Get the Gist

4Serena Williams Makes Me Sadiator. [via Whatevs]

4World's Largest Laundromat is Gone-dromat.

4Man with Large Penis Added to West Wing Roster.

4A Million to Juan: In Berlin, Some Can't Bear to Be Behind Bars.

4Dave Matthews Can't Shit His Way Out of a Paper Bag.

4Legally Blind 3: The Woman in a Van with a Plan (To Crash Into Your House).

4Coming to a Fox Network Near You: Be the Next Queen of Swaziland!

4Carly Patterson doesn't know what the word "Resurgence" means. Chances are she also doesn't know what "menstrual cycle" means either. (And no, it's not a medieval song and dance man on a bike.)

4A horse and a moose... more than just "friends"? Ask their daughter, why dontcha.

Because It Had To Be Done

Tropical Strom Gaston Pushes South Carolina Around and Shows the Coastline What a Big Man He is.

Today's 90% Animal Edition

4In a sure sign of the Apocalypse, a dog has given birth to a kitten. This will be the most shocking story until 8 months from now, when the Devil will give birth to a Popple.

4Zoo-Loft Prescription: It's good to know it's not just us intelligencia getting panic attacks. First, scientists have discovered a way to calm anxious sheep in England: Show them picture of other sheep. One exception to the rule was when Wooley, a female sheep, was shown a picture of Drake, her philandering, no-good, two-timing husband of hers, and immediately exploded.

4Also, Feili, a Chinese Chimp, has taken to spitting at visitors and chain smoking after becoming sexually frustrated during her failed attempt at finding a compatible mate. Hey, Feili, a "friend" of mine wants me to tell you that you should try chewing on ice and finger-plucking arm-hairs to get you through those lonely times. My "friend" also really likes to macrame. Needlepoint's not so bad either.

4Matt Damon's Uncle becomes oldest man to swim English Channel at 70. Matt Damon becomes the most famous nephew of anyone who ever swam the English Channel... Sources now tell me that actor Keith Coogan's, aka Kenny from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Uncle has, in fact, swum the English Channel. All I have to say to Matty D. is "Um, Mrs. Crandell? Mom's home."


Keith says "Thanks for mentioning me on your blog!! xoxo KC"

4So the Olympics are over. Who needs them! Savor these clips from the Animal Olympics. ... Speaking of animals, did you see Carly Patterson at the MTV Music Awards yesterday? When the camera panned across the Olympic faces, it went straight from Patterson's SJP-like lionface straight to 6'2" Kerri Walsh's crotch. That, friends, makes me laugh.

4Finally, Jaws in 30 Seconds, as interpreted by animated bunnies. [via Thighs]

And to complete the animal theme...

I'm So Angry, If I Were an Actress, I'd be Livid Tyler.

Looks like the Korean Army will have an opening in approx. 10 days ago.

The funniest thing happened to me this weekend. I was eating chinese food out of a bucket, using shoe horns as chopsticks (all my utensils were dirty), and finished it off with a satisfying crack of a fortune cookie. My fortune read:

Do something with your goddamn life and get a new motherfucking job, Dickhead.

As you can imagine, this really hit home. And how they knew my middle name was beyond me. I threw my horn-spoons aside and sidled up next to my computer. It was time for some good ol-fashioned "Job Hunting", which will somehow involve me shooting a fat kid in the face because I thought he was a delicious buffalo. That last sentence was an imaginative metaphor describing my life, where good intentions always screw me over. My looking for a better job will undoubtedly end with me whoring myself to Republican Delegates on the corner of "Steamed Elderly Crotch Ave." and "Conservatives Like Snuff Films? Way", because I need some extra cash.

The journey begins. A few tippety-taps on my keyboard on LukeWarmJobs.com, and I've already found a great opportunity. A major cosmetics corporation (rhymes with "Flayvon") is looking for someone to be a cosmetics tester. Cut to me, three months from now, my cheeks permanently tinted the hot new shade "Rosacia", and my eyelids infected with a nasty case of "ocular herpes."

Undeterred, I continue looking. Time Warner Cable is looking for an "Abuse Coordinator". I like it already. Can you imagine coordinating abuse?!

OK, Jimmy, you're on orphaned children today. I want to see tears, I want to see welts. You've been slacking lately. Nancy, you got nursing home duty. You wanna raise, I want more bedsores, simple as that. Johnny B! Where'vya been all my life. Putcha undershirt on, Stumpy, you got wife patrol. You know the drill. (Exhales long, satisfied sigh, while placing another huge black "X" on "Puppies in Baskets" calendar.)

Frustration sets in, and I lose it. I begin applying for jobs willy nilly, throwing my qualifications and fine college degree to the wind. Hmm... Chairman of Sotheby's? Alright! Marketing Coordinator for NAMBLA? What's NAMBLA? WHO. CARES. Alls I know is, something's gotta give. In a real way, not a fake Keaton-Nicholson vomitous way.

And as a prize for getting through that insane rant, I give you this.

Artsy Fartsy

See if you can sense a theme in today's com-post...


4A janitor at the Tate Modern in London accidentally discarded a "bag of trash" that was actually a part of an exhibit. When asked how he could make such a silly mistake, the plebian responded, in a heavy cockney accent, "We-ew, it was a trash bag, yeh? It had pizza and soda cans in it. Trash, yeh? You'll have to pardon me, sir, I don't have a formoow edju-cayshun. I was just doin me job."

The best part by far:

Although the bag was later rescued, it had been damaged and Metzger had to replace it with another one.

His superiors warned the janitor to be careful of some of the other exhibits, such as "13 Actual Rotting Corpses" and "Steaming Pile of My Dung". It's really hard to replace an entire pile of dung, and don't get me started on the corpses!

4Those wacky Amsterdamians have really done it! They've invented a Talking Toilet that judges people on cleanliness and spews public service announcements about the dangers of tobacco and anti-war messages. Now I wonder, if a toilet asks me to "Please stop smoking", is he referring to my addiction to nicotine? Or the red-hot firepower of my anus?

4If revenge is sweet, imagine how those Nerds must feel... pretty fuckin' sweet.

4Is Jay Leno in the hiz-ouse?! Top Story: Katie Boring married Nathan Bland on June 12. That's nothing -- remember a few years ago when Larry Dick married Susan Inmyvagina??

Olympic Ads and Subtracts

It was reported this morning that General Motors has pulled its "Jack Flash" Corvette commercial off of the airwaves. The commercial, directed by uber-biquitous Guy Ritchie, features a kid having a dream sequence where he races his lil' red Corvette like a blind Al Pacino hoo-ahhing his way through the streets of New York with wreck-less abandon. It was fast, it was fun, and, frankly, I'm furious.

