manic, zealous, speed-driven postings have been lacking this morning. Well, there's a good reason for that. I went to the Grace Jones concert at Crobar last night. (Not to be confused with Grace Jones, of That Dawgone Dog fame.) Did I say good reason? Make that utterly retarded reason.

For those of you wondering, Ms. Jones looked hagulous. Following a two-hour delay (an anonymous source witnessed the hulking stallion take a mighty drunken fall down some stairs), she came out and served, bitches.

To make a tedious story longer, I'm on little sleep, and at a desk job where "the shakes" and "honking" are considered inappropriate office behavior.

So, in honor of this morning, I've set up a couple of links to keep my readers refreshed, whilst I crouch under my desk to grab some shut-eye right by the balls.

Hungover.net

William Hung

Suicide and Prevention (You'll Need This)

CONTEST: Renaming the Food Stamp

Readers,

CNN.com is reporting that eveybody's favorite form of postage, the food stamp, is in need of a facelift. They're doing away with paper booklets, and upgrading to spiffy plastic swipecards.

They're also renaming it. Oh, the possibilities!

Come up with some names you'd like to see replace "Food Stamp", and I'll publish the winners sometime in the next day or two.

And no, Apple and Coco are not real names.

Send your entries to: michcollinz-mail@yahoo.com

Management

Renaming Food Stamps

I Wonder If It Was Bark Mitzvah'd?

Snicker inducing site from the catch phrase that had American saying, "You're the Man Now, Dog!"

Pictured above: "Sean Connery", winner of the Setter category at an Icelandic dog show, being lady-handled by Louise Fletcher, of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest fame. Thanks to photog Kickie Boman for the pic.

You're The Man Now, Dog!

Deodo-Rant

Locals in a small Nepali village in Kathmandu (Pronounced "Cat Man Doo") are in a tizzy due to the overproductive secretions of one of their Gods. No, not R. Kelly (zing!). Rather, the deity has been sweating, a sure sign of doom.

Natives have been in a praying frenzy, sacrificing goats hither and tither, and bracing for the worst.

[T]he last time the Lord Bhimeshwor idol "sweated" was in January 2001, six months before Crown Prince Dipendra shot dead his father, King Birendra, and eight other royals before turning the gun on himself in a drunken rage... The deity also reportedly sweated in 1932 before an earthquake killed thousands of people.

That seems pretty serious. The last time an idol sweated here in the States, millions of teenage girls ran out and bought Clay Aiken's album, "The Faggiest Mile." A tragedy indeed.

Anxious Country Prays to Placate 'Sweating' Deity

Michelle's Wallpaper Suggestion #1

GOD, it's a slow news day.

Waiter, There's a Fly in My Soup.... HUNDREDS OF FLIES.

Somehow less addictive.

A chain of restaurants in China has been shut down after authorities found cooks mixing opium poppy in their soup. The soup becomes addictive, guaranteeing repeat customers. Not to mention the added bonus of your bowl talking to you, and your chair swallowing your soul.

"This could eventually lead you to drug abuse in serious cases," said national health authority spokesman Wei Tao. (ed note: for added fun, try singing his name to The Surfaris' "Wipeout")

While they're at it, they might want to scan the operations over at the Crystal Light factory. I'll never forget a couple of years ago, waking up in the morning, and not finding an ice cold pitcher of Pink Lemonade waiting for me. I would crawl up the walls! I've since broken that habit, replacing it with the much less addictive alternatives of cigarette smoking and peanut butter.

Miss Subway: Trained For Beauty

In an effort to keep more New York ladies looking their best, and more New York City men masturbating in public, the MTA has rekindled a 35-year-young tradition of electing a "Miss Subway", a beauty pageant I'm hoping is limited only to Mole People and that dummy made of pantyhose that tangoes in Times Square.

On second thought, why stop there? I think each New York City institution should elect a pretty face to represent it on billboards. Why, there's Miss Empire State Building, Holly Arbuckle! And look, over there, Miss Dead Frozen Homeless Man, Sally Finkleton! Gasp! Could it be?? Ms. Pubic Hair In My Knish, Madelyn Johnson!

New York to Revive Subway Beauty Contests

Celebrity Deathdays

This is a new feature here at YCMIU. Rather than toast the celebrities who were birthed today, I've chosen to honor all those celebs who kicked the proverbial bucket of champagne wishes and caviar dreams today, June 23.

Today's Celebrity Deathdays are:

Maureen O'Sullivan (87)

Jonas Salk (80)

Fleming Danty (43)

Dorothy Dix (92)

Aurania Rouverol (68)

Happy Annual "Kittens In Your Nightmares" Day!

BREAKING NEWS: No Arms and Dangerous

This is exactly the kind of news that makes this unpaid, self-employed job worthwhile.

CNN.com has reported that two inmates, one with a prosthetic foot, the other a fake leg, escaped from a "special needs" prison cell last weekend. (If I had to go to prison, I'd be all for a "special needs" cell, a 4 by 4 concrete dungeon replete with melaleuca oils and hot stone therapy for my "special needs.")

