A Word to Friends and Family

Readers,

This blog is coming to a 10,000 hit milestone, hopefully by the end of the weekend.

If you get a moment today, and you're a fan, don't hesitate to send out an e-mail referring people over here or even linking me on your own site (to which I'll return the favor). It's a thrill seeing how many people access the site each day, and like a crack baby to a pipe, it's addictive.

Bright Copper Kettles,
Michelle

More Related News...

Woman In France Fired Over Writing Book Called "Hello Laziness: How to Survive in the French Corporate World Without Doing Any Work"

Anti-Semitic Undertones Land Her Handsome Severance Package

Irvin S. Yeaworth, Jr., director of cult classic "The Blob", is dead at 78.

Rosie O'Donnell Still Alive and Well.

Fat Jokes Deemed "Not Funny" by Angry Fat Guy. Really, they aren't.

Presidential Pets

It's a long story, but something I saw on TV last night had me Googling "Presidential Pets" this morning.

And that's when I discovered the fascinating world of Presidential Pet Names and Breeds. For example, did you know that Teddy Roosevelt had a pet guinea pig named "Father O'Grady"? And while he wasn't toussling about with his wife's spaniel, Emily Spinach, he was probably out playing with his lion, hyena, wildcat, coyote, five bears, two parrots, zebra, barn owl, snakes, lizards, rats, roosters, and raccoon, to name a slew.

Believe it or not, unknown President Rutherford Hayes ended up making a difference in America -- by bringing over the first pair of Siamese Cats. It would be only a few years later when his beloved Chinese kittens would play joke, and put pee-pee in his coke.

Loner James Buchanan wasn't fucking around either: when he wasn't vetoing a bill or causing a Civil War, he could be seen cuddling with his herd of elephants from the King of Siam and playing frisbee with his Bald Eagles.

Want to learn more? Cart yourself over to the Presidential Pet Museum in Lothian, Maryland -- don't forget to swing by the gift shop! Cause I'm not saying I didn't get any meaningful birthday gifts (one can never have enough fart spray), but look at this.

Google Whacking

I'm currently reading a book by comic Dave Gorman called Googlewhack! Adventure, which will be released in September. Googlewhacking is where you plug two words into Google, without using quotes, and receive only one response. That response cannot be a word list, and both words must be in the dictionary.

I've spent the better part of my day trying to find a Googlewhack, and came up empty handed. However, I did find two words that received NO responses from Google. Therefore, I have nominated this very blog to be a Googlewhack. Buckle up!

Sousaphone Mulligatawny

UPDATE: Googlewhacking Mission Accomplished.

Police are searching for a man who has been stealing Port-O-Potties from soccer fields in Indiana. They describe the man as 5'11", mentally ill, and smelling like an airplane toilet. They have also released a picture of the suspect, posted below. Please call 911 with tips.

Just when you think you can't sink lower than Kangaroo Jack...

Cool Baby Names

Above, newborn baby "Custard Poopsalot"

I was in the Strand the other day, aka "8 Miles of Litter Box Liner, Half a Block of Books", when I happened upon a book called "Cool Baby Names." Being about 5 months pregnant with a "food baby" (no doubt the result of my recent obsession with nutty brown rice), I couldn't resist.

What. A. Treat. Why name your child "Nicole" or "Kevin" when "Nyquoile" and "K'Vynne" are available? Why spend your valuable time actually raising your child to be unique, when naming it Unique is so much easier?

Another source for fucking your kid up for good, CoolBabyNames.com, has broken down their cool names by category:

Shakespeare Names
Gems, Minerals and Metal
Sports Names

Wow! I never would have thought I could name my kid after a sports star! Meet my my son Abdul-Jabaar Schwartz. And Shakeseare names?? I can hear the bone-on-bone schoolyard pummeling already.

Some other possible categories:

Entertainment Awards Names: Oscar, Emmy, Golden Globe, Razzie, Palme D'Or.
Feminine Hygiene Product Names: Always, Monistat, Kotex, Vagisil
Euphemisms For Gay Sex Names: Fudgepacker, Turdminer, Asspirate (pronounced Oss-pi-ra-tay), Santorum

You can thank me later.

Kerry On My Wayward Pun

12-year-old Ilana Wexler may not be a household name (save for her own, where word has it she's up for Homecoming Queen of her home-schooled class, population: Ilana Wexler). But it looks like her popularity is on the rise.

Deeming the Spelling Bee Circuit too "bloodthirsty", tiny Ilana, clad in a purple cardigan and humongous red Jewfro, has chosen the road less mudslung: politics.