Note to consumer groups: If you really want to do a service for "children" (read: me), how about forcing McDonald's to pull those low-budget Ronald McDonald ads featuring the bloodthirsty clown taking part in Track and Field events and diving into a pool... I mean, a clown in a bathing cap? I'd rather see him shave his geisha-like testicles using a razor blade and dry rub. My nightmares haven't been this inspired since Carrot Top's "Die Down the Middle" campaign.

Really, these "consumers advocates" should let kids know that people who look like Ol' Ron Micky-D will almost certainly touch their bathing suit areas. Kids stealing cars? That just makes for adorable movie fodder.

Lunch-Drunk Love

Here is as much weird news my oversized fingers can spit out during my lunch hour:



4A man took the Dairy Queen up on their promotional offer, taking his cow "Bonnie Prince Charles Edward Stuart" to his local shop to earn a free "Moo-latte". I can't wait until Starbucks offers to kill my first born son for a free "Passover-achino."

4Oakey-Cokey: Florida Police are no saps when it comes to a local tree drug dealers routinely gather under. They plan on cutting it down. They then plan on changing the name of the road from "Cypress Street" to "Please Don't Sell Your Drugs Here. Thank You. The Sheriff. Avenue"

4The Tomatino Festival ends in bloodshed.

4Fed-Expatriate: A woman who smuggled herself into the U.S. by packing herself in a cargo box will be allowed to stay, thanks to Immigration's Wet-Foot/Dry-Foot policy. In other words, if a refugee is caught on land, they are allowed to stay in the country, whereas if they are still caught in the water (even the shallow bits), they're sent back. Growing up in Miami, I cannot tell you how exciting it was when a boat full of Cubans would be spotted right off the shore, and IMF Officers would try to tackle them before their feet would hit the sand. People would see it live on the news, and drive to the beach so they could cheer those Cubans who made it to land, embracing them once they managed to scurry past the authorities. It was like some twisted Cuban-American Gladiators, minus the faggy names and oversized Q-Tips.

4Read about the adorable Jake Shimabukuro, aka the "Jimi Hendrix of Ukelele", here. Right. And I'm the Mama Cass of "Giving a Care."

4Italy's Leaning Tower of Pisa has been declared stable. No word yet on the stability of Italy's other treasure, Roberto Benigni.

4Finally, a Metal Song Title Generator worth your time.

Au Bon Pain in the Ass

Every morning at around 9:30 in the a.m. (stalkers, take note), I adjust my beret, comb my moustache, and pop down to Au Bon Pain, the local boulangerie where I buy baked accoutrements. And every morning, I make my way to the counter, slide my order over to the sandwich man, and stand around. I must admit, I have something of a Norm-like quality there. The staffers make my presence known the moment I cross the rusty threshold. "MC!" one shouts from accross the room. "Hey Em Ceeee!" another bellows, much in the same way I imagine Biggie Smalls is greeted at that big Wendy's in the sky.

This morning began as usual. While waiting around for my bagel and egg, I noticed a plasma screened computer station linked up to the Au Bon Pain website (a great time killer at work, bee tee dubs.) Someone before me had been checking out the nutritional info on a jalepeno/asiago cheese bagel (4 gms of fat, 360 calories). Being the health nut that I am (macadamia), I decided to see the fat content on my scooped 97 grain bagel, when I see the absolute WEIRDEST disclaimer, nay, promotional tag line on the bottom-right of the screen. Quote:

Enjoy Au Bon Pain, as featured on "The Geena Davis Show"!

I don't really think this needs explanation, but to those readers out there in Tuvalu (you know who you are!), here goes. "The Geena Davis Show", or "Being Slammed in the Crotch with a Mallet" as it is sometimes called, starred the glorious Geena Davis for about 15 minutes of shame between 2000 and 2001, the year it was cancelled.

The show was universally poo-pooed for its complete lack of humor and watchability. So why, I ask you, would Au Bon Pain be PROMOTING themselves (with exclamation points, no less!) by reminding us that they were featured on the show (in what capacity, I'm dying to know). Really, this is like Volkswagen coming out with a campaign called "Volkswagen: It's Hitler's People-mobile of Choice!"... or something to that extent.

Also, they might want to think about updating the site, considering Davis' show was cancelled 3 years ago. I'm sure they could sneak in a Southwestern Tuna Wrap on "Yes, Dear" or "Hope and Faith" or some other garbage.

Congratulations to Jew!

Today is a very special day for Israeli history -- They've won their first Gold Medal at the Olympics! (In windsurfing, no less.)

Frankly, I'm a little shocked Israel hasn't gotten Gold in other events... the Babaga-luge, for example. And what about the
Oy Ga-Vault? Anyone up for a game of Maccabee-ch volleyball?? No? We can discus it later.

I'm gonna go catch some more Olympic action on Hum-must See TV, and then take another joke waaaaaay too far.

Haloscan-dal!

Dear Readers,

I may have made a dire mistake, but I've changed over to Haloscan to better serve your itchy comment fingers. As a result, a result I clearly did not consider, all of my past comments have been obliterated, in a plot very similar to Dana Carvey's morbidly unfunny "Clean Slate". In the end, though, I think.... I hope... it was worth it.

(UPDATE: It turns out, when you click on the highlighted time that the entry was posted, the old comments still do show up... Just got a memo re: no one cares but me. Great.)

I love reading what's on your mind America, and highly encourage you to comment this blog up! Forget me - HOW! ARE! YOU! Reveal to me your innermost thoughts and ideas.

As I am known to say: Chalk to me -- I'm board.

And of course, no post would be complete without some new summer wallpaper suggestions, so on today, a special day, I offer you two:



AND



Go in peace.

Just Stop, Collaborate, and Would It Kill You to Listen to Your Mother for Once?

4First up, we have an Indian man who has strapped his blind mother into a hobo-like backpack and is schlepping her on a 17 YEAR TREK (!) across India (of which he's already completed 8 years.) Hey guy... Oedipus called. He wants his complex back. No, he didn't leave a number. Well, maybe he's listed... I'm really sorry, I was busy cooking. My hands were full! Well, next time take your own message asshole.

4Keep the spirit alive! At least, that's the case in two separate incidents reported this morning. First, a family in South Africa is refusing to bury a 77-year-old corpse, as they believe he'll be resurrected. You know, that's the same thing they said about Jackee's career, and look how that turned out.

4Also related, the corpse of a teenager who passed away in 1968 has been kept in his family's home for 36 years, after a "Medicine Man" told the father he believed they had buried the their son alive. The Medicine Man then added that it would be only a coupla more years until the boy scores his own red carpet stunt on E!

4Scientists have discovered that people with asymmetrical extremities are more likely to get into fights. In other words, stay clear of this kid:


"I didn't hear what you said, bitch. Say it again to my face!"

4 Shit's All in the Timing: A horse about to compete in an Olympic Equestrian Event called "Safety!" yesterday, after placing turd before the event. The Swiss horse, delightfully named Tinka's Boy, stopped 10M before the hurdle, knitted his equine brow, and popped a squat in front of 8,000 spectators. And, in case you were wondering, the Swiss word for "horse apples" is "Pferdeaepfel", which I believe is also what they call Volkswagen's and Ikea furniture.

4And finally, a woman has locked herself into a bear trap. The woman, pictured below, was quoted as saying "Bear trap! Oh my! Oh no no no no... I was looking for the Dress Shoppe! Maybelline's Ole Dress Shoppe! What an unlikely mistake! Ha ha... ha. See you later, gentlemen." She then whispered to one cop "Call me."

Michelle's Olympic Round-Up 4: Weekend Edition

This weekend was chock full of wonderful Olympic coverage. All it takes is for me to hear the familiar "Glong-Gloooong-Glong" of the NBC chimes for my heart to start racing and my eyes to well up with tears. My stomach is brimming with Yankee-Doodly-Candy, and I'm feelin' America like I never have before. I truly believe that come closing ceremonies, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, as I have nothing else to look forward to until Winter 2006.

Your round-up is thus:

1. Blasting from NBC's Stereotypes

First up, we have the Men's 100M Dash (aka the Race for the "Fastest Man in the World"), involving three American superstars: Maurice Green, 2000's Gold Medallist, "Man v. Beast" competitor Shawn Crawford, and the winner of the race, 22-year-old Justin Gatlin.

Here's my side of beef: For those of you keeping track, NBC goes all out with their motivational biographies. Bob Costas is the Itzhak Perlman of my heartstrings, plucking and strumming like a crippled virtuoso of emotion.

But during yesterday's Mo Green montage, I noticed that they were playing rap music as the background to some Y-T's voiceover. While the music did have a certain edge to it, I hadn't heard it played for any of the other competitors all last week. Now, maybe I'm a Sensitive Sally, but it kind of pissed me off. It seems WAY too obvious to blast rap music behind three of America's best black athletes. Let's just hope that 12 years from now, when ol' Paddlehands (my eventual ping-pong moniker) struts out onto the table tennis court, they don't cut to clips of me Deidel-Deidel-Deeing to Klezmer music while holding big bulging sacks with conspicuosly painted $ $ $ signs on the front, and wearing a bikini made of bagels and greed.

2. Lord of the Rings: Celebrity Steez



Malkovich and Stiller Looking Hyper-Masculino. (Click to Enlarge)

The Men's Rings competition was on fire yesterday! Never did I dream I'd be able to see John Malkovich and Ben Stiller battle it out for first place. Oscar Gold? Maybe. But Olympic Gold?! Never! Malkovich ended up edging out Stiller for the top prize, although word has it Stiller has just beaten out Malkovich for the lead in Scorsese's upcoming "Movie About a Short Jewish Neurotic Guy".

3. Our Favorite Little Ostrich




Svetlana Khorkina, a.k.a. "The 5'4" Giantess", is on another typical Russian tirade. This time, she spits on the careers of Carly Patterson along with a number of other robotic munchkins, as only an anorexic, flightless bird could. She accuses the sport of lacking artistic qualities, and rewarding mechanical tumblers over grace and elegance (which she loosely translated in Russian to "svetlana" and "khorkina".)

I agree with her wholeheartedly -- the sport is definitely missing something. Although have you guys see the Trampoline event?! Best. Event. Ever.

Tons of Mon-day

Well Hello! How was your weekend? Oh, sorry to hear that. Ehh, it was alright. Well you know how it is. Mmhmm. No, but I heard good things about it. He said what?! You are so much better than that!

Now that that's out of the way, here is some more of what you love.

4The Soup Nazi's are invading America. Next thing you know, those Jew-hating bastard Frenchies are going to have their fancy schmancy Au Bon Pain's on the corner of every 1234 United States Lane.

4 There's a toilet paper shortage in Connecticut. Residents plan on using shredded Lacoste polos, crisp 100's, and the hands of the poor instead.

4 Beauty Pageants aren't just for good-looking law-abiding youngsters anymore. [via Blogmonkey]

4 Take out a crayon and some lined paper, and draw your own conclusion: Explanation Sought for Lobster Decline. Dot Dot Dot. Woman Eats 38 Lobsters to Win Contest.

4 Tails from the Back Side: A Cambodian baby has been born with a tail. Mother explains that baby really takes after its father.



4 New fan-site related to the Chinese Gymnastics Team debuts.

4Armed robbers in Norway steal Edward Munch's famous painting "The Scream." Museum curators are begging for return of "World's Most Valuable Mousepad".

4 Finally, "Granny D" Haddock, a 94-year-old wheezing old woman stricken with numerous ailments, runs for office in New Hampshire. Armed with a wild turkey feather in her cap, she plans on walking 200 miles to garner support for her campaign.

"I am not a nice old lady,"

She hissed, while force feeding her great-grandchildren piping hot cookies and taking a hate-fueled afternoon nap following some heat exhaustion. The article ends on a depressing note:

If she pulls off the upset, Haddock says she will serve only one term. She turns 101 at the end of her term.

Ay noooo!

Trick or Treat, Bitch!

From the people that brought you Edible Diapers and Baby's First Electrical Socket comes Pimps and Hos Costumes FOR CHILDREN.

Yes, that's right. With role models like Xtina and Dildo-Mouthed Britney, why pretend otherwise?? This was the Halloween Costume your daughter was born to wear... start early, and soon she may be promoted to "Bottom Girl"! $47.95 is a small price to pay - you'll make that money back in a week's time!

And who better to bitch-slap those neighbors handing out Tootsie Rolls and raisins then a pint-sized Pimp ? (Please Note: Pimp hat is sold seperately.)

Hey Parents! When you ground your children, let them know you mean business!! Purchase this Children's Prison Costume today!

Perhaps your daughter is already homeschooled? No worries! This Virgin Mary costume will let the neighborhood fellas know "Hands off, boys! Only two years until my headgear comes off!"

Michelle's Olympic Round-Up 3

I've really started getting into my Round-Ups. I took notes yesterday while watching. Then took out my "To-Do" scroll and added No. 1436: Get a Life. Hey, you know what they say, don't dish it if you can't take it.

1. Carly Patterson: Breaking a Svetlana

Carly Patterson -- a petite blend of muscles, spunk and a very poor grasp of the, like, English language. She made history yesterday, becoming the first woman since Mary Lou Retton to win the All-Around Gymnastics Gold. While I confess that I did break out a tear or two following her win, I just can't help but feel a little short changed. She was technically perfect, but she failed to move me during any of her routines. There was little elegance, little grace. She was like a speeding bullet. For me, it was missing something.

The Silver medalist on the other hand, Russia's Svetlana Khorkina, is truly a piece of work. She's a steely cold bitch, a lean, mean tumbling machine. Taller then her competitors, more world weary, devoid of any perkiness whatsoever, I was crushed when she lost yesterday.

NBC's mini-bio of Khorkina was genius. It began describing a totally bullshit situation at the 2000 Sydney Olympics, where it was discovered, after her two horrendous vaults, that the vault she sprung off of was not at regulation height. A primped Svetlana looked into the camera and said "I want to win the Gold as much as I want to mother a child." The irony is she clearly won't be able to birth a child due to zero percent body fat, and the Gold is forever gone. Poor Svetlana! Maybe she can learn to accept the Silver like an adopted child from a crack-addicted mother.

One possible reason for her loss... her music selection during the floor exercise. If you're having trouble remembering it, let me help you out: Picture yourself stuck in an elevator in Moscow, then being beaten to death with a hammer and a sickle. That's muzaktly what it was like.

I have to give it to Carly though. Her podium performance was one of the best yet, mouthing almost all the words to our National Anthem. Really and truly, thank you.

2. Aaron Peirsol's Gold Medal Debaucle

Following Piersol's win in the 200M Backstroke, an anti-American bastard of a judge tried his best to disqualify Aaron following a completely legitimate underwater turn.

The DQ was overturned. Apparently, the judge was supposed to file his complaint in English but didn't. His complaint was stated as follows: Achtung! Suchen nur nacht ergebnissen auf lochen de Deutschland! (Don't try translating, it's nonsense. It's primary purpose is to make fun of the Germans and how unforgiving and strict they are.) It's just a shame that some crazy asshole had to overshadow such a tremendous feat.

3. Aaron Peirsol's Visible Ass Crack

Oh, Dear God, thank you.

4. Ostriches

True, not involved in the Olympics, per se. (See above pic.)

But please check out the pics on this website, and specifically THIS ONE. Oh, and also see this.

Chatty Fatty Cathy

Cathy. America's Worst Comic Strip. The female Andy Capp. Reading Cathy is like watching a terribly unfunny comedienne awkwardly talk about her vagina (i.e. "Why do they call it a GUY-necologist? Shouldn't it be a GAL-necologist?) and her marital life (My husband refuses to sleep with me after I had my last baby... Turns out I got too FAT and he wasn't attracted to me anymore!)... Basically, completely unfunny. And yet, day after day, you just cannot help but subject yourself to this torture.

My best buddy Lang decided to take matters into her own hands. If you're an avid American Idol watcher, you may remember Lang from the New York auditions. The two of us auditioned together as a joke (although, the longer I was in line, the more sun-poisoned I got, I began to truly believe that I was America's B.K.S. [Best Kept Secret]). Here is a clip of Lang on the show, revealing to the world a running joke we had been making while waiting on line.

Moving on, YCMIU brings you Cathy: A Modern Woman, as written by Lang. (CLICK PICTURE TO READ TEXT)

Small Wonder

Above, it's a small bird after all.

Here are the top stories in today's Tiny News:

First off, a doozy of a CNN Headline: Tiniest preemie now 'just a normal teen'. At birth, she weighed less than a pound and could fit into the palm of your hand, perfect for that professional parent on the go. Where is Anne Geddes when you need her? Imagine that tiny baby dressed up like a tiny bumblebee!! Oh Jesus. NEVER MIND.

This reminds me of my favorite Sarah Silverman joke: You know people are always talking about babies having babies. "Babies having babies! Babies having babies!" they say. But you know? If babies could have babies? They'd be sooooo small.

Eeny Meeny Tiny Poo: When Tasmanian scientists aren't busy spinning really fast and eating their young, they're off researching plankton. It's finally paid off: Dr. Karin Beaumont has come out with a report blaming Plankton Poo on Global Warming. Jeez, can they blame it on anything smaller? I'm gonna come out with a report blaming tornados on Ben Affleck's dick and the deficit on little Jewish babies.

MOVING ON! Congratulations to the Too-Cute Tiny Twosome, the Hamm Twins. Morgan for his adorable littleness, and Paul for triumphing over a catastrophic vault and taking the Gold Medal as the All-Around Best Male Gymnast. You know, something tells me he's used to coming from behind. ZING!

Cat's a Spicy Meat-a-ball-a

Eartha Kitt and Cat at opening, both looking thrilled.

Hey, single gal's, listen up! A new cafe just for cat's has opened up in Midtown Manhattan. I think it's about time -- there are certainly enough restaurants for bitches in this town. (Anyone care for a chip off my shoulder?)

The grand-opening of "Meow Mix Cafe" was a blast. One frisky cat had great things to say: "Yawn", he raved. "Nap time." another purred.

The chef has really thought of everything, coordinating the kitty meals with their owners. For cats "choosing" to dine on Deep Sea Delight mackerel, their owners will be served Tuna Rolls. Other cats opted instead for a steamed plate of "Crotch-Licking", with their owners claiming to be "On a Diet."

What's next? Rumor has it an uptown establishment known as "Table for Rat-A-Two-ey", a restaurant made for one-on-one's with City-livers and the rats living in their walls, will open in Fall of 2004. I've already made my reservation. (No joke, word has it a rat nearly ate a baby on the 4th floor of my NYC palace. My whole building is in an uproar. My "Super" has been demoted to "Eh, He's OK".)

Oprah-d to Be an American

Above: Oprah, Pre-Devil-Owned-Soul and Post-Op

Her friends call her "Woman with the Heart of Gold." Family members nicknamed her "Compassion" and "Mouthy." But to those who don't know her, she is simply.... "Oprah."

In an effort to keep her publicity down and to rake in an extra $17 bucks a day, Oprah took part in a jury for a murder trial that's been going on for the past few weeks. Says a fellow juror, "It was a lot of fun, it was like being on her show." Said juror will appear on Winfrey's show in a few weeks, no lie.

The deliberations ended yesterday, and Oprah was just bursting at her scarred seams. After grabbing the judges gavel and pretending it was a microphone, Oprah interviewed fellow jurors about things like their marrital sex-lives and one juror who lost three and one half pounds, far exceeding "Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Challenge". The camera then cut away to a pleased Dr. Phil, giving a thumbs up with one hand and shoving a burrito stuffed with cheese, buffalo wings and money into his mouth with the other.

At the end of the hour, the verdict was announced. Dion Coleman was found guilty of first-degree murder in the 2002 shooting death of 23-year-old Walter Holley. Oprah then left the courtroom to a media blitz, where she stated:

This is not good for the victim's family... This is not about Oprah Winfrey, the fact is a man has been murdered.

The earth then shook, knocking the media off their feet, as victim Mr. Holley rolled over in his grave.

In more news about Oprah Winfrey, she plans on spending an entire show dealing with the murder trial, and, undoubtedly, about not being able to get a breadless turkey sandwich (aka motherfuckin' sliced turkey breast) in the courthouse. Stay tuned next week when Oprah goes to the DMV to take her driving test, and runs over a small child in a state-owned '93 Geo. That's gotta be, what, like a week's worth of shows, no?

Up Shit's Creek?

Quickly paddling away from C-List status.

Last night's Big Brother 19 (save the "What the hell were you doing watching that show?" questions for never, you judgmental prick) featured a special bonus game for the remaining 9 contestants. These 9 people have been locked up for about 8 weeks now, have had zero contact with the outside world, including all things pop culture.

The prize for winning this game was a special advanced in-house screening of the upcoming film "Without a Paddle", complete with popcorn and soda. The roomates were thrilled, practically foaming at the mouth, with the idea of being able to see a feature length film.

Afterwards, the lucky housemates raved about the film, monotonously lauding the genius comic stylings of Matthew Lillard and Co. "This movie was SO funny!" they beamed into the camera while shmearing shit on their pallid faces and wearing cabbage-leaf bikinis. "It's great!!!" they laughed maniacly.

Make a long story tedious, you know it's a bad sign when the "Paddling" marketing people are so desparate for good word of mouth they have to rely on people who have not only lost their minds, but haven't seen anything in two months. Shit, I'd even sit through a Mind of the Married Man marathon at that point. What's a couple of gouged out eyes worth these days, anyway?

Kibbles and Bits

Above, the scariest bed set ever made. How do you even fall asleep on a pillow that looks like that?!?!?!

Moving on. King Costco of Bulkravia has decided to add a new section to its giant store full of giant things: Caskets. Well, it's pretty much a guarantee that when you buy a bathtub full of deep-fried clams, you've got about 3 days to live, so good thinking Costco.

(On a side note, I do have a bone to pick with Costco: A few weeks ago I purchased maxi pads there, and when I opened the box, it was just one humongous maxi pad. Reliable for a heavy flow day? Sure. Unnecessary junk in the trunk? Mos Def.)

A Romanian man who took the day off of work on Friday the 13th to avoid any unlucky or fatal encounters, stung by a wasp and killed in his own kitchen.** I was stung by a wasp too one time. We were at the country club, and this bitch slams me in the face with a tennis racket after I beat her in straight sets.

**Note: Previous post more appropriate for an IRONY board!

In other wasp related news, a German trucker, attempting to avoid a painful sting, flips truck over on autobahn, spilling over 15 tons of jam on the highway. (Anyone thinking traffic jam, immediately kill yourself for the sake of humanity.) Really, why all the wasps in Europe? Another ACME-related scheme from Looney Bin Laden?

Ever had that nagging feeling where you just want to rip your eyeballs out of your head? ME NEITHER.

Uch, well I'm all tuckered out. I'm sure there's more weird shit to talk about, but I'm as pooped as a baby diaper made outta manure.

Michelle's Olympic Round-up: Day 2

Urzica, I've Found It!

My eyes are bloodshot, my blood sugar down, but finger by finger I deliver the latest from Athens, Greece.

1. Men's Gymanstics

Congratulations are in order for the U.S. Men's Gymanstics Team, who took home the Silver medal yesterday following a tight race with the Japanese team. I thought the routines were pretty great all around, even if the "Homm" Twins sound like their mouths are fleshy kazoos.

The Gold-medalling Japanese were completely no nonsense and pretty much void of emotion throughout. The gold-medalists of my heart, though, had to be the Romanian Men's Team. NBC's typical heavy-handed emotional intro showed the team practicing in one of Bucharest's many fine abandoned warehouses, attempting pommel horse on petrified cow carcasses, having a quick tousle in the hay with the fellas, then being tucked into their beds made of nails and heartbreak... Their montage, however, could not compete with China's, where, after showing a family of 12 clinging for life to a speeding aluminum scooter, the announcer explained "But this isn't your typical American street corner... This is China."

Of all the Romanian's, my favorite gymnast has to be Dick Smothers. About to turn 65 years old, and still looking great.

2. Badminton

So far, the Asians are telling the Europeans to suck their shuttlecocks.

Which leads me to ask: How can something so bad-minton feel so completely-unwatchable-minton?

3. Synchronized Diving

LOVE LOVE LOVE! Sadly, I was only able to catch the Women's Final last night, but it still delivered. These two 15 year old Russian skanks came out of nowhere to take Silver, while two miniature Chinese girls Kung Pao'd the competition, then General Tsao'd the crowds, taking the Gold.

My favorite is when the team is so poorly matched in size. The whole idea is that the dives have to be exactly alike - including the time they hit the water. So what genius paired up that Australian Laurel and Hardy I ask you? There were the Chinese, Olsen-twin-like in their grace and rib-exposure, and then this pair of Australian girls roll in like Janet Reno and Donna Shalala in a three-legged race. It's kind of hard to "synch" up when your partner is twice your size.

And congrats to the Men's Greek Synch Diving Team!! I'm sure they celebrated that night bathing in tzatziki and throwing back a coupla grape leaves stuffed with heroin and satisfaction.

4. Swimming

Blah blah blah, I'm tired of it already. Now I wanna know, what is Michael Phelpscch listening to on those noise-cancelling headphones of his? My bet is on Les Miserables... nothing gets those enzymes burning like a hammed up version of "Castle on a Cloud", you know what I mean?

I was quite pleased with the results yesterday - Thorpedo winning the "Race of a Lifetime", Coughlin's Gold, and the old soul Aaron Peirsol taking first in the 100M Backstroke.

SIDENOTE: I'd like to award an honorary medal to Pieter van den Hoogenband of the Netherlands, for having the most fun and uptight name to say. I've probably said it about 400 times since Saturday, for no particular reason. Congratulations PVDH!

Things You Should Buy

I feel its my duty to alert my beloved readers about some things they should, nay, must purchase.

1. The Bathroom Book Series

Sure, laugh it up, jerks. But do not be fooled by the Foxworthy-esque title. This series of reference books pretty much got me through middle and high school. Every page gives a super-thorough summary on well known books, poets, plays and people. They go on to have famous quotes, breakdowns of religions and philosophies... I'd go on, but for this price at BN.com (from $20 to $6 each), just buy it!!! I bought new ones last week, as my old copies are dog-eared and coffee-stained, and can't wait to tear into them.

The Bathroom Book I
The Bathroom Book II
The Bathroom Book III

2. The Muse CD

I'm probably a little behind on this one. But for those who still don't know, this band is simply amazing. Basically, call it the new Radiohead album, back when Radiohead was good.

Absolution by Muse

3. Tempurpedic Pillow

Sure, it's a little expensive. And yes, it's heavy and feels like dead flesh. But if dead flesh is this comfortable to sleep on, call the morgue, cause Momma's got a backache. Whatever the hell that means.

Tempurpedic Swedish Neck Pillow

4. My New Album



It won't be released until October 2004, but its never too late to stock up for Christmas. Above is a screenshot of the album cover. Please note my stage name (for googling purposes), Milady Jehosaphats.

Below, check out some stills taken from the recording studio. This album is gonna be huge. It's gotta be, it's that good. Again, note intensity, shown below. (Note: Click on pictures to enlarge.)

Skiddamarinky Linky Link

Like any logical human being, you would think that when the boss is out, it would be smooth sailing. In my case, I get to do all the shit work that everyone else avoids.

Don't fret. Here's the weird news rundown for the day, albeit slightly abridged.

Blind Woman Ticketed For Displaying Handicapped Sign the Wrong Way. Then, her seeing eye dog was poo-pooed for licking his balls, and her walking stick was cited for "rat-a-tat-tatting" a few decibels too loud, as well as "helping her in her quest not to be killed or die".

A Man being chased by police, drove his car into a lake, and rather then surrendering, tried to light a crack pipe instead. In a related story, Rick James dead of natural causes.

Vintage Organ for sale. So all you thrifty, trendy liver/pancreas shoppers out there, take note.

Plus, ever wished you could trade some good ol' kitchen cleaning for a man with golden hands? NOW YOU CAN.

HOLY SHIT. A limbless woman was kept off an Air France Flight after a sensitive stewardess told her that a "torso cannot possibly fly on its own." I don't know about that -- I imagine it would fit quite snuggly into the overhead bins. Also, while a torso can't per se "fly" on its own, I'm pretty sure modern science can have one hang-glide or parachute with little to no assistance. (Once again, people, God will have the last laugh when 10 years from now I give birth to a litter of chicken nuggets.)

Serial Snuggler Sentenced. Police release photo of criminal behind bars:




Let the nightmares begin.

Michelle's Olympic Round-Up

Above, an Italian gets down with his new lady friend.

Kalimera! Or, as they say in "America", Good Morning! I've got a horrible case of Olympic Consumption (a tad more serious than "Olympic Fever" -- also a nod to the Athenian Olympics from yesteryear, when a "fever" was never just a "fever"... you either had "Bronze John", "Yellowjacket", or "Dropsy of the Brain").

I spent the entire weekend literally glued to my TV (I was fixing a cracked terracotta planter, and went for the volume button... never mind), leaving me with no choice but to watch the 2004 Olympics for 55 consecutive hours. What a spectacular spectacle! Of course, in true bored-idiot-fashion, here are my opinions.

1. Phelps is On the Way

Let's begin with water sports. Namely, Michael Phelpssch. I know this guy is a genius under the water, has a perfect swimmers body, huge flipper feet, etc. But my hyper-judgmental side cannot help but squirm every time this guy is on camera. The guy is mothafuckin cocky as all getout. Really, he's like giant cartoon rooster Foghorn Leghorn, minus the looks and charisma.

Secondly, how can a man with a perfect body, abs of steel, etc., be so unappealing?

Australian hunk Ian Thorpedo, even with that tre'-femenino reo-tard he wears, has charisma and sex appeal. Phelps on the other hand, when interviewed, contorts his mouth in such a way that I gotta pull a giant plastic tarp over my head, Gallagher-style, to block any stray spittles. Notice in his 300 commercials, rarely is he required to spray any S's (i.e. spots for AT&T and not Thprint.) Guarantee you this guy gets crusty white mouth corners in the morning, and who wants to wake up to that? On the other hand, clearly I would.

My friend Sarah has come up with an interesting theory: The reason he looks good in the water is because he tucks his ears into his bathing cap. More on this breaking story as it develops.

Did you see him on the podium? He has got to be the worst fake National Anthem singer I've ever seen. His lips remained still, while his cold, clammy tongue moved up and down in his mouth, animatronic style. I was so parched after watching him, I polished off three Leadership Vitamin Waters. That's nearly 8 dollars! Sure, I started my own company soon after, but still.

I tell you who I like -- that Vendt guy. Silver medalist, bounding over lane markers to winner Phelps in a show of true emotion, he just has a way about him. He's got a lovely speaking voice, a nice gentle manner to him, and is painfully good looking (like I actually feel a void in my personal life when watching him. My gut hurts. Is that weird? I should buy a cat, huh? Well, thanks, asshole, but I don't remember asking you.)


2. Gymnastics

Pretty boring on the whole. America was fucking it up as usual. And really, those male Gymanstics Twins? Isn't there an Antiques Roadshow taping they're missing right now?

I will say, and I just can't help myself, what is up with those little Chinese girls? I mean, all of the gymnasts are clearly small and malnourished, but these Chinese girls -- they looked like sea monkeys! Even the announcers couldn't help themselves, explaining that one little girl who looked NINE was actually 16. At least, that's what her communist bastard handlers would have you believe.


3. Table Tennis

Women's = boring. Men's = slightly less boring. I watched it for 4 straight hours.


4. Actual Olympic Events That Would Make for Interesting Gay Pornography

Lightweight Coxless Heat, Team Jumping Final, Equestrian Team Dressage, Men's Doubles: First Round, Horse Inspection 2, Men's Fly Semis, Backstroke - Heat 1, Men's Rifle 3 Positions Qualification, Men's Team Sabre Finals, Handball Ceremony, Pommel Horse Semis, Anal Windsurfing, Mens Double Trap Qualification, and the Bareback Bottoms Finals.


5. Sometimes Judo, Sometimes Jew Don't

Didja hear the one about the Iranian Judo champ who refused to fight against the Israeli? What's wrong, guy? Afraid to get your ass kicked by a guy who's good with money, a little nebbishy and runs the American Media? That's what I thought.

So there you have it. I'm a little heartbroken that NBC has decided to air the Synchronized Diving Finals during the day, and Badminton and Weightlifting at night. But I'll get back to you with more of the Athens action tomorrow.

It Shirts to Be Beautiful

Check out T-Shirt Hell, a website hocking some of the most politically incorrect offsensive tees out there. Examples:

I F*CKED THE OLSEN TWINS before they were famous
RAPE IS NO LAUGHING MATTER (unless you're raping a clown)
I SWEAR...I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS 3

And for the infants:

I HIDE MY CRACK IN MY DIAPER
THEY SHAKE ME
DADDY DRINKS BECAUSE I CRY

Warning: Some are genuinely terrible, so think twice if you're super sensitive.

Subway Sandwiches: Last Stop, Barftown

Just this afternoon, I discovered a whole new one-two punch in the world of eating until you vom: 6-inch Turkey Subway Sandwich, followed by a bag of Sour Skittles. Let's put it this way: When Skittles whispers "Taste the Rainbow", THEY AIN'T LYING.

This feeling of sickness somehow led me to peruse Subway's Website. After dozens upon dozens of seconds, I've come to a few conclusions:

1. Subway Takes Themselves WAY Too Seriously

Example: To promote their new ground-breaking chicken sandy (chicken between bread with cheese), they use the slogan Mediterranean Chicken Experience. In the past, I have only heard/used this term in reference to getting railed by a Greek sailor. (Myknos, call me!) If they are referring to the "experience" of smelling their bread from a 10 block radius, then standing in a long line of 9-5ing zombies until the Middle-Easterner clad in rubber gloves looks you up and down, licks his lips, and asks you if you want "Pickles", then yes, I have "experienced" your sandwich.

2. Jared Needs to Gain All the Weight Back and Die

I cannot tell you how sick of this douche I am. Here's another example of me meeting an idol of mine, and getting it slapped right back in my face. I happened upon "Jared" at the American Idol auditions in New York (don't ask). The man is still pretty pudgy, greezy, and so pocked he makes Edward James Olmos' whiffled noggen look like Liv Tyler in Lord of the Rings. Moreover, he completely ignored me.

And now their promoting this healthy bullshit to kids? Their latest campaign has Jared shilling to children about the risks of becoming a grown-up Jared. QUOTE:

Also, watch for Jared, Cody, Isaac and Madison in SUBWAY® restaurants’ newest commercials, which are designed to draw attention to the issue of childhood obesity.

NEWSFLASH: My entire childhood I subsisted on Subway sandies and TCBY (The Country's Best Yogurt... or is it Tender Cry from Baby Yapper?). Point Being: look at me now. LOOK AT ME NOW.

ps. Good luck to those kids. Nothing like being used as an example in a commercial about childhood obesity. The good news is that extra layer of padding will probably serve as a good bone-buffer to all the schoolyard punches that have their name on it.

3. Cheap Merchandise

One. Two. Three.

And the ironically titled book about Subway's Founder: Finish Big.

When all is said and done, I'll still be in line, hypnotized by the aroma of freshly baked bread, and shelling out only $4.33 for a turkey sandy. Maybe it's the Sour Skittles that did it. Huh.

Stillborn Kilborn

If only he was! EVERYONE REJOICE: Craig Kilborn is leaving the Late Late Show!!

Seriously, I'd rather sit through a Clockwork Orange-style Tom Snyder Marathon then have to watch this dickwad mug for the camera with that huge, shiny, cocky face of his.

(This hatred of mine might stem back to a Daily Show taping a few years back, where a post-show "meet and greet" went horribly wrong: Kilborn was shaking the hands of audience members, while ogling some 13-year-old whores in the back row. As if my ego weren't already shattered, he then offered me a hand that was so clammy, so limp, that I think I can officially say I know what it's like to shake the cold, dead dick of Walt Disney.)

ATTENTION CBS: If you're looking for someone who's got the goods to get your little CSI/Survivor/AmazingRace Ass into the Top Ten, look no further:

(me quickly putting on jazz pants, vest and top hat) TAAAA-DAAAA!

Anyone want to start a letter writing campaign with me?

Andy Dick: Foam at Mouth Crazy or Shit Out Ass Insane?

Andy Dick. I don't care who he bangs, what he drinks, snorts, inhales, injects, where he pushes people around, why he does the things he does. Page Six chronicles a night out with Andy, where, like a kid in a nose-candy shop, he managed to make out and slap every queen in Manhattan (and even make fun of Joey Fat-One, to which I award him a trophy from the Props Department). After reading it, my feelings were best summed up by my friend Adam: "I nearly shat twice and died."

Odds are Andy probably did to.

Now I'm wondering.... Is the Andy that I so dearly love on The Assistant the real Andy? I had always assumed it was him being wild for the camera. Now I'm wondering if he's toning it down. Either way, even with all his antics, I find something truly endearing about him. And the sooner he drops dead, the sooner he'll become a Kaufman-esque legend, so at least he can look forward to that. He'll be the Patsy Cline of a new generation.

Fave Pic of Moment

What happens when an overbearing Jewish mother screws a miniature Mexican? See above.

[via Punrise Punset]

Couch! That's Gotta Hurt!

Hmm... This sounds like something the League of Human Dignity arranged, doesn't it?

600 lb Woman Grows to Couch, Dies

WARNING: Story is pretty gruesome. It did remind me, though, of a Simpsons episode where Homer must re-shape the ass groove in his couch following some unwelcome guests.

I realize it's the morning. So please cleanse your palate with this picture of Sidney, the Supermodel, below. And this. Whoops! I mean, this.

A HOG IN BLOG HEAVEN

Check out this new blog, written by some of the funniest people I know: Chelsea P., Peter K. and, of course, me!

Trust me, you'll plotz when you read it.

PUNRISE, PUNSET or http://www.punrisepunset.blogspot.com

We encourage you to play along in our comments section.

Fat's Entertainment

Just when I think the world has run out of news of the truly insane, a lil' gem pops up that makes the inner fibers of my brain tickle and burn with a whole new excitement.

The world may be at war, Mike Wallace may have been arrested, pregnant wives killed willy nilly, but the TOP STORY on CNN.com right now is about an 1100 pound man who's lost nearly 380 pounds. I think the only thing "breaking" about this story are the three industrial strength gurneys this guy's layin on! SWOOSH!

But let us delve deeper into the many hidden layers of journalistic flesh: 42 year-old Patrick Deuel of Nebraska entered the hospital at 1,072. He's already lost 372 pounds and is hoping to lose another 450 before bathing suit season.

"I wasn't able to see any light at the end of the tunnel," he said Monday.

He then added "Or my penis or my feet."

A group known as the League of Human Dignity helped arrange for Deuel to be driven to a local livestock scale, where he could be weighed.

Let me get this straight. So the LEAGUE. of HUMAN. DIGNITY. arranged for him to get weighed on a SCALE reserved for LIVESTOCK. I see. Afterwards, the "League" took him to the elephant pit at the Zoo, where they covered him in a white powder and, using a hose and a long-handled broom, cleaned his hard to reach places. They then rolled him over to the "Old Country Buffet", just to see the look on everyone's face, laughed, ate a quick buffet lunch ("None for you, Patrick!"), and got him back to the hospital on time for his 4 p.m. "Are You Still Breathing?" check.

But seriously folks, I've done some research on this League of Human Dignity. According to their website, you can become a Member for only $10, but their only branch is in Nebraska. I'm willing to pay the money for a laminated membership card, I can tell you that.

Anyone want to start a branch with me here in New York City? We could officially change the diapers of crazy homeless subway beggars without getting arrested. And I think also legally murder Sally Jesse Raphael, but I have to double check the League's rules.

Man trying to lose 800 pounds

Risque Bees-Nest

So bees are attracted to talentless-washed-up-reality-show-classless-debutante-whores! Who knew! [via Defamer]

This seems like a good time to bring up the Teen Choice Awards. The hosts of the show are One-Night-In-Paris Hilton and Nicole Bichie. That's nice that they're hosting. Setting a good example for kids. I hear the Awards show will feature a clip from the highly anticipated new season of "Contraceptive Spongebob Bulgepants." (Terrible one, sorry.)

The above link also brings up some interesting O.C.-related gossip:

After the huge O.C. cast accepted the TV drama award, creator Josh Schwartz said that in the new season, "some beloved characters will be leaving the show," and "somebody probably will die."

Have you guys seen Rudy? Remember at the end, when they all start cheering for him? Here we go: Mi-scha. Mi-scha. MI-SCHA! MI-SCHA! PLEASE KILL MISCHA BARTON, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HATRED. Because if they kill off Peter Gallagher, well, you can expect a VERY ANGRY post on this blog the following day, (sarcastic laughing) I can tell you that much.

Cheap Shot of the Day Award

Explorers Find World's Deepest Hole. Bea Arthur's vagina is demanding a recount.

I hesitate to even mention this, but hey, if I can't trust a bunch of anonymous people across the country with this information, who can I trust? I'm a little shaken this morning following a certain dream I had last night. An intimate dream. Involving me and.... ROB SCHNEIDER. Yes, THAT Rob Schneider.

What have I done to deserve this God? It all started with a piece of muenster cheese I had before bedtime. I've read that cheese before sleep can cause nightmares. Next thing I know, my warped mind is taking me on an emotional/physical rollercoaster with the D-list celebrity who puts the Rob in "This movie theater just ROBbed me out of 10 bucks", often heard being said after seeing any one of his 3 movies.

The worst part? I THINK I LIKED IT PEOPLE.

Funny bit of trivia: Mr. Schneider was married to a woman named London King for 2 years. One lucky lady.

Admittedly, this pales in comparison to the infamous "John Goodman Dream" of '01, which, as my close friends know, involved one overweight sitcom star and about 10 ounces of his puke. And now I have to stop because my parents read this.

BACK BACK BACK

For no particular reason, aww.

I'm BACK! Hi all - feeling better, and thanking those lovelies who sent me warm wishes. Because of my day off, I arrived to work with a seemingly endless list of things to do. So this, my lunchtime post, will have to do until later today. But I'll try to make it good.

First off, Robin Williams has his ear removed. Sadly, surgery not fatal.

Project Greenlight planning third season, and third movie. In related news, I think my goldfish are depressed.

Ireland is lost city of Atlantis. Alcoholism now rated number one killer in Atlantis.

Large Hand Towel Left in Woman's Body for 7 Years. That doesn't hold a candle to my famous "Petrified Tampon Incident of '99".

Koko the Gorilla used her sign language skills to summon a dentist due to an aching tooth. She then signed to her handler "My fingers smell like doo-doo" and ate a pile of leaves.

Don Johnson is Poor. Maybe you should stop massaging your genitals in caviar and having your butler prank call South Korea, eh, Don?

Prozac, the drug used by 1 out of every .5 person in England, has begun to seep into the water supply. Queen Elizabeth's anus reportedly breaking out into hysterical laughter. (I don't get it either.)

And finally, a chain of private schools in California has been teaching immigrants well known facts: there are 53 states, 4 branches of the U.S. Government, and even exerpts from Arthur Miller's daring play "Death of a Traveling Salesman." I've never read it, but something tells me he's sliced, diced, shredded, waffled, minced and grated to death.

Bored already? Check out this game of Virtual Fucking Around and Not Doing Any Work while I try to actually get away with it.

MY APOLOGIES

You Can't Make It Up and Michelle Enterprises apologizes for the lack of posts yesterday. I am a huge asshole, but I have good reason.

I will try my best to blog today, but seeing as I feel a bit under the weather, I may not even trek down to terror-ville, aka the Not-So-Financial District. I want to give an advance apology if I do not get to posting today. I promise to make up for it this weekend, where I will blog my heart out.

For now, I bid you a doo. I love you all, never forget it.

Sale of the Day!

I wish I had vacation time/friends in other cities/friends.

Spirit Airlines has just announced a Fall Airfare Sale - $44 each way in some cases!

You Twin Some, You Lose Some

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Made Their Second Public Appearance Today. (Ashley's on the left.)

You know, Mary-Kate does look better!

Funniest Drudge Headline Ever?

LEND ME YOUR EARS

Although, I kind of like "KERRY CONDUCTS CORN ORCHESTRA WITH APLOMB"

Additionally, cute or ghastly?