Their names read like the back-up band for some 90 year old fiddle player: William Clay Bohanan, 40, Berl Keith McKinnie, 38, and Billy Leo Potts Jr., 39.

Luckily, two were caught. I'm guessing they forgot to disguise their fake limbs with new shoes or a bandana tied around it, Punky Brewster stilo.

Inmate with prosthetic limb at large

God is in the Freak-tales

Have you ever been noshing on Pringles, when the next thing you know, you find a powdery ranch image of Jesus staring you in the face? Miracle? Coincidence? Chips in a cardboard tube? That's crazy!

Thanks to Freddy, a longtime paranormal junkie and fan of all things totally fucking mad, there is an online documentation of various "Jesus Is In My Oatmeal" sightings.

What is perhaps the craziest is this little optical illusion, which I have posted above. For starters, this is obviously a very loose interpretation of what Jesus looks like. It's more like the result of a sweaty night of passion between Vincent Gallo and Skeletor.

Back to the magic of optics. Freddy instructs:

Concentrate on the four little dots in the middle
of the picture for about 30 seconds.
Then close your eyes and tilt your head back.

Keep them closed...you will see a circle of light.
Continue looking at the circle...

WHAT DO U SEE?

Wait... Wait a minute... Gasp! There it is! Someone with way too much time on their hands!*

Freddies Paranormal Horizons

*Today's winner for the "Pot Calling Kettle Black" Award.

Do You Guys Like Prop Comedy?

Great! (I pull out a gun, and blow my brains out.)

Here's a terrible joke, accompanied by an even worse mp3, read by what I can only guess is an illiterate Italian man.

An Italian in Malta

Beware of Grizzly Hair

Look, if I had a 20 foot turd growing out of my head, I'd want to win an award too, ok?

Man Goes for Guinness Longest Hair Record

Too Soon?

Sigh. Probably.

"So, Are You Nude To The Area?"

A boat carrying 42 African migrants accidentally wound up on the shore of a nude beach in Spain this past Monday.

Telemundo was there to catch all the action, as the exposed bathers approached the heavily clothed Africans to see if they needed help.

One thing that caught my eye was this paragraph, just thrown into the article with no apparent explanation:

The migrants included four babies, including one just 11 days old. A group of bathers was shown gathered around one of the infants, gently counting the fingers on one of its hands and coming up with six.

A six fingered baby! I used to have a history teacher armed with a sixth toe, which she would proudly model for us in a pair of 80 year old Aerosole sandals, the same color as her pasty, blue-lined foot. Looking back, it was probably just an overgrown bunyon, but at the time, this sixth toe was all I had to focus on during painfully dry lessons of Western Expansion (to this day, my least favorite part of American History.)

But a sixth finger! Think of all you could do! You could play a 12 string guitar with ease... Or type 200 words per minute! You could frighten little children away, but then win back their affection by inviting them into your car for some free candy!

Man, what I wouldn't do for a sixth finger.

African Migrants Wind Up on Nude Beach

Breed Between The Fe-Lines

Have you guys checked out the Cat Fancier's Association lately? Anybody? No?

Well, take a deep breath and relax, because I check up on it hourly. It's only three notches away from being my homepage, after the American Idol site and www.BurningBoys.com.

Moving on, check out the Breed of the Day, the Ragamuffin. Not just a cat, the Ragamuffin is also a companion, something to come home to...

When you first see a RagaMuffin from a distance - you will find yourself in awe. There lies a gorgeous, massive cat with large expressive eyes that are just begging for you to come closer. You will not believe its sumptuous color, its soft coat or the substantial size of its body.

Someone break out the hose!! I've already got two of these little guys on backorder, cause I'm freaky like that. I think I'll call one of them "Void" and the other "Filler."

Thanks to C. Peretti for the CFA link.

CFA BREED PROFILE: RAGAMUFFIN

Kitschy Kitschy Cool

Do you know what time it is? 3 blood-curdling shrieks to quittin time!

Leave it to the Lord Co. Center (slogan: Repentance is Futile) to give us this years must have stocking-stuffer, the screaming Jesus clock. (Check out the sound bites they have sampled on the page.)

Now, if someone could only find me a Kvetching Moses watch, we'd be in business.

The Screaming Jesus Clock

Going Down? Into the Ground.

Today is a historic day for aviation enthusiasts. This morning, man's first privately owned rocket made its way into space.

Now, an 89 year old Trinidadian man is finally able to leave his apartment, thanks to a repaired elevator. Newsworthy? Maybe not.

I should add, however, that the man has not left his apartment in eight years. Eight years! I've donated dozens upon dozens of eggs in that time! So while I've been rolling in ovarian dough, this poor man hasn't seen the light of day. Boy will he be embarassed when his kids come looking for him in 20 years!