She's already started a website, Kids For Kerry, which aims at taking money pre-teens normally use for pornagraphy, drugs and abortions and applying it to a better cause - helping John Kerry get to the White House (Amen).

Her hard work has paid off. Ilana was asked to speak at the Democratic National Convention in Boston this week, and brought the crowd to their feet. On Dick Cheney:

When our vice president had a disagreement with a Democratic senator, he used a really bad word. If I said that word, I would be put in a timeout. I think he should be put in a timeout.

BOOYA! In your face, Dick! Put that mutha-fucka in a time-muthafuckin-OUT! I am standing on my feet and clapping as I write this.

What's in store for Ilana's future? After growing out of her "awkward phase", she'll wait around for approx. 10 years to find a man that likes her for "her brains." She'll sleep on a mattress made of money, and will undoubtedly be more successful than me.

Sidenote: Why isn't Jaleel White running for Senate? He could take Obama to school. Two times.

Front and Back Note: Yes, I am fully aware the title makes no sense. K My A.

Michelle's Wallpaper Suggestion No. 426

Sorry about lack of postings today. I'm extremely busy planning a three week trip to the French Riviera.

Did I say French Riviera? I meant rehab. I'm busy planning a trip to rehab.

Forever yours, Jay Kaye.

My Celebrity Lineage

This morning brought on a grand discovery, a website called Who's My Daddy, where the famous lineage of many popular celebrities is exposed, thusby negating their so-called "talent" and allowing us to wallow in the pleasure of their undeserved fame.

Well, I'm not one to brag, but if offering up my own celebrity lineage increases my chance at fame, then I guess I'm left with no other choice.

So here it is. I am the child of Julie Newmar and Bootsy Collins. It's true. Not many people are aware of their brief but fruitful romance. I am all too aware. Their fame cloaks me in a shadow of doubt: Do I deserve this wealth? This mansion, this champagne fountain, paid by three parts soul, one part funk and a couple of catwoman costumes? Who are my real friends? Do they like me for me, or are they just out for some of my Bootsy-licious fortune and fame?

Point being, if any of you casting directors or literary agents out there want to get your hands on some priceless pop-culture DNA, please contact me.

[Link via Gawker via Chicha]

Most Satisfying Headline of the Day Award

'SEACREST' OUT IN SOME MARKETS

Above, a little celebrity math: Seacrest + wig + drug addiction = Farrah Fawcett

All The Chubbies in the House Say Glut

Believe it or not, there are some things so tasteless even I won't blog about them.

This item walked that very line, but like an obese man on a tightrope, lost its balance, and here it is.

Italy held their annual Ms. Chubby contest this week, and crowned its winner with a tiara made from sausage links and Sno-Caps. Giovanna Guidoni, weighing in at 416 pounds, literally took the cake, becoming 2004's official Miss Cicciona (which translates to "Uch, God. No, Really, I Feel Sick.")

Fat jokes aside (of beef), did you know that there are forums online promoting anorexia? Pro-Ana sites are springing up all over the net, instructing girls on how not to eat, what diets really keep your weight below 85 pounds, and listings for upcoming auditions. Also of note, this twig, this wall, and flies fucking. Somehow all more interesting than anorexics.

Gift Guide

What do you get the Courtney Love who has everything?

Howsabout this I Had an Abortion t-shirt?

I bet my mom wishes she had one.

Subway Outta Line

I was 30 minutes late to work this morning, thanks to some electrical problems at Chambers Street.

Subway Announcer: The train is being held at the station.

I think: Mmmm... I bet it's nice being held at the station.

If anything in this city needs a little TLC, it's the subway. A home/bathroom to many a gypsy and tramp, littered with garbage, hitting a person now and again... these things can be very traumatic for a train. All it needs is to be held a little while.

But please. Not on a Monday morning during rush hour.

I'm not sure if you guys were aware or not, but Sunday nights on Turner Classic Movies is Silent Sunday Cinema. A friend of mine and I tuned in. Maybe because the only other options were "The Abyss" (love) and "All I Want For Christmas" (LOVE!), both epics in their own right, but movies I know all too well.

The movie was called "Safety Last" (I chuckle as I type), starring the adorable antics of Harold Lloyd as "The Boy" and some floozy as "The Floozy". Most of you are probably aware of the famous picture of some old timey guy hanging off of a clock, a still taken from this movie.

Please, for all that is sacred, try your best to get a copy of this film. I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard. Some clips: An officer named STUBBS, a drunk caught in a volleyball net, and physical comedy that makes Robert Benigni look like Al Gore! (a very wooden political figure, for those of you not aware.)

Perhaps the only cringe-enducing scenes involved overly racist stereotypes: a Black servant who looked absolutely possessed, and a Jewish jewelery dealer whose greedy hand rubbing and blackened teeth made The Passion of the Christ look like Shoah. But for a movie made in 19-tickety-two, it didn't come as that big of a surprise.

For more info, check out this CNN article about Lloyd, as well as a recent biography written about him.

A Matter of Knife and Death

Those wacky Japanese are at it again! This time, a clothing company has created knife-proof clothing to protect Japan's schoolchildren from the likes of blade-wielding day-glo vampires thirsty for that sweet salty-eye-brine, or something like that. Those Japanese. Are Pretty. Wacky.

Sign of the Times: Knife-Resistant Garb for Kids

Global Heart Warming

Let's start the morning off on the wrong foot, shall we? It's raining outside, it's dreary, I've got a stool-load of work to do, and I'm pretty sure I'm out of tampons. Bodily functions aside, my hair looks terrific. And I'm covered in strange dog hair (I don't own a dog).

SO! Rather than delve immediately into "funny" stories about dogs dressed like ambulance drivers and monkeys on rollerskates, let us warm our hearts instead.

First off, an ex-crack addict and homeles man has donated $10,000 to an art gallery. After receiving a large inheritance from his deceased mother (which reminds me, I need to call Aaron Spelling to reschedule our "date"), the newly rich ex-convict wanted to express his gratitude to the gallery after they allowed him to sleep in their doorway, no doubt while gallery owners sold canvases covered in black and white shit-smears for hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Ex-Crack Addict Gives $10K to Art Gallery

Also, a divorced American soldier fresh from the sandpits of Iraq has struck gold in the Assachusettes lottery, winning $200,000 a year for life. He plans on spending the money on "his kids' college education and [all the whores and booze money can buy.]"**

**Actual quote: Getting himself out of bankruptcy, but c'mon, we all know what that's code for.

Soldier Home From Iraq Strikes It Rich In Lottery

Finally, in keeping with the theme of "money", we have Zoot Money, pictured below. I don't know what this guy's famous for, but somethin' tells me it has a lot to do with baby-makin' music.

EMOTICONS THAT WOULD COME IN HANDY
WHILE MESSAGING MY FRIENDS FROM THE OFFICE

;<>    I’m Tired

:>I     I’m Bored

8(       Ivy League Degree of No Use in Real World

>:)      I Just Farted In My Cubicle

&:(     No New Jobs on MonsterTrak

8X      Just Got Ovarian Cancer From Xerox Machine Overload

>:u)    Went To The Bathroom, Didn't Wash My Hands,
            and Rubbed Them All Over My Boss's Keyboard

:u)      Office Hot Guy Passing Through

:U)     Office Hot Gay Guy Passing Through

X*0    Just Spoken To Like Retarded Third Grader, 
           Having Mini Panic Attack at How Cruel God Is

1: i      Cig Break

8^D    Just Stole $64.25 Worth of Supplies

:v(      One Sec, I'm On 2 Hour Long Distance Call to
            Half-Dead Aunt in Boca Raton

:u*)    Boss Has Food on Cheek, Can't Tell Her

:*<     Severed My Finger Fixing Copy Machine

:v()     Took Pregnancy Test In Office Bathroom Stall,
             Came Back Positive,  Have To Pretend Nothing is
             Wrong While I Try to Figure Out How to
             Support Unwanted Baby on Grossly Underpaid Salary

;?        I Think I Have Autism

:u>     I Need a Snack

A Whole Lotta Glove

A Tyson's Chicken worker is saying "Oh, THAT'S where I left it!" this morning, after an Ohio family discovered a chicken breast stuffed into a white glove inside a bag of frozen chicken. The embarrassed company has offered the family a double refund on their chicken and some chicken coupons. Just what they wanted, I'm sure. 8 dollars and some coupons.

What is wrong with America? Whenever something goes nauseatingly wrong with a food product, the response is always giving the customer coupons for more of that product! GENIUS MOVE, a-holes.

I was once a victim of playing "One Of These Things Doesn't Belong" with a packaged food product. During a brief and unsuccessful tryst with the Atkins diet, I developed a hankering for Reddi-Whip (not to be confused with S&M's favorite accessory Ready Whip). One afternoon, following a delectable main course of hotdogs and cheese, I decided to indulge my sweet tooth in some babykiller from a can. I squeeze out a particularly lovely-looking floret on the back of my hand, when I notice a black line against the white backdrop. I mush down the whip with my finger to discover a black hair came out from the can. A BLACK HAIR! And not just any middle-eastern/Greek looking hair... this hair was coarse, and unlike any human hair I had ever seen. Why, I think I found a cow hair in my Reddi-Whip!

I am on the Reddi Hotline before you can say "Lactose Intolerant." Thankfully, my situation did cause quite a stir on the other end. I was transferred to the manager, who gave me his usual "I-Can't-Believe-That-Happened-To-You" Response. I hung up the phone, convinced that I'd soon be rolling in the Reddi-Whip fortune they were sure to send me to keep me from talking to the press.

As promised, an envelope came approx. 3 months later. I tore it open to discover..... COUPONS. Coupons for more Reddi-Whip. WHAT THE FUCK. AM I GONNA DO. WITH MORE COUPONS. FOR A PRODUCT. FULL OF COW HAIRS? I ask you.

And don't even REMIND me of that time I found a pube in my Red Pepper Hummus. (true story.)

List Off

Quick Link:

McSweeney's Lists, a great way to kill time.

To get started, check out this list, on of my faves:

What I Found in My Two-year-old Sons Playroom

KY Jellyfish

Researchers have discovered the latest cure for male impotency: JELLYFISH!

Wait wait wait. Do they mean jellyfish from the sea? Or Jellyfish, the none-hit-wonder band from 1994?

Other previously unknown cures discovered by "researchers":

Tazer Gun to Scrotum

Jalepeno Juice Round Anus

Ingesting Liquid Drano

Cutting Off of Penis

Jellyfish could hold cure for male impotency: Australian researcher

BREAKING!

Michael Jackson prepares for upcoming gangbang.

Spare Parts

1. A friend of mine just got a new job. His supervisor's name is Storey Twogood. Do you think if he got married to Irma Swearit, his announcement would read "Engagement: Storey Twogood to Miss I. Swearit"?

2. A man eats his 20,000th Big Mac, maintains weight at 170. I once saw Marc Jacobs walking out of the Canal Street Mickie Deez (nuts), and was flabbergasted. But all my faggy friends tsk tsked, reminding me that "Honey, what do you think those models kiki on for lunch? One Big Mac a day bitch, that's it. Werque." (Seriously word for word.) I took them up on this scheme, and look at me now. (apologies to Phyllis Diller in advance.)

3. I truly believe that if I ate enough Toblerone, I'd poop triangular.

4. My friend Lang and I were in England, and came up with a grand invention: sheep shoes. Not just your everyday Ugg-lies, but actually strapping yourself onto two live sheep, and basking in their woolly growth while they cart you around. Then I see this. Thieves!




5. Like the site? Aww - you're the best! Now e-mail it to your friends, you son-of-a-bitch. Colon right parenthesis ad infinitum.

Will Fried Bull's Testicles Be A Hit?

This Guy: A Fan

Ahh, yes. A question for the ages.

Apparently, some restaurant owners took a break from fucking their sisters just long enough to stir up some controversy, in the form of a fried bull's ball.

"Bull Fries," the idiotic euphemism that catches the eye of every midwestern gastronome, has become a sensation at the portable "Potato Hut" in Valentine, Nebraska. Overheard at the stand:

Patron: Yeah, what in the hell are them there... (pauses to read) Boooll F-f-fries? Bull Fries?
Owner: Fried bull's balls.
Patron: What?
Owner: Bull's balls. Testicles. Moe and Larry. Balls.
Patron: Wha- what!? You gotta be kiddin me! That is disgusting! You are outta line, sir! (pause) Good God! (pause) I'll take 12.

The good news? They're cholesterol free. The bad news? They're balls.

The worse news? According to the owner: "We also add our own, secret, special spices." That is exactly what my first baby daddy said to me 6 years ago. It did the trick then, and it's also kind of doing it now.

The Official Crotch Shot of the 2004 Presidential Election

 
Below: The Official Crotch Shot of My Sick Twisted Mind



(If I were Chinese, this title would be so much dirtier.  And more racist?)

Cheesed To Meet You, Ociffer.

A drunkard in Tennessee who was clearly "feta"-p with the law, decided to strip his clothes off till he was completely "gouda" and cover himself in "cheese."
 
The man, disoriented and incoherent, had the gooey substance in his hair, on his face and shoulders, and was described as tall, tan, and not completely unlike Ray "Romano" or Barry "Parmesian".  According to police, while the look was unusual, it was a nice compliment to this "crazy-ass cracka."
 
Aaaaaaaaaaand I'm done. 
 
Police Arrest Cheese Covered Naked Man

World War I Claims Another Victim

 
Sometimes hobbies can get the best of you.  A World War I memorabilia collector was blown to bits this weekend while showing off his missile collection.  It is still unknown if his last words were "Yo, dis shit is da BOMB."
 
Such a shame these "explosions" have to happen in small towns in Italy, versus during a taping of Antiques Roadshow.   I love the Roadshow, but not the antics of those two crafty doopplegangers that go by the names of Leslie and Leigh Keno.  Damn those Keno twins.  I don't trust you guys for a second. 
 
Side Note:  Can't you just hear Steven Wright reading the title?

Side Note Deux:  Relax.  I'm obviously going to have a bomb blow up in my face in T minus 5 years.

Smart Like a Fox

 

Fox steals newspapers. 
 
Still denies stealing lame half-assed reality show ideas.

Stereotypes for Sale!

 

Not to get all Jay Leno on your ass, but CNN.com posted this headline yesterday:

Same-Sex Marriage Fight Not Over

That is too sad. I wonder what they were fighting about? It probably went a little something like this:

Dylan:   Honey! Where did you put my feathered ass tickler?
Frank:   I don't know, sweetheart, you were the last one to use it!
Dylan:   No, you were. But that's pretty typical... You blaming me for things.
Frank:   Well, the person blamed is usually the one responsible.
Dylan:   Oh, like how I blamed you for us losing our adoption bid because you were   too busy nursing... a serious coke habit!
Frank:   What can I say? I love carbonation!

(They laugh, embrace, pull out long, pink chiffon hankies and take dramatic bows in front of their audience, made up largely of myself and no one else. I clap wildly, the little curtain in my brain drops dramatically, and I head to the theater bathroom to drop a deuce.)

And to make this post truly unbearable, take a gand at above pic.

MICHELLE'S EMMY PICKS

HOT OFF THE PRESSES!!! It’s Emmy Nomination time, so here are my winner picks in some of the hottest categories. Call your bookie and reserve that MacLaren, cause the dough will be a-rollin' in shortly. On to our first HOT category:

Outstanding Single-Camera Sound Mixing
For A Miniseries Or A Movie

Angels In America
Lee Dichter, Re-Recording Mixer

Horatio Hornblower
Rudi Buckle, Production Sound Mixer

Ike: Countdown To D-Day
Alan Decker, Re-Recording Mixer

Traffic: The Miniseries
Eric Batut, Production Sound Mixer

OH SNAP!! I cannot believe they snubbed The Reagans’ sound recordist (and on-set hottie) Sylvain Arseneault!!! It’s amazing how Hollywood politics effect these nominations. Amazing and sickening, America.

WINNER: I’m gonna have to go with Horatio Hornblower’s Rudi Buckle. I'm sure all the HORNBLOWING made the job a thankless chore. Imagine the headaches! So a Toot Toot to you, Mr. Buckle!

Outstanding Choreography

2003 Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon
Jason Samuels Smith, Choreographer

MADtv
Monie Adamson, Choreographer

Malcolm In The Middle
Fred Tallekson, Choreographer

Smucker's Stars On Ice 2004
Christopher Dean, Choreographer
Jamie Isley, Choreographer

This is a close one. The Smucker’s Stars on Ice was a doozy of a time… I’d never seen jam, well, JAM like that!!*

*(I’ve just killed myself) But I’m gonna have to give it to:

WINNER: 2003 Jerry Lewis Telethon. Those sick kids can really cut a rug! And really, breakdancing on crutches? Kids with one good leg, and 3 shitty minutes to live hoofin’ it? Mr. Lewis, you’ve done it again.

Outstanding Music Composition For A
Miniseries, Movie Or A Special

Dance In America: Lar Lubovitch's "Othello"
Elliot Goldenthal, Composed by

Eloise At Christmastime
Bruce Broughton, Music by

Fallen Angel (Hallmark Hall Of Fame Presentation).
Ernest Troost, Music by

Helter Skelter
Mark Snow, Composer

The Nazi Officer's Wife
Sheldon Mirowitz, Music by

Not to get too political on you guys, but are we STILL nominating Nazi Officer’s Wives for Emmy’s?? America, you should be ashamed of yourself.

CONFESSION TIME: I didn’t see any of these shows.

WINNER: Fine, give it to the Nazi Officer’s Wife. She may hate black, jews, gypsies and the like, but I hear she has the voice of an angel on high.

So there you have it, readers! My Emmy picks for 2004. And stay tuned for my Emmy Technical Awards Wrap-Up!! I know how you people love your wrap-ups.

Ebay Find of the Day

Hoof Trimmers. You want them. You need them. Why? Because:

Show season is here! The county fair is right around the corner! Get motivated & treat your animals to a well deserved MANICURE with clean, trimmed hooves!

Also, who knew there were so many damn dairy goat breeds out there? My Nigerian Dwarf's hooves are shameful! Time for a pedi party!

Love to Hate

Stan Laurel + Meth = Make-up smeared nightmare.

OK, now I know this is a cheap shot. Courtney Love jokes? Blech, no thanks!

Howeveh, you gotta admit, this picture is pretty darned cute. Aww, Court! Why so sad? You've just been assigned a legal tard-ian (a move that is sure to make little Francis Beane jealous). Chin up! With your raging drug and alcohol addicition, you'll be dead before you know it.

And I won't even touch upon Love's birthday abortion... although I guess I just did... so, in that case, Happy 40th! Abortion? Probably.

CNN "BUZZ"!!!

CNN has just broken some Hollywood "BUZZ": Quentin Tarantino and Sofia Coppola are an item!

Hey, fuckfaces: This shit was reported over 2 months ago. Why don't you go the whole nine tards and break the news that the Earth is round and Oscar Wilde is gay.

(pause)

Oscar Wilde's gay?!?!

Man Buys Baby Oil to "Polish His Sword"

OK, not quite, but close. In what will be one of the few posts relating to "nerds" (sorry, this guy), a member of the Insular Order of the Druids was arrested in England for shopping in a store with a three-foot long sword (or "spell-casting weapon").

Merlin Michael Williams arrived in Court with his lawyer, King Arthur Pendragon (who was wearing a white robe with red lion print) to defend his case. The King tried to clear things up:

(laughing) Your Honor, we are simply Druidian Masters of Our Universe. You understand! (shaking head back and forth) If we don't carry our swords, we might be attacked by Knights of the Dark Army. (More laughter) It's as simple as that! (Walks back to chair, trips on robe.)

Again, not quite, but close.

'Merlin' Tried for Shopping With Sword

Tastes Like Baby Foot

Some "crafty" worker in Durham, North Carolina caused a stir the other day, by placing a "baby's foot" in a box of frozen chicken. By "baby's foot", I mean a shaped lump of dough. And by "crafty", I mean twisted bored-at-work lunatic (read: me). That's not nearly as bad as when I found a bronzed baby shoe in my Lean Pocket (and, no, that is not a euphemism for my vagina).

This brings to mind a story my parents told me of this idiot woman in Long Island they used to know. My parents were invited over for a dinner party, and on the menu was some Shake N' Bake chicken. When they bit into the breaded pieces, there was no chicken inside. The woman had just shaped the mix into the shapes of chicken legs and baked it. True story. But knowing my parents in the 70s, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a little baked herself.

Horns a Plenty

Good morning, readers. I don't know who these people are, but I dig their style. Braces, boots, cazh yet classy.

Frankenstein Sad

OK, it's not Frankenstein. It's Tarzan. And he's lost his tiger.

But be honest -- if Frankenstein were some backwater shitkicker in Florida, this would be him.

It should be noted that this actor also starred in a movie called Blood Freak, about a giant monster turkey that tracks down and kills drug dealers.

Also of interest, this list of circus animals that have mauled people and escaped from their cages. Pretty humorous.

Random TV Thoughts

Where to begin?

So, I caught ALF's new talk show on TV Land yesterday. Now, I was a rabid ALF fan as a girl. Melmac, 40 stomachs, the whole thing.

I catch this new show of his, and I want to kill myself. I mean, is ALF this desperate for cash? Shouldn't he be giving handjobs in back alleys like the other 80's has-beens? And the jokes(!): "Call me crazy, but shouldn't Different Strokes be a hospital drama?" OMG. 17 years too late and not funny then.

Speaking of strokes, did the original voice of ALF have one? Because surely this imposter who is anally probing the puppet's shell as we speak is not the original. It's like how Mel Blanc's son is the new voice of Bugs Bunny, and it sounds like Fran Drescher with Parkinsons? IT CREEPS. ME OUT.

And the cameos?! Henry Winkler (sporting a very smart gingham shirt, btw) saunters on stage for 2 milliseconds, says nothing, and leaves. WASTE.

The saddest part? I'd kill to be part of their writing team. I'm a famewhore!

Next up, the Black Starz network. I just don't really understand how they choose their programming.

I thought the point was to show movies that feature Black actors with themes that have an impact in the African-American community.

Well, last night, at midnight, Ridley Scott's 1979 thriller Alien was on. You know, that movie with all those black actors and themes? Alien??

I just wonder what logic prompts the Black Starz programming department... Is it because black people feel Alien-ated in the Starz community? And, in that case, isn't it insulting that the movie on right after Alien was called Malibooty? Its description reads:

Beach bummer with hip-hop stars E-40, Sticky Fingaz and Bad Azz making waves and frolicking with babes seaside. Brian Hooks costars. Written and directed by Barry Bowles. Also known as “Boogie Beach Bash.”

(I swear to god, TVGuide.com me on this.)

Just things I think about.

And it's Vaginal Tear for the Gold!

You guys familiar with Olympian Misty Hyman?

No?

She qualified this past weekend, leading prelim times in the 200 Butterfly at the Olympic Qualifiers. Other winners include Loose-Lips AssEntire, Glory "Hole" Phillups, and Sounds "Like Something" Dirty.

Move Over Metallica

There's a new death metal band in town.

HATEBEAK. Their lead singer? A parrot. Description:

The music is furious and blasting death metal, grinding riffs, pounding drums and crushing bass. Only, the usual cookie monster grunts are replaced by the evil squawks of Waldo the parrot.

The saddest part?

Waldo can't really handle loud sounds (death metal included) and records his 'vocals' separately, so Hatebeak will sadly remain a studio only project.

SHIT! I was pah-lanning on getting Ah-Waldo to perform at my Bas Mitzvah, but I'm kind of well known for my raucous candle-lighting ceremonies, so it's a no-go. I guess I'll just have to rely on 50 Shekel. Or Kid Kosher.




[Hatebeak brought to you via Blogmonkey]

You Know What They Say About a Man with Big Feet...

...He must be 8 foot 4 inches tall.

Leonid Stadnik, a Ukrainian veterinarian and walking freak show, has been getting a lot of attention recently. This shy giant can thank his German cousin, "who asked to be identified only as Volodymyr" (b.t.dubs, loved him in Lord of the Rings), for all the media attention.

Seems his cousin invited him out to Baden Baden for a little R and R, which included sleeping on a billiards table and getting stoned by the locals. The media frenzy continued as the giant received a call from John Tesh, aka the Prime Minister of Planet Xedinon, who spoke in a series of whistles, clicks and beeps. "He invited me to his ranch," Stadnik reported, post-hang-up. "He's the handsomest man in America."

Seriously, is it any wonder this guy is a giant? Judging by that pic of his mother, he clearly got 6 times more breast milk than the other Ukrainian babies. I mean, seriously.

Tallest Man Benefits From Press

George Michaelangelo

So much talent goes unnoticed on the internet. Check out these skillfully rendered portraits of Sir George Michael. The resemblance is uncanny. Whatever you do, do NOT donate these sketches to the homeless come Thanksgiving time -- THAT'S HOW UN-CANNY THEY ARE!

Sigh. It's been a hard day at work.

Sea Gull Fly, Sea Gull Crash

Lots of hot seagull action in the news. Let's get right to it.

For beginners, a seagull in Turkey (smirk) lost his leg to an ugly case of gangrene. The solution? Attaching a goddamn Barbie leg with a hand as a foot in its place.

Promise if you go to the site, you'll watch the video.

Seagull Gets Artificial Leg Made Of Barbie Doll Parts


Next, in an article chock full of quotable quotes, a man flying an airplane full of mail needed 20 stitches to the face after a seagull crashed through his window. Some of the nominees:

"I said, `Hey, am I bleeding?'" Griffing said. "He said, `Yeah.'"

His injuries appeared worse because he was covered with blood from the deceased seagull.

And the winner:

"I love it," Griffing said. "I don't like getting hit in the face, but I love it."

Pilot Injured When Gull Flies Into Plane


Finally, pelicans who break their necks and deserve it. Pobracitos.

Pelicans mistake Arizona asphalt for lakes

My Mother's Favorite Joke

Above, a picture of a grieving Mr. Bolanos

A blind man walks past a fish store, tips his hat, and says "Evenin' Ladies!"

She's a classy broad, and since I was 10, if a fishy odor has ever wafted by our nose-trils, you can pretty much guarantee an "Evenin' Ladies" comment to be made within 2.6 milliseconds.

In a related story, Roy Bolanos, a man who lost 40 pounds of Hallibut at an Alaskan airport, can finally sleep easy tonight. Stewardesses couldn't help but over-smelling the rotting fish, which was strewn hither and tither neath the baggage conveyor belt.

In another related story, I've just barfed all over myself.

Odor May Be Clue to Missing Airport Fish

Thanks...

...to everyone for all the birthday cheer. I owe ya'll.

Happy Girthday

Yes, that is me as a child. A small, Asian, adorable child.

But I've blossomed. Into a tall, Jewish, highly-sensitive/high-strung adult. So come celebrate along with the best people New York has to offer. And, according to sources, I will be receiving 23 "titty-twisters" in honor of the big day. (Thanks Adam.)

Sweet and Vicious, 5 Spring Street, July 9, 9:30 p.m. and on.

No blogging tomorrow, as I'm getting a full body wax and a trim.

Hot D.C. Man-Love

Homophobe-Du-Jour (read: huge gay) Matt Drudge has uncovered the touchy-feely underbelly of the Democratic ticket: Kerry and Edwards can't keep their hands off each other!

I can only imagine how Kerry asked Edwards to run for VP...

Eddy is in the locker room before the big game. Wearing 70's basketball shorts that leave little to the imagination, he reaches into his gym bag to find a tiny folded up note:

Do You Like Me? Circle Yes or No. xoxo J.K.

Aww. I think it's sweet! And a good political move. They can pretty much guarantee they'll be getting the vote from this guy:

Police and No Thank You

Producer Paul Maslansky is putting the "Po" in "Police", by announing plans for an eighth installment to the Academy franchise, and, therefore, publicly declaring his financial and intellectual bankruptcy.

OK, now I love Steve Guttenberg as much as the next gal (I wish I was kidding. Tom Bergeron, call me!), but really... do we need an EIGHTH installment (insert infinite amount of alternating question marks and excalamtion points here.)

Looking at Guttenberg's rich cinematic legacy (which includes a movie called P.S. Your Cat Is Dead, and p.s., I'm not kidding), it boggles the mind to think he would stoop this low.

Because, let's be serious, as "funny" as the series is, it's really nothing more than a string of female recruits in wet t-shirt contests, and the fellas getting attacked by german shephards.

On second thought, this movie may very well rake in millions upon millions of dollars. Hey, at least we'll get another generous helping of Michael Winslow! He can sound like a robot!!

Hail That Taxidermy!

A friend of mine attended the funeral of his grandmother in Wisconsin. And in the basement of the funeral home was a Taxidermy Museum.

Yes, people. A Taxidermy Museum in a funeral home. Not just stuffed animals, mind you, but dead animals involved in scenes! Look, an albino squirrel in drag! I wish grandma were alive to see this...

Some other ideas for funeral home museums:

Grandma's Rotting Shoe Collection

Uncle Barry's Moldy Candy Corner

The Museum of Grandpa's Secret Porn Stash

RODENTS AT PLAY

BABY ALLIGATORS IN CLASS

The Jail Cell of Your Mind

I have no excuse. I spent the entirety of the morning shopping the clearance section and laughing at outfits un, due, tre, then buying a couple of things which shall remain nameless.

Your minds must be aching from boredom.

Why don't you check out these two cartoons. Their melodies are sure to grab the lyrics to "This Is The Song That Never Ends", and kick its puny, repetitive ass all over jingle town.

Lions and Tigers in Kenya

Banana Phone

UPDATE: It should be noted that blood was obviously not travelling to my brain today. The clothing website I refer to above is Newport News. And, yes, I really did buy stuff from there.

Unfortunate Headlines Continued

This Saturday, I took a moment out of my busy tanning shedyule to check-in on the latest headlines at CNN.com.

Under the Entertainment heading:

MARLON BRANDO DIES AT 80

ERNEST BORGNINE STILL HORSING AROUND

Absolute genius. While one overweight Hollywood legend drops dead, another will still beg you to "pull his finger" at dinner parties.

What Dreams May Come

The New York Post has erred on the part of moron today, declaring Dick Gephart as Kerry's nominee, when it was announced this morning that in fact John Edwards will be his running mate.

The Post, never one for sensational journalism, is definitely sticking its head in the sand this morning. But this cover got me to fantasizing (as I often do) about other fake nominees I'd like to see make the headlines.

Firstly and lastly, it would have to be Cuba Gooding, Jr. He's handsome, he's winning, and he'd be the first black man and black actor to ever make it to the White House (take that, Will Smith!)

And poor Cuba. He's been in a string of bombs post-Oscar win, including playing a hetero/homo cruise dweller in Boat Trip, and a straight-up retard in Radio. (Please click on link. Trust me.) He's one Kabbalah bracelet away from being declared an official has-been. He needs this.

Actually, I'm not totally against John Edwards. Maybe he can channel the spirit of Ladybird Johnson and get her top secret recipe for "Trout and About Casserole", which sources say she took with her to the grave.

Inna-You-Endo

See you if you can sense a theme to this post.

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Bratwurst of Times. South Florida.com's "Celebrity News" column (WTF??) brings us word that local Wisconsin shitkickers are aiming to beat a Guinness World Record by creating a 40 foot long Bratwurst. They are also hoping to claim the title of "World's Stinkiest Fart."

Also, for those of you out there who love "knobs", especially in the "back door", there's the Brass Knob and Back Door Warehouse.

Finally, Rasputin's Penis. It's work safe, but not nightmare safe.