After Eight Years, Man Takes Elevator to Freedom

Break-In of a Different Elk

This elk really crossed the Finnish line. A toddler was slightly injured as a local Finnish elk busted through his window, crushing the boy's bed, but only scratching his cheek.

The boy's mother knew there was something wrong when she opened up her bedroom door and "was shocked to find the beast in her bed." That's the same way I felt when Gary Sinise decided to surprise me with a post-work "Afternoon Delight."

Close Call for Toddler as Elk Crushes Bed

In a related story, my birthday isn't too far off, gentlemen. Not that I expect you to get me anything.... we've only just met!! But you know what they say: the way to a woman's heart is through her black, corroded lungs.

Genuine Elk Foot Ashtray

Deutschland Uber Crazy: Part Zvei

What's one part "Aww!", three parts "Ha!", and a pinch of Vom? Dogs in lederhosen. Also, huge, middle-aged bosom.

But don't fret lasses! The manufacturers have also made "Dirndls for the bitches." Sigh - at least we know how Snoop Dogg's back-up dancers will look on his latest tour "Better Poon Her Than Later, Hozens."

German Dogs Get Their Own Lederhosen

Deutschland Uber Crazy

Let's start off this beautiful week with a little ditty out of Europe's loveable kitten of a country, Germany.

Locals have been keeping their eyes and bananas peeled in the hopes of catching one lunatic in Berlin.

A camouflage-clad German man wielding a samurai sword attacked at least seven hikers in forests west of Berlin, performing sword tricks before ordering them to leave the woods, police said Friday...

The man pushed two elderly people off their bikes and, flashing his sword, shouted at them to leave the forest. He later tried to drive a young couple out of the woods.

This seems like just the type of enforcement we need here in New York. Imagine how nice Central Park would be without all of those performance artists and elderly people. And babies.

German 'Samurai' on the Loose in Woods Near Berlin

Autopsy in Aisle 7

900 Degrees/ in the Mediterranean Seas
with all the Grand Mommies/
Screaming "Help Me, I'm Dying!"

A solution:

Italy Plans to Keep Old Folks Cool in Supermarkets

Now Say Ahh... Ahh... Ahh!!

Dr. Gigolo at your service. A doctor was fined for convincing a patient that the only way to cure her pelvic pain was playing a little game of "Hide the Medical Sausage".

And I quote:

Hopkinson said the woman told officials that Smith told her massaging her ``trigger points'' would alleviate her pain. Eventually, he said, the therapy involved sexual intercourse.

That is horrible. Totally disgusting. *cough cough* Uch, I think I'm coming down with something. And my luck! I'm going on vacay to Oregon tomorrow!! Hey - wait a minute... (insert smiley faced emoticon here).

Doc Charged State For Patient Sex

Monkey See as Doggie Doo

Michelle's Page of Animal Oddities Continues...

Whiplash, a 17-year-old Capuchin monkey, rides a border collie and herds sheep at the Old Fort Days Rodeo on June 5 in Fort Smith, Arkansas.

Don't worry, I've got the ASPCA on line 7.

A Word From Our Sponsors: Stand-Up Dramedy

Which I believe is just myself? Hello? Am I right?

Just a quick plug: I'm doing stand-up tonight at the reliably funny 8 O'Clock Show at the Boston Comedy Club. It starts at 8, I should be going on at around 9 p.m.

The show is free with a student ID, with a two drink minimum.

The Boston Comedy Club
82 West Third Street
between Sullivan and Thompson

Guilty Cinema: The Boy In the Plastic Bubble

I happened upon this movie a few years ago, during an early morning viewing on Cinemax. And what a goddamn treat.

John Travolta must live in a bubble. And by "bubble", I refer to the plastic shower curtain lazily hung in the middle of his parents' living room. Note how the "bubble" also has a huge open doorway, with a tiny fan blowing out the "germs." How do we know there's a fan? There are three pastel ribbons barely blowing out of the doorway, proving said airflow. Also, Travolta spends the entire movie in a wifebeater and retro basketball shorts, because "ees really haht in dis bubb-le." You don't know the half of it, Johnny!

WARNING: SPOILERS! At one point, Travolta has a great idea - a portable bubble! He maps out a diagram on some lined construction paper with a huge black crayon: It's a stick figure, in a space suit, with a huge box strapped to its back, and a helpful arrow labelling it as a "Battery Pack."

Cut to: The end of the movie where Travolta graduates wearing a 6 foot long oven mitt/lobster costume, and a smart looking mortarboard.

An interesting fact about this movie: The woman playing Travolta's mother, Diana Hyland, was actually his lover in real life for many years. She past away from cancer when J.T. was still in his prime.

On a serious note: I would suggest watching this movie on mute for the first time. The dialogue is genius, but watching these antics with no sound.... there are no words.

Also, the DVD is only $5.99 at Best Buy!! (Possibly because the disc is made of matzah and recycled pickle jars.)

